Base Camp 2.1
Getting Started With Your First Climbing Tools
17,000 ft
“It’s the job that’s never started that takes the longest to finish.”
The Lord of the Rings
Base Camp 2.1: Climbing Tools
Goals of Base Camp 2.1
The Goal of Base Camp is to give you tools you will need on this journey. Each tool is carefully planned and timed. This elevation is one of the longest and one of the most foundational.
The best way to describe this elevation is like we are going to load you up with lots of climbing tools. Some of them you will like right away. Some you will connect strongly with over time. Others you won’t connect with or understand their importance. But all of the tools presented here will be used in time on this amazing journey.
We will learn new words to use to describe our acting out
We will learn about why we can’t stop and go in circles
We will learn how to slow down and ask questions
How long does Base Camp 2.1 take?
This elevation of the climb takes about 1 month depending on the work you put in.
When are you ready for Base Camp 2.2?
When you and your Sherpa agree that everyone understands all of the tools and is ready to start using them.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41: 1—13
Core Climbing Tools
Going Inner Circle
Learning the 3 Circles
“Inner Circle” is one of the first climbing tools we will learn how to use. It’s a term you are going to use on this entire journey up to the top of Mt Everest. The purpose of this tool is to help you a safe name your addictive behavior during the week and helping you to see a lack of healthy behaviors in your life.
Why is the shape of “The 3 Circles” a funnel?
We are all here because our lives have been effected by acting out. We have all struggled differently. Each time we act out and move away from God, we fall deeper into ourselves, into a pit. We don’t just struggle with an unwanted sin, we go deep down into a behavior. This is a downward pit. Life isn’t easy by default. By default, there is a pull downwards when we have a hard day. We get angry, sad . . . or choose to act out.
Write
How have you seen your acting out as a downward funnel? How has it gotten worse? In what ways did you try and pull yourself out?
Discuss
Who is willing to share how acting out has been a funnel with no bottom? How has it effected your life? What have you done in the past to help you see that this is a pit you don’t know how to get out of?
Outer Circle
The outer circle represents the healthiest part of you and your time. These are behaviors that give you rest and fill your soul. Time with the family, watching sports, in the garden, reading a book, hunting, painting, looking at the ocean, the smell of coffee, quiet time with God, reading, time with friends, playing golf...
People with addictive behaviors have terrible Outer Circle lives. Instead of getting rest and filled up, there is usually a large amount of stress and lack of self care.
Look at where the outer circle is on the funnel. Is it curved down into funnel or is it flat? It’s flat! When we live a more balanced life, the less likely we will be to fall into unwanted addictions.
Write
Write down behaviors that you consider safe, healthy and beneficial to your recovery and healthy intimacy. These could include self-care activities that were squeezed out of your life but you miss them. What do you do that give you life and rest?
Discuss
What Outer Circle behaviors or activities do you feel are missing in your life? How healthy is your Outer Circle life? Why?
Middle Circle
The Middle Circle is where life happens. This is where the busyness of our lives are. We wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, each lunch, come home, help your family, try to watch a show you might like before you got to bed and do it all over again. This is where we feel the struggles of parenting, of being single, of our work, commute, hard relationships, earning a paycheck, going to school . . . this is where life is lived and it’s hard.
The main issue for those of us with addictions is that we have little to no outer circle and therefore we live in the middle circle. Did you notice where the middle circle is in the funnel? Is it flat like the outer circle? No. It’s curved.
When you get to the top of Mt Everest you will learn how to live in the Outer Circle AND the Middle Circle. We can’t escape Middle Circle.
But our first issue is realizing that each of us LIVES in the middle circle with little to NO Outer Circle.
And what happens when we live in the side of the funnel on the Middle Circle? We get pulled down.
Write
What about life to you feels like Middle Circle? What are the harder parts of life for you right now? When you start to feel the pressure, this is where start the process of acting out. Write down behaviors that are slippery for you. These are behaviors that lead to acting out and are a part of your sexual ritual. It is important not only to be aware of middle circle behaviors, but also have a plan what you will do to maintain sobriety.
Discuss
What can you share from what you wrote above?
Inner Circle
Let’s start by asking a question. Do you look at Porn because of the acting? The plot? The lighting? No! What is the goal when we look at porn? The goal is to masturbate. Our final goal, the heart of the behavior we are here to face isn’t stopping to look at porn, it’s learning about why we masturbate and why we can’t stop. Porn is a tool (and there are many evil tools that we choose from) to get us to the final destination of self sex: masturbation.
From this point forward on the climb we are no longer going to use the word “masturbation”. We are going to replace it with “Going Inner Circle”.
It’s a safe way to describe the heart of the problem in a very real way. I’ve had many men tell me they don’t need help because they don’t look at Porn. I ask them if they masturbate and they say yes. I tell them, “that’s why people look at porn, to have self sex to help soothe or stimulate them. Our goal is to practically talk about what really is the issue, but also using a safe way to talk about it in public.
Inner Circle is the dark, bottomless red part part of the funnel. This is where acting out occurs, when we slip and “go inner circle” We don’t go Inner Circle by mistake, we go there to hide, to self soothe or to run from pain.
Inner Circle is why all of us are here.
Write
Write down the sexual behaviors that you want to stop. Inner circle behaviors are the compulsive sexual behaviors that brought you to this group.
Discuss
How does using the term “Inner Circle” for masturbating feel to you? What do you relate to? Why?
“I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.”
Meet The Addictive Cycle
We Are Going to Learn How to Locate Yourself
This is one of the greatest tools in the toolbox: Learning to locate yourself on the addictive cycle. To break an addiction you need to first learn how to see it in your life and locate yourself when it’s happening. Only when you see it you can begin to ask questions and learn from your behaviors.
The Addictive Cycle has 4 parts to it:
Preoccupation
Ritual
Acting Out
Despair
First, Let’s look at how all four of these stages work together in what we are going to call “The Addictive Cycle.” As you are taught what the addictive cycle is try and picture your own life story and how you see your behaviors in each of these stages.
Preoccupation
Preoccupation the trance or mood wherein the mind and body begins to crave arousal. This mental and physical craving creates an obsessive search for stimulation.
Preoccupation could last days, hours or minutes. Maybe you walk around gathering images and creating fantasies over a period of a couple of days or even weeks… knowing that one day you will go Inner Circle using what you have stored up. Preoccupation might last a couple of hours as you start to think about going Inner Circle. Either way, this is the stage of our addiction where Evil screams the loudest, pulling us in, reminding us of how good it will feel and how much it will help your pain.
Preoccupation might be scrolling through social media looking for images that turn you on. It might be thinking about a time you went to a strip club. It might be thinking about a past girlfriend. It might be thinking of porn you saw and bringing it back to your active thoughts. Each of us is different. But we all share this stage.
It’s going to be really important on this journey to start noticing when you are in preoccupation because if you can catch yourself in Preoccupation, you can begin to stop going Inner Circle.
At this stage you are in the process of making a choice to go inner circle.
What does your Preoccupation look like?
How long do you think you find yourself in Preoccupation?
Ritual
Ritual is your own special routines, which lay the foundation for acting out. The ritual intensifies arousal & excitement distancing you from reality.
Everyone has a Ritual. In time, you will learn how to talk about your Ritual more and more. There are a couple of important things to know about Ritual:
For the most part, when you prepare to go inner circle, each of us has a pattern that we choose. This pattern helps to give us a false sense of comfort.
Ritual separates us from other people. When you hit this stage, we isolate ourselves and don’t want authentic human contact.
When you get to Ritual, you have already made your mind up: You are going to go Inner Circle. Now, apart from a miracle (like God can sending a tornado to stop you), you have already chose what you want to do. You have turned from God, followed the voice of Evil and are going where you can Act Out.
Your ritual is a “sacred space” for Evil. Evil won’t want you sharing it or opening up about it for fear of Jesus entering that space. Evil’s goal is simple: get you into Ritual.
Some examples of Ritual might be: Taking your phone and going to the bathroom. You know what is going to happen as soon as you grab your phone and lock the door. It could be taking a night time drive to get milk. No one is going to say anything and you might happen to drive by a strip club on the way. Your ritual might be a simple as taking off your clothes and getting into the shower. Everyone showers… but you know what is going to happen as soon as you get in.
At this stage you have already made the choice to go Inner Circle.
What does your Ritual look like?
Acting Out
This is the actual compulsive act, which is the end goal of the preoccupation & ritualization. Unless “preoccupation” is interrupted you will be unable to control or stop this behavior.
This is when we listen to Evil to self soothe or self stimulate and participate in “self sex”. This is where Evil leads us with a false promise of relief from pain.
This is Inner Circle.
Where and when does your Inner Circle happen the most?
Despair
Despair is the feeling of utter shame, powerlessness and hopelessness that resonates with your core sense of shame, which in turn sets you up for the next cycle.
Evil delivers us two punches:
Punch 1: The temptation in Preoccupation to go Inner Circle. Evil offers us a false sense of Hope with the promise of feeling better.
Punch 2: After we failed, are alone, having looked at something horrible, cursed God and ourselves Evil whispers to us: LOOK AT YOU. YOU ARE A LOOSER. GOD COULD NEVER LOVE YOU. NO ONE COULD EVER LOVE YOU.
Evil pulls us Inner Circle for the goal of getting us to drown in Despair. Here is where we believe Evil’s lies: You are worthless. You can never be loved. You will never be able to stop doing this. No one respects you. You can’t handle pain. You are a pathetic looser.
Do you know why this stage is so important to Evil? Because, if you don’t address Despair, you will listen to Evil’s lies and believed them. And once you believed them, you will want to hide and escape into the fantasy all over again.
So, we go back to Preoccupation, because the pain is too much.
At this stage you are in the process of setting yourself up to go back into Preoccupation.
What does your Despair look like?
What does Evil whisper to you after you go Inner Circle?
Discuss
What parts of the Addictive Cycle do you relate to the most? Can you name all four stages without looking?
“Lord, you know how I long for my health once more. You hear my every sigh.”
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
N.N.A.I.A.
It’s Time to Learn How to
Notice It, Name It, Accept It, Investigate It, Address It.
We just learned about the Addictive Cycle. What’s powerful about the Addictive Cycle is that we can learn how to actually physically pinpoint where we are and how we are doing. Today’s Tool: N.N.A.I.A. teaches us how to slow down and see where we are in the addictive cycle. Only when we allow ourselves to slow down and patiently think can we invite others to help us on this journey.
Notice It.
This first step is a powerful one. You can’t change unless you begin to NOTICE what stage of the Addictive Cycle you are at. The first step is simply seeing that something is “off” and that your head and heart isn’t where it should be. The first step of changing is seeing that you are in a place that needs help. It’s as simple as the name: just noticing that something is off in our hearts.
In this stage we might say something like:
This is that feeling I discussed with the guys. I’m starting to do my routine and I can feel that I’m not in a good place. This is the start of the addictive cycle. I can feel that I’m starting to wander.
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
This is start the process of going before God with something that is hard for us. We can feel evil starting to speak to us and Jesus is here with us right from the start of this journey. When you Notice It, God rejoices. This is where change starts.
And here I am, your invited guest—
it’s incredible!
I enter your house; here I am,
prostrate in your inner sanctum,
Waiting for directions
to get me safely through enemy lines.
Psalm 5: 7-8
Name It.
After we notice it, we slow down even more and name where we are. Where are you in the addictive cycle? What is the name that we gave it? Just giving where you are a name helps to slow you down even further and locate yourself. Once you give a name to where you are at, you can start taking the next step. But you have to name it first.
In this stage we might say something like:
This is called Preoccupation. I know where this is in the additive cycle. I can see what I’m doing and where it’s going. I know that Ritual is next and that is where this is headed, and once I get into Ritual, I’ll be too far gone.
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
Naming where you are is scary. It means we are broken and we need help. Once we name it, we are one step closer to getting real help. But we can’t get help if we don’t let others know where we are. It’s like calling someone and telling them you ran out of gas and need to get picked up. But most don’t want to share where we are because we are embarrassed or ashamed of ourselves. You can’t get picked up unless you tell your other climbers where you are. Naming it is a powerful step where we humble ourselves to where exactly we are on the addictive cycle and that we need help. But do not fear. God is with you. God knows your broken heart. God knows your broken brain, damaged by self centered sex, pornography and inner circle. God is with you and wants to help you. When you name it, God rejoices.
God is a safe place to hide,
ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in sea-storm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
Psalm 46: 1-3
Accept It.
We all joined this climb because we have a common struggle. We all joined this climb because we want to see this struggle gone from our lives. We want to see Christ, know Him and become like Him. And Inner Circle can’t happen anymore as mature followers of Jesus. The next step is to Accept that this is where you are at. This is a hard one. For most of us, the hardest. We want to pretend we are doing better than we actually are. Or we want to ignore it and hope that if we close our eyes it will go away. But change doesn’t happen unless we fully surrender to Jesus. Here we need to Accept the fact that this is a struggle for us, and that unaddressed, it will continue to destroy our lives and those we love. We need to slow down even more and Accept that where we are is where we are. And that we need help where we are. No more pretending.
Accepting isn’t approval. No way. Accepting that this is where you are is the start of being honest with yourself and your need for lasting change through Jesus.
In this stage we might say something like:
I wish I was stronger than this. I wish I was past this. I wish this was easy for me. But I’m not stronger. I’m not past this. This isn’t easy for me. I accept that this is a journey that I’m on and simply SEEING that I’m here in the addictive cycle is a win against evil. I feel pain. I want pleasure. This is my story and God is with me in it.
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
Accepting that this is a struggle for us puts us in an even greater place of vulnerability. What will the others say? Are they as messed up as me? Will I ever change? Will I make it through the night? How do I face this pain? Here is where Jesus whispers to us through the book of Joshua: “DO NOT BE AFRAID. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED….”
Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.”
Joshua 10:25
Investigate It.
Learning how to ask questions is going to be one of the most important tools on this climb. We all want to jump into some sort of action to stop ourselves, but before we do something practical, we have to know what we are up against. And we can ONLY do that by slowing down one more time and asking questions.
God created you for a purpose, to change the world through you, in a way only YOU can do.
But Evil has had a plan to destroy God’s work in you.
Evil is after you and wants to offer you an apple just like it did for Adam and Eve. Something other than God’s plan, purpose and promise.
We need to slow down, look Evil in the eye and ask questions:
Why are you here?
Why now?
What are you trying to offer me?
In this stage we might say something like:
Now that I see that Evil is here, I need to invite it out into the open, unafraid. I need to ask it some questions, “Why, Evil, are you here? Why now? Why today? What is going on that you would think this is a good time for me to feel relief?
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
Never forget, that at our worst moments, God slows down and asks us questions. He did this for Adam and Eve in the Garden, “where are you?” He did this with Hagar, sent to die in the middle of the desert. Jesus doesn’t hide from Evil, He turns toward it and asks the questions. And Jesus knows this is so hard for us. So, here He is, King of Kings, right next to you in your darkest moment, giving you the courage to look Evil in the eye and ask questions.
”And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered.“
Genesis 16:8
Address It.
Finally, after we Notice It, Name It, Accept It, Investigate It we are ready to Address It. This is where you turn to your climbers and ask for help. You reach out to them for prayer, support and help. In time, as you all get to know each other better, we will all become familiar with our Preoccupation, Ritual and Shame and learn how to help each other Address It.
In this stage we might say something like:
I need to call my climbers. Send that text. I need to take this head on. The moment I send that text, I am closing the door to acting out. This is so good for me. Even though this is painful, God is in the process of rewiring my brain... to be renewed into a new man of God, God’s adopted Son!
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
By Addressing It, we will start to change. Our habits will change. Our hearts will change. The way we face pain will change. We will physically feel withdraw and God “renewing our minds.” This is where the battle starts against evil.
”Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:2
Remember N.N.A.I.A:
Notice It. Name It. Accept It. Investigate It. Address It.
Meet the J-Curve
What is the j-Curve?
Read Philippians 2: 5-11 (ESV):
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,
Who, though he was in the form of God,
did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
but emptied himself,
by taking the form of a servant,
being born in the likeness of men.
And being found in human form,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to the point of death,
even death on a cross.
Therefore God has highly exalted him
and bestowed on him the name that is above every name,
so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven
and on earth
and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
Journal & Discuss
Quietly Write:
How many steps down does Jesus take? Write your answers down privately.
Share:
Share your answers with the group.
Quietly Write:
How many steps up does Jesus take? Write your answers down privately.
Share:
Share your answers with the group.
Steps Down in Philippians 2
Steps Down that Jesus Takes
Jesus is God.
Jesus is God, with God, the Trinity has never been separated for all of time.
Who, though he was in the form of God,Jesus relinquishes his right
Jesus chooses to let go of this right, put it aside and steps down into our lives.
did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself,Became a human
Jesus could have taken any form to show us He is the Way the Truth and the Life. But He choose to become one of us.
being born in the likeness of men.As a Human, he became a servant
He could have been any kind of human, king, president, leader, but born in a manger, lived as a servant.
by taking the very nature of a servant,As a Servant, He Humbled Himself
As a servant, he lived a life of humbling himself to help us all see and follow Him
And being found in human form,
he humbled himselfBecame obedient to death
His love for us took him to his death, baring our sins, even asking the Father for another way out in Gethsemane. He obeyed, right into his execution.
by becoming obedient to the point of death,Even Death on a cross
But it wasn’t just a normal execution, he was naked, tortured, humiliated, mocked and scorned right until his final breath.
even death on a cross!
Share:
How many steps down did you miss? Add the missing steps to what you wrote.
What strikes you about the steps down that Jesus takes?
Do you see a pattern where God allows you (or calls you) to lower yourself much further than you expected?
Steps Up in Philippians 2
Steps Up That Jesus takes
God exalted Him
God raised Jesus from the dead. Jesus didn’t end his own J-Curve, the Father did. Jesus did the dying, His Father did the rising. God raised Jesus from the dead. Jesus was fully restored!Therefore God exalted him
To the Highest Place
How high was Jesus before He lowered Himself? Pretty high. But when the Father raised Him, He gave him the Highest Place! Can it get higher than the highest place? Yup! His resurrection continues! Keep reading!to the highest place
Name over every name
Jesus is given a name over EVERY name. His name is so powerful today that people even swear by it. The abuse His name. Why? Because it has power. No name, in all of history, is more powerful than the name of Jesus. God gives him a name over EVERY name.and gave him the name that is above every name,
Every knee will bow
I’m a fan of U2, which means I really like Bono. He has a name, Bono, and this name invokes reactions. I like him a lot, tons of people are indifferent, some have no clue who he is and others straight up don’t like him. Jesus is different. His name isn’t just above EVERY name, but at his name, one day, everyone will have a physical reaction and bow before him. Everyone.that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
In Heaven (All the saints who have ever lived), On the earth (all living people when he returns) and under the earth (all people in Hell who have rejected Jesus)
Who is going to bow? This text is crazy, but it’s clear. People who have died and are in heaven: they will bow. People who are alive on earth and see his Return: they will bow. And unbelievably, everyone in hell, who rejects Jesus, will also bow and see that Jesus is King.in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
Every tongue will acknowledge Jesus is LORD
When a name is over every name, people can still bow and mumble to themselves, “This guy is a joke.” But no, in the final stroke of Philippians 2, Paul tells us that EVERYONE will bow and in their hearts look at Jesus and say, “You are LORD, to the Glory of God the Father.”and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
Share:
How many steps up did you miss? Add the missing steps to what you wrote.
What strikes you about the steps up that Jesus is GIVEN?
Do you see a pattern where God raises you much further than you expected?
On the other side of Jesus’ death is his resurrection. Death, in Christianity, isn’t a period, it’s a path. It’s a path that leads to a Resurrection. This Resurrection is a life that is GREATER than the one we had before. Jesus is given a new body, a new role as our Redeemer, Jesus conquered Satan and Death itself. Because of Jesus, every grave one day will open up for all who believe. Jesus, forever, changed all of history. He is the King of Kings.
1) The Life of Jesus
The pattern of Jesus’ life is a J-Curve: Life -> Death -> Resurrection. This is the pattern of his entire ministry and life! This pattern is the Life of Jesus as we looked at in Philippians 2 and is the pattern of the whole Bible!
2) The Work of Jesus
The Life of Jesus leads into the Work of Jesus. This work of the Spirit is when each of us becomes a follower of Jesus, and by faith, our sins are forgiven. We were living in sin, washed by the blood of Jesus, and raised a saint, forgiven and given a NEW LIFE!
When we slow down and think about following Jesus, we see this “J-Curve” pattern everywhere.
When we are baptized, we stand in the water before our pastor, a confessing sinner in need of Jesus. We are lowered down into the water, because of sin, and we are raised up a new man! Born again!
Many denominations express baptism differently, but the same pattern of life, death and resurrection are at the very core of every evangelical profession of faith. We go down into death, experience forgiveness and raise up a new forgiven man. This is the very story of the gospel.
3) The Path of Jesus
As Climbers on this amazing journey, we are all on a J-Curve. This is the Path of Jesus.
The Life of Jesus leads into the Work of Jesus and the Work of Jesus tells as as his followers: Join Him! This is the Path of Jesus that our lives, from this point forward are shaped by. The J-Curve. Following Jesus, as climbers, into facing our sin (something we are living with and don’t know how to get rid of), then into putting the sin to death (climbing Mt Everest) and then finally, lasting freedom from this sin and a NEW LIFE, a NEW MIND, and a NEW HEART!
Paul Tells us to participate with Jesus, joining him in death and resurrection.
“I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.”
Being a Christian means for us to follow Jesus. We follow His life. His example. His words. He is our Savior, our King . . . He is everything.
And Jesus tells us, “Pick up your cross and follow me.” Wow. Jesus, very clearly, is telling us to join him in the J-Curve pattern of His life.
What does this mean for you in Climb29?
We face our addiction: We, with Jesus and our fellow Climbers by our side, face our addiction in the face. We look to Christ and say, “I don’t want to live like this. I’m ready for it to die. And this means, a part of me will have to die.
We follow Jesus, by taking steps down to die to our addiction: We, with Jesus and our fellow Climbers by our side, take steps down, down, down into the death of our old self in order for Jesus to raise in us a new man. We go into this journey not hiding from death, but looking it straight in the eye and accepting the need for us to put to death a sin that lives deep within us.
On the other side, we live a Resurrection Life: We, with Jesus and our fellow Climbers by our side, reach the top of Mt. Everest where sexual sin no longer controls us, but where Jesus Christ controls us. We WILL become new men. We WILL live differently. We WILL be leaders in our churches. We WILL no longer hide in shame, but lead others in true freedom and Truth. We will be free.
Discuss:
How does Paul “participate” with Jesus and how does he become like Jesus?
How does Paul connect death and resurrection? Is there hope?
How do you see the J-Curve at work here? What is Paul’s attitude towards the J-Curve?
How was joining this group a J-Curve journey for you? How many steps down did you take to get here?
“When we embrace the fellowship of his sufferings, it changes everything. Instead of nourishing slights and running from the suffering inherent in life and love, we embrace Christ in the suffering. It’s all about who you know.”
Getting to the bottom of “Y” Do we do this
Thanksgiving Dinner
Ron and his wife were preparing for Thanksgiving dinner. They were having a great time together, cooking, prepping, listening to music and setting the table for a wonderful meal. They sat down and had a great time having a quiet Thanksgiving meal together. Both were having a wonderful time. After they were finished their plates his wife got up from the table to get seconds.
As soon as she got up for seconds, Ron instantly felt angry. This feeling came fast and he didn’t stop it. He knew why he was mad: She already ate enough and he didn’t want her to get fat.
Ron’s porn use had faded; but he knew something deep inside him was still wrong. The kind of girls he looked at were skinny and small. His wife was small and skinny, but he was afraid she would gain weight and no longer be attracted to her.
Ron began to shut down. He know his feelings were wrong. He knew why he was mad. But he couldn’t stop the feeling of anger. The best he could do was sit there, mad, and be quiet.
As soon as she came back with seconds and sat down, instantly, their amazing time came to an end. She knew he was mad. He wasn’t good at hiding it. So she pressed him, “Honey, what happened? Why are you mad?”. Knowing the answer and afraid to tell her he said, “nothing” sill mad.
His wife wasn’t dumb and this isn’t her first time expereincing something like this. She pieced it together and called him out, “Is this because I got up for seconds?”
He admitted, yes, and the rest of the day was ruined. She was crushed. And he had no idea what to do with his anger, was full of shame.
What was the emotion that Ron felt when his wife Got up for seconds?
He was angry at her. He was quiet, and didn’t say anything, but this was anger.
Why Ron he feel Angry? What Rule did She break? Ron wasn’t aware of this rule When he was angry. But as he opened up later and told the story, he gave us the rule.
Don’t get seconds. Don’t get fat. I don’t want a fat wife.
Where did Ron’s rules come from? What is Ron’s Value? What Unspoken loves does Ron have that he wasn’t aware of a few days before?
My wife needs to be hot.
She needs to stay skinny.
My value comes from her beauty.
Physical beauty is very important to me.
The Broken “Y” Chart
The best way to see the “Y” in your life is to go from the top to the bottom, 3 then 2, then 1. When we looked at Ron, we started with his Anger (3). This was the emotion he felt. Then we tried to see where did the anger come from (2). What was Ron’s demand? Then, finally, we got to the core of Ron and saw that Ron’s distorted loves were driving his heart (1).
For us to understand the “Y” in our own lives, let’s now start at the bottom and move our way up. This will help us understand how the “Y” works in our lives.
1: Bottom of the “Y”
The bottom of the “Y” is where our “loves” or “idols” are. This part of the Climb, understanding the “Y” will take a long time. Each of us has our own story of what we love, what loves us, and what we define ourselves by through our stories in a broken world. In a broken world, each of us has learned how to live, create safe places of where we convince ourselves of what defines for us: how we are loved and what loves us.
Examples:
Ron: I love what I see, my wife, staying skinny, is how she will love me.
Other examples:
I love having sex, Sex is how my wife tells me she loves me.
I love being in a relationship. I need to have someone in my life.
I love having an organized home. When my family is organized, it shows they love and respect me.
2: Middle of the “Y”
The middle of the “Y” is where you make the choice to demand / defend your idol (that you are unaware of). When our loves are threatened, we need to defend them, demand that things be a certain way.
Examples:
Ron: I see my wife getting up for seconds, and I demand she controls what she eats.
Other examples:
My wife must have sex with me.
God should provide a spouse for me.
My family must be organized and listen.
3: Top of the “Y”
The top of the “Y” is what people see. This is how we act, good or bad. People see you are calm, or angry. Two most common experiences we have with people are Honesty and Compassion. These are the examples we are going to use. When in conflict, should you be honest or compassionate? if so, how?
Examples:
Ron: Sits there in quiet anger, destroying the wonderful day, and unable to turn his attitude around because his core love is being attacked.
Other examples:
I am angry with God at what is happening in my life (Distorted Honesty), this makes me want to go inner circle.
I feel bad for myself of the situation I am in (Distorted Compassion), this makes me want to go inner circle.
I loose my temper when people don’t clean up.
Where We are Going, The “Y”
1: Bottom of the “Y”
The bottom of the “Y” is through FAITH we choose to believe not in what our stories define us as, what other people have done or said or what we have said to ourselves for years. We are defined what God says about us.
When Jesus was babptized, heaven burst open in pride, and God declaired in an autable voice directly to Jesus:
“You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased.” Luke 3: 22b
These are defining words. Jesus says this now to you and me! We aren’t pieces of trash, destined to stay in inner circle our whole lives, we are his adopted Son, whom Jesus Loves and Jesus is pleased with us and has a great plan (PS 139!).
Faith is how we believe this. Faith is a choice we continue to make.
Examples:
In FAITH I believe that when Jesus looks at me He says to me: “You are my Son, whom I love; with whom I am well pleased.” This is what defines me each day.
Ron: My definition comes from Jesus. I am His Son, He loves me and He is pleased with me. My comfort doesn’t come from anyone or anything else. He is my life, my bread, my water.
2: Middle of the “Y”
When our definition is in Jesus, and life happens, instead of demanding and protecting my idol, with Jesus as my definition, I go into a place of dependance, a place where I need Jesus with every step I take. I have no idea what God wants me to do and how to act. I go to God as a child and ask for help, guidance and wisdom in the chaos of life.
Examples:
Ron: I see my wife getting up for seconds, and because of my broken choices, I am afraid of her getting fat because I value skinny people. Jesus, forgive me of this. Help me to love my wife as you love my wife. Help me to see her as you see her. Change me! Fill me with your Spirit.
Other examples:
My wife has turned me down for sex. This is hard for me. Jesus, you are my living water and the bread of life. All I need is you, and right now I feel sad. Help me not to be angry or feel sorry for myself. Guide me in how I should respond to feeling rejected. Fill me with your Spirit.
I am alone and I hate being alone. Tonight, I feel especially lonely, as a single person. Jesus, you are my living water and the bread of life. All I need is you, and right now I feel a sadness and a longing to be with someone. Guide me in how I should feel in these moments when I feel the weight of loneliness. Fill me with your spirit.
My family is a mess and they aren’t listening to my need for them to be clean. They aren’t listening to me. Jesus, you are my living water and the bread of life. All I need is you and right now I feel disrespected and don’t know what to do. Fill me with your Spirit!
3: Top of the “Y”
The top of the “Y” is what people see. This is how we act: should I be honest? If so, how? Should I be compassionate? If so, how? When we live in dependance with Jesus, the Spirit works in our lives, and we learn, through Jesus how to live and love people as Jesus shows us!
Examples:
Ron: Sees the evil seeds in his life from looking at Porn and his wrong longing for his wife to be skinny. Ron quietly repents of this, stands up, and joins his wife and gets seconds with her.
Other examples:
I feel turned down for sex, and while this is sad for me, instead of being intimate with my wife, I choose intimacy with Jesus. In this place, I rest with Jesus, join Him in the dying and rising and follow him. As I learn more about myself and how Jesus is working in my life, He will teach me how to be honest with my wife in a loving way and look for ways to be compassionate to her point of view.
I feel alone, and in my lonliness, I reach out to others and am honest with how I feel. Insteat of waiting for someone to reach out to me, I reach out and call others. If I can’t get a hold of anyone, I look for others that might be lonely and join them. Instead of being with others, I am with Jesus. In this place, I rest with Jesus, join Him in the dying and rising and follow him. As I learn more about myself and how Jesus is working in my life, He will teach me how to be how to be single in a way that is honest in my pain but also reaches out to others.
While I feel disrespected by my family not cleaning up this is something I know is hard for them and it’s hard for me. I can choose to be calm, helpful and honest about what I am asking and what is hard for them. Or I can clean up for them, and love them quietly. No matter what path I choose, I am choosing to become like Jesus, loving my family, instead of demanding change. I love them as Jesus loves me.
The Big question: How do we get from one to the other?
The Three J-Curves
The Repentance J-Curve
This is where we face our idols, learn to repent, and allow Jesus to start and define us. Evil, through Inner Circle, has been defining who you are. Now is the time for Jesus to enter and speak His love for you. You will start to believe it. And one day, when you want to go inner circle, you will agree with Jesus and start to say, “I hate this in my life. I’m ready to fight this.”
“And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.””
The Suffering J-Curve
As we stand up to fight inner circle, it takes years of change, hurt, sleepless nights, frustrations… all of this is what we MUST go through to face our stories, how we got here, why we stay and how God longs for something new in our lives. In order to do this, we must face suffering, and persevere.
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
The Love J-Curve
Jesus longs for us to become like Him; and this means that we turn pornography inside out. Porn uses people, destroys them and takes. Jesus loves people, blesses them and helps them grow and mature. What does it mean for us to become men that pursue others, through dying and rising, and looking for ways to love others? Instead of being needy men, we become loving men, going after others in love!
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.”