Base Camp 2.4
The Big Question: Why Are we Stuck in the Addictive Cycle?
19,250 Ft
“Our lives are always moving in the direction of our strongest thoughts. What we think shapes who we are.”
Craig Groeschel
Welcome to Base Camp 2.4!
Elevation 2•Base Camp•17,000 ft
First, Celebrate Your Wins!
Let’s pause for a moment and see how far we have climbed already. Here are the things you are now able to do to, or you are starting to do:
Noticing that we use Inner Circle to Self Soothe and/or Self Stimulate. All of us on this journey, instead of facing the tension and pain in our lives, either use inner circle to self soothe our pain or self stimulate. We are learning to self sooth and stimulate in Godly healthy ways.
Fight, Flight, Fawn and Freeze. When we were little, each of us learned how to protect ourselves in times of pain and uncertainty. We learned to notice our broken natural instincts and are re-learning how to respond in Godly ways.
Noticing Pain and Pleasure. All climbers, when facing Preoccupation, see ourselves running from Pain and running into Pleasure. We don’t handle pain well, and we love feeling good as quick as possible. Seeing this pattern in our lives helps us see what Is broken in us and our need for Jesus.
Sending a LifeLine after during Preoccupation: NNAIA in Preoccupation is one of the steepest cliffs to climb on this journey. This is where we start to face evil, invite Jesus and our other climbers INTO our pain, and begin to be come more like Jesus by facing evil.
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we want to go inner circle. Why is Evil here? Why now? What is Evil saying?
TURN to Jesus for help point each other to Jesus and His love for us. We are going to remind each other: Faith (God has always cared for your needs); Hope (God will always care for your needs); Love (You are free to move to others and away from yourself)
PRAY immediately, through text, for help from Jesus. We need the Holy Spirit to help us do the impossible. There are times when you pray and you won’t feel it’s possible to say no to Evil and yes to Jesus. But it is. And we will grow.
Blocking Access to Porn and online temptations with the help of tools and your other climbers. Taking this step in LifeLInes is amazing! While we are weak, tools like this are critical to get us to start turning from Porn, giving ourselves space to ask questions and for God to start rewiring our brain through new healthy neural pathways!
Goals of Base Camp 2.4
The goal of Base Camp 2.4 is to find out WHY we spin around and around in the Addictive Cycle in the first place. How did you start the cycle? Why can’t you leave? Why is this something that just keeps on spinning in our lives? How can we make it stop spinning and start the journey of healing? Our goal is to start facing all of these massive questions in this amazing and critical unit.
How Long Does Base Camp 2.4 Take?
This elevation of the Climb takes about 2 months depending on the work you put in.
When are you ready for the next level of Everest?
When you and your Sherpa agree that everyone understands the System of Addiction, can begin to talk about their own broken system and is ready to start the hard work of asking the question, “How did I get here?.”
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
At This Point In The Climb
By the end of 2.4 you should not be going Inner Circle more than 2x a month. On this part of the journey, you should be able to send LifeLines and start to slow how often you go Inner Circle.
Goal:
Inner Circle No More Than 2x A Month
Why Are we Stuck in the Addictive Cycle? It’s Time we face the bigger issue.
19,250 ft
2.4.1
Preparing to Learn about the Addictive System
This next part of the climb, as we slow down and take a step back, will blow your mind. There are a couple of points that need to be made before listening and starting to apply this lesson:
Be patient with yourself. Learning 2.4 will only take 1-2 months. Applying it and making it personal takes most climbers a year to fully process and apply it. BE PATIENT with yourself.
Ask tons of questions. Nothing we are sharing here is really simple and easy to process. As you think of a question… ask it!
Keep trying to apply it. In group, keep showing up with your own thoughts of how this applies to your life. It will take time to fully make it personal. Don’t wait to come up with something perfect, keep trying and allow your Sherpa to help you dig deeper and ask questions.
Be willing to dig deeper. It’s so easy for all of us to throw a quick answer at hard questions. Fight that. Challenge yourself and each other to think deeper.
Welcome to the Addictive System
The Addictive Cycle is something we are all very familiar with now: Preoccupation - Ritual - Acting Out - Despair and around and around we go. We have done an amazing job NNAIA. If the Addictive Cycle is a City, like Boston, what we are going to do now is pull the telescope back and look at the bigger picture of Massachusetts. In pulling the telescope back we are asking one of the biggest questions yet: How did we get stuck in the addictive cycle in the first place?
There is a cycle in our lives that spins above the Addictive Cycle: It’s called The Addictive System. It starts with a Distorted Identity, that leads to Distorted Desires, that sets us into the Addictive Cycle, that causes our lives to become Unmanageable.
Learning the Addictive System
Let us slowly take each one of these stages one at a time, giving you space to journal, and ask questions to your sherpa. Each of us has our own unique Addictive System. Each of us will be on our own journey to discover how Evil has spoken into our lives and how we have listened.
Distorted Identity
Each of us starts out with a Distorted Identity. But all of us have been marred by Evil differently. Since before we were born God had a plan for our lives, but Evil also had a plan to destroy God’s work. Evil knows that if we understood our God Created Image and followed Jesus, nothing could stop us from changing the world around us. So Evil, at a very early age, has been attacking each one of us, removing God’s view for your life, and breaking your own worldview.
Evil’s goal is to distort how you view yourself, others, and the world around you.
You might connect with these words right away, or in time you will create your own. Here is the question: When you get out of bed in the morning, or before you go to bed at night, and look in the mirror thinking about the day ahead of you or the day you just finished, how do you see yourself? Really? For those of us addicted to Inner Circle, we don’t like who we see.
I am bad.
All of us start here: some form of this short sentence. You aren’t good; you are bad. Men that have gone on this journey have discovered their own: I am not seen. I am not enough. I am a failure. I am a fraud. All of these are different ways of saying the same thing: I AM BAD. When we look in the mirror, we don’t see God’s Masterpiece, designed to do great things, we see our failures.
No one loves me.
Because I am bad, I know that deep down I am not loved. I am not love able. No one really cares. No one really sees me. I am alone when it really matters.
My needs will not be met.
Because I am bad, no one loves me. And because no one loves me, my true needs will not be met. I can’t count on others each time. I can’t count on God. At times God comes through. At times my friends come through. At times, those closest to me come through, but for the real things in life, when I need it, I can’t see my real needs being met.
Therefore, I need to take care of myself.
Because I am bad, no one loves me. Because no one loves me, my true needs won’t be met. The only way for my needs to be met is that I know, deep down, I need to care for myself because no one else will.
Write
What do you relate to? Take time in each area to write down in each section what you connect with and why. What are you thinking?
I am bad
No one loves me
My Needs won’t be met
Therefore, I need to take care of myself
Discuss
Who is willing to share what you connect with? Do you relate to the “Distorted Identity”? What parts to you have questions about? What parts resonate
Twisted Desires
Since you are bad, no one loves you, your needs won’t be met, and now that you know you need to take care of yourself, this leads us easily and quickly into Twisted Desires, where our thinking is impaired.
One man I counseled came to me, full of shame, and confessed that he his porn of choice was transgender porn. When he confessed this, he could barely look me in the eye as he finally took the courage to put words of a shame he carried for a long time.
This man hated himself. Many made fun of him and called him homo and gay. As he got older, into his 20’s the name calling didn’t stop. It got worse and even some of his bosses joined in on the fun. He learned quickly, no one likes him and that his needs, were confused, and couldn’t be met.
He began the journey of asking himself if he was gay, while still attracted to women, and found Transgender Porn. In his Impaired Thinking he found a place that agreed with everyone around him (I am gay) but also affirmed a deep attraction to women (I like women). His Twisted Desire was: “Transgender Porn is where I feel at home.”
We all have Twisted Desires. We all have rituals, things we looks up, things we have done or say to ourselves, that make no sense when we say them out loud, but in our hearts and in the quiet of the night, we believe them and follow them. Our Distorted Identity, feeds our Twisted Desires.
Write
What are you Twisted Desires? What lies have you told yourself about why you are going inner circle or need to go inner circle?
Discuss
Who is willing to share what you connect with? Do you relate to the “Twisted Desires”? What parts to you have questions about? What parts resonate?
The Addictive Cycle
A Distorted Identity of yourself leads to Distorted Desire. This leads to The Addictive Cycle that goes round and round as we all know well. The Addictive Cycle is where you act out your Distorted Desires.
Write
Now that you see the Addictive Cycle here in context, what are you learning about how you got into the Additive Cycle?
Discuss
What can you share from what you wrote above?
Life Becoming Unmanageable
Finally, after spinning around and around in the Addictive Cycle, it doesn’t take long at all for our lives to become unmanageable. We loose our ability to lead our family, we begin to loose integrity with our wives or girlfriends, we can’t hide our sin because it’s starting to effect our daily lives. And because life in unmanageable, there is a deep sick voice of evil, close by, excited to whisper: “See? I told you that you were bad.”
And the Addictive System starts all over again.
Write
How are you seeing that life is becoming Unmanageable? How does this effect those you love? How does this effect you? When you see your failures, how does that shape how you see yourself?
Discuss
What can you share from what you wrote above?
2.4.2
Starting to Understand Your Distorted Identity
Evil has been after you since before you were born to distort your identity. Each of us, according to PS 139 was made unique, amazing and designed to do great things that no other person can do. Evil knows the beauty that each of us can create, so its goal is to destroy God’s identity in you.
There is evidence that trauma can be passed down from generation to generation. Evil has had a plan to destroy you even before you were born. If you can doubt your God given beauty.
In our next level of Climb29, we are going to explore each of our stories in a lot of detail. These details will help you name your own brokenness. In the mean time, let’s think about this one example.
Let’s do an exercise
1
First, each person in your group should spend 5 minutes writing down all the different reasons you have gone Inner Circle. Don’t move to #2, until #1 is done.
For example: Loneliness, Disappointment, etc…
2
Secondly, Have each person share why they wrote. Don’t move to #3, until #2 is done.
Each person should share their list of reasons why you have gone inner circle. If someone wrote something you also agree with and see in your own life, add toy your own list.
Here is what others said about why they went inner circle or how they felt afterwards from others groups (their own words):
Sadness
Anger
Comfort
Pain
Insomnia
Lost expectations
Scared - will anyone love me?
I’m unwanted
Longing for attention
Heartbroken
Unseen
Forgotten
the big question: what do all of these combined say about you? what is evil whispering into your ear?
3
Thirdly, Imagine all of those things you wrote down were in a single bucket that you were carrying around. What does that bucket say about you? What words come to mind. Write the word or words down.
Think slowly and carefully about the bucket. Many times people say to me, “I’m not bad. I don’t see myself that way.” But evil is actively whispering in each of our ears. We have been listening. We believe what evil says about us. Defeated, we give up and give in all the time to what evil tells us. We all share this in common. Carefully think, not about the single things that evil says to you, but think about all the reasons you choose to go inner circle. And imagine all of those things are in a single bucket: What does that bucket say about you?
4
Finally, Have each person share What their bucket says about you.
My bucket was really full of reasons I went inner circle. When I had the courage, and I rarely did, to look at my bucket of excuses, reasons for turning my back on God and my wife, my bucket was a reminder that I am a failure. I am a bad person. I am someone who can’t change. Have each person
Let’s Look at An Example
The words in bold, we all share in common, no matter our backgrounds. Through an understanding of how Evil has uniquely twisted your identity you will begin to unpack the first two statements over time. But we all have some form of 1) I am bad 2) No one loves me
| John Miller | Daniel | Jacob | You | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Distorted Identity | I am Bad. No one loves me. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I'm Unwanted. I will always be alone. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I am a Misfit. No one respects me. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I am ________ No one will ever ___________ My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
| Twisted Thinking | ||||
| Addictive Cycle | ||||
| Life Becoming Unmanageable |
Starting to Name Your Distorted Identity is the beginning of putting your foot on the neck of evil.
You are God’s adopted son. You are PS 139. You are created by God, for a purpose, with beauty, to do great things. And Evil has been on a journey to make you think otherwise. Each time we begin the hard work of naming how evil is trying to break us down, it is us, turning and looking evil in the eye, putting our foot on it’s evil neck and saying, “not today. Not anymore. I am starting to see what I can be.” This is one of the greatest feelings in the Christian life.
2.4.3
Starting to Understand Your Twisted Desires
Inner Circle, for me, happened everyday, every morning in the shower. There were times were I broke from that pattern, but by far, the most I went inner circle was in the shower.
I was in a job that I hated. My commute was 3 hours each way, 6 hours of my day fighting other angry drivers as an angry driver just to put in a full day at work where I had to fight every turn to defend my team for them to be able to do their jobs. My wife was always kind to me, but deep down I knew she really didn’t like having sex. She was too kind to say it to me. But I knew the truth. I felt like she tolerated sex.
Everywhere I went I felt evil saying to me, “John Miller is bad. He’s not a good person.”
From time to time I would go to bed, excited to be close to my wife, only to face rejection. Because of this, I would have a hard time falling asleep. I would wake up, at 5am, tired and ready to be out of the door in 20 minutes to start my 3 hour commute. When I got in the shower, felt the warm water, I knew how to instantly make myself feel better: Inner Circle.
Starting off the day going Inner Circle, I told myself, this is the only way you fan fix this broken story you find yourself in.
I did this pattern since college, and was now in my 30’s.
Let’s Do An Exercise
1
First, each person in your group should spend 5 minutes writing down all the different Frustrations, confusion and thoughts you have had about sex.
For example: Why are women difficult? Is gay sex bad? Why does God make us wait?
2
Secondly, Would each of you be willing to share just one thing you wrote down?
Here are some notes from my journal during those years. These are my actual words:
Jesus, why are men and women so different? I hate how you have made us. We don’t think alike at all. I masturbate because I don’t know where else to go.
Jesus, I was turned down again by my wife last night. She made me feel like we might have sex, but here I am. As long as you don’t change her, I don’t have a choice but to go masturbate. I hate this.
Jesus, did I marry the wrong person? I thought I was listening to you. Was I? Did you want me to marry someone else and I messed up? Did I overlook someone else? Is this my punishment? She is the reason I keep doing this.
Jesus, why did I listen to you when I dated my wife? I wish I knew what she looked like fully naked. I’m not sure I would have married her.
Let me be clear, God has done a deep healing in my life since I wrote those words. I hated retyping them. They are so broken, the voice of evil was so loud in my heart. But I wrote them for us to learn. We all have thoughts just like these.
Here are some distorted desires (impaired thinking) that others have shared:
Am I gay?
No one notices me.
My wife isn’t fun.
No one will ever notice me if my own wife doesn’t notice me.
Why didn’t I marry someone with a better body?
Let’s Look at Examples from Other people
| John Miller | Daniel | Jacob | You | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Distorted Identity | I am Bad. No one loves me. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I'm Unwanted. I will always be alone. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I am a Misfit. No one respects me. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I am ________ No one will ever ___________ My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
| Twisted Thinking | The only way for me to be faithful as a husband is to go Inner Circle in the shower each morning. Here is where I'm free to dream of the life I wish I had. | Everyone said I'm gay. Maybe that's why I'm alone in my 30's with no real girlfriend. I still like women. But maybe I'm gay too. This transgender porn is really exciting. | I love it when my wife is on her knees giving me a blow job. She doesn't feel comfortable and this makes me angry. I love porn where I'm wanted and in control. | |
| Addictive Cycle | ||||
| Life Becoming Unmanageable |
Starting to Name Your Twisted Thinking is the beginning of Finally Understanding you aren’t chasing God Sex, you are chasing Cave Sex.
Evil has taken one of God’s most amazing ways of a man and a woman learning to love each other: God Sex. I call it Garden Sex, how God meant for Sex to be when He made us in the Garden in Genesis 1 & 2. But Evil has had a plan: If I can ruin this amazing gift and turn it in to poison, I can stop men from becoming who God intended them to be. I can make the quiet instead of bold, I can make them angry instead of gentle, I can make them demand for power instead of giving power to others. If I can destroy Garden Sex; this is a doorway for me to destroy their whole Identity in Christ Jesus.
Write
What is some of your Twisted thinking? What do you question or say to yourself before you go inner circle?
Share
What are you willing to share with the group about what you wrote?
2.4.4
Starting to Understand What You are trying to Fix in the Addictive Cycle
First, Satan started by distorted our identity. We lost our foundation.
Second, Satan whispers small thoughts that begin to twist and twist in our minds. Not grounded in our identity in Jesus, we begin to define ourselves by something else.
The Addictive Cycle is where we practice and try out all of our Twisted Desires. Round and round we go, watching something a little different, trying to find a home, a “safe” place to act out.
We all know the Addictive Cycle well. And now we know what got us in there.
Let’s Do An Exercise
1
First, each person in your group should spend 5 minutes writing down what you are tempted to search for when you want to go inner circle.
For example: Blow Jobs, Gay Sex, Dirty Sex, MILFs, etc . . .
2
Secondly, Would each of you be willing to share just one thing you wrote down?
Let me be clear: if you aren’t comfortable sharing, that is ok. You can pass. The main purpose here isn’t to judge or correct, just to simply listen to each other. Each of us feels shame for what we have searched and looked at. WE ALL SHARE THIS IN COMMON. What we are doing here is starting to peel back the layers of what you are looking at and what it says about how you are acting out on your Distorted Identity and your Twisted Thinking.
Let me be clear, there is no sin, no pit that the love of Jesus has not gone deeper still. We have all sunk low, yes. But Jesus, on the cross sunk even lower. And when he went lower, only Jesus can catch us. This isn’t about comparing who is worse: we are all equal in our depravity. But this is about Jesus starting to catch us, heal us, and set us on our feet to lasting change.
Let’s Look at Examples from Other people
| John Miller | Daniel | Jacob | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Distorted Identity | I am Bad. No one loves me. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I'm Unwanted. I will always be alone. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I am a Misfit. No one respects me. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
| Twisted Thinking | The only way for me to be faithful as a husband is to go Inner Circle in the shower each morning. Here is where I'm free to dream of the life I wish I had. | Everyone said I'm gay. Maybe that's why I'm alone in my 30's with no real girlfriend. I still like women. But maybe I'm gay too. This transgender porn is really exciting. | I love it when my wife is on her knees giving me a blow job. She doesn't feel comfortable and this makes me angry. I love porn where I'm wanted and in control. |
| Addictive Cycle | I go Inner Circle in the shower because I feel safe here. I fantasize thinking about other people, make up stories about how they truly love me and show it to me through as much sex as I want. | Once I found Transgender Porn, I got to explore Gay Sex at the same time I was also watching Heterosexual Porn. The confusion was a rush. I found a place to explore where I was wanted and belonged. | In all of my porn, women do whatever I want and they love me for it. Blow jobs. Any type of sex. I name it, we get to do it. I'm in control and love every moment of the feeling. |
| Life Becoming Unmanageable |
Starting to Actually see Your Ritual is about acting out Cave sex, running from God Sex.
Evil has done so much to destroy our thinking, that taking this step back and looking at our Addictive Cycle took at TON of courage. The healing starts to come when we see we THINK we are chasing sex, but really we have settled for Evil’s version of sex: Cave Sex. This isn’t sex. It’s not God sex. We have been sold an alternate. And we use it to heal our broken wounds.
Write
How do you see that your Addictive Cycle is you acting out your Twisted Thinking? What surprises you?
Share
What are you willing to share with the group about what you wrote?
2.4.5
Starting to Understand How Life has become Unmanageable
Inner Circle, for me, happened everyday, every morning in the shower. There were times were I broke from that pattern, but by far, the most I went inner circle was in the shower.
I was in a job that I hated. My commute was 3 hours each way, 6 hours of my day fighting other angry drivers as an angry driver just to put in a full day at work where I had to fight every turn to defend my team for them to be able to do their jobs. My wife was always kind to me, but deep down I knew she really didn’t like having sex. She was too kind to say it to me. But I knew the truth. I felt like she tolerated sex.
Everywhere I went I felt evil saying to me, “John Miller is bad. He’s not a good person.”
From time to time I would go to bed, excited to be close to my wife, only to face rejection. Because of this, I would have a hard time falling asleep. I would wake up, at 5am, tired and ready to be out of the door in 20 minutes to start my 3 hour commute. When I got in the shower, felt the warm water, I knew how to instantly make myself feel better: Inner Circle.
Starting off the day going Inner Circle, I told myself, this is the only way you fan fix this broken story you find yourself in.
I did this pattern since college, and was now in my 30’s.
Let’s Do An Exercise
1
First, each person in your group should spend 5 minutes writing Down all the ways that Your Distorted Identity, Twisted Thinking and the Addictive Cycle have hurt yourself and those around you.
For example: Distance from my wife, no close friends, I feel angry . . .
2
Secondly, Would each of you be willing to share just one thing you wrote down?
Here are some notes from my journal during those years. These are my actual words:
My wife and I haven’t talked in weeks now. I’m so angry and both of us are on such different pages.
Why has God made sex like this? I hate his design. It’s like He’s playing with me.
Why didn’t the Church ever help me? I hate that I feel shame here. I should be coming here for help, but I’m surrounded by people who all have their lives together.
I’ve distanced myself from others.
I’ve distanced myself from God.
There are somethings (like sex) that I just don’t talk about anymore.
3
Third, Do your very best to be honest. Because of your answers about how your life has been effected by this sin, how do you see yourself because of those things?
Here are some notes from my journal during those years. These are my actual words:
My wife and I haven’t talked in weeks now. I’m so angry and both of us are on such different pages.
Why has God made sex like this? I hate his design. It’s like He’s playing with me.
Why didn’t the Church ever help me? I hate that I feel shame here. I should be coming here for help, but I’m surrounded by people who all have their lives together.
4
Finally, Share with the group about how you see yourself as a result. Listen to each other and look for what you all share in common. What names do you give yourself as a result?
Here is the final point: Do you see that when life becomes unmanageable, we name ourselves? Stupid. Failure. Hypocrite. The list goes on and on. This list, affirms, deep down inside of us: I WAS RIGHT. I am bad. No one loves me. My needs will never be met. I need to take care of myself. When life becomes unmanageable, it reaffirms our Distorted Identity. I am bad.
Let’s Look at Examples from Other people
| John Miller | Daniel | Jacob | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Distorted Identity | I am Bad. No one loves me. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I'm Unwanted. I will always be alone. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
I am a Misfit. No one respects me. My needs won't be met. Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
| Twisted Thinking | The only way for me to be faithful as a husband is to go Inner Circle in the shower each morning. Here is where I'm free to dream of the life I wish I had. | Everyone said I'm gay. Maybe that's why I'm alone in my 30's with no real girlfriend. I still like women. But maybe I'm gay too. This transgender porn is really exciting. | I love it when my wife is on her knees giving me a blow job. She doesn't feel comfortable and this makes me angry. I love porn where I'm wanted and in control. |
| Addictive Cycle | I go Inner Circle in the shower because I feel safe here. I fantasize thinking about other people, make up stories about how they truly love me and show it to me through as much sex as I want. | Once I found Transgender Porn, I got to explore Gay Sex at the same time I was also watching Heterosexual Porn. The confusion was a rush. I found a place to explore where I was wanted and belonged. | In all of my porn, women do whatever I want and they love me for it. Blow jobs. Any type of sex. I name it, we get to do it. I'm in control and love every moment of the feeling. |
| Life Becoming Unmanageable | At church I'm a godly man. At home I'm a frustrated man. In the shower, I give into Evil everyday. My frienships are distant. My wife is drifting away and hurt. My kids will find out. I am Bad. | I love my wife. But she feels distance from me. I am horribly embarassed by what I look at online. I hang my head in shame. I can't "get it up" around my wife as much. I feel so much shame and it's hurting her and my kids. No one wants me. | I've hurt my wife in sex. I'm selfish. I am starting to loose how to even talk with other people. I'm weak with my commiments. I'm not in control of anyone or anything. I am a misfit. I will never fit in. |
Do you see how this cycle goes around and around?
Evil starts with removing your Identity in Christ. With the Rock of Jesus removed, with out doubts, insecurity and pride as the center, our minds get all twisted. And as we act out more and more, the deeper and deeper we go into the cave. And the cave only knows how to whisper one thing: You are bad.
Write
How do you feel after this section? Do you feel it’s easy to see how your life has become unmanageable and how that feeds into your distorted thinking?
Share
What are you willing to share with the group about what you wrote?
2.4.6
Make Your Third Prayer Card
Cave Thinking Prayer Card
Each of us needs a 3x5 card for our third prayer card. On this card, write it out just like you see it below. Use this card as a template. What you are going to do is the two blanks under “Your Cave Thinking” is where you are going to start the journey of discovering how Evil uniquely whispers to you. In our distorted identity, we all have some version of “I am bad. No one loves me.” But in each of our stories we will all have slightly different ways that evil whispers this to us.
What is yours?
Here are some examples from other climbers:
I am bad, no one loves me.
I am alone, I will always be alone.
I am not seen, no one values me.
I am a misfit, I’ll never fit in.
I am a fraud, no one knows how bad I am.
Starting Template For Your Prayer Card
| Cave Thinking Example | Your Cave Thinking |
|---|---|
| I am Bad. | I am ___________. |
| No one loves me. | No one ___________. |
| My needs won't be met. | My needs won't be met. |
| Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
Therefore, I have to take care of myself. |
| Jesus, on this journey into my story, help me to see how Evil has named me, how Evil uses this to keep me in the Cave & afraid of change. Give me eyes to see my story! | |
Here is John Miller’s example of his daily Cave John and Garden John Prayer Card:
How to use this Prayer card
We are going to improve this prayer card and add more to it. But before we do, we need to use this prayer card when you are in preoccupation and want to go inner circle. Use this card to help you understand what Evil is whispering to you.
If what you wrote in the right column deeply resonates, you are on to something and getting at the heart of how Evil has distorted your Identity. If you don’t really connect, then use this card to keep digging and allow yourself to ask:
“Jesus, on this journey into my story, help me to see how Evil has named me, how Evil uses this to keep me in the Cave & afraid of change. Give me eyes to see my story!”
2.4.7
The Wall
In one climbing group, one of the men at this point in the journey asked me in group, “is the actual goal here that we never go Inner Circle again?” He was facing the reality that killing this sin in his life was hard work and was going to continue to be really hard work. This group isn’t about stopping Inner Circle, it’s about facing evil, turning towards Jesus and becoming men that look and act like Jesus.
And yes, no more Inner Circle. Ever.
When I told him this, he wasn’t mad, but he was quiet. When Jesus asks us to walk away from our sin and follow Him, there is a wall that each of us faces during suffering.
Some of us don’t make it over.
Some of us do.
And the ones of us that make it over . . . wow, there is a whole other version of knowing Jesus on the other side.
It’s amazing.
But the wall is real.
Discuss:
Of the numbers above, where are you right now?
Do you feel you are facing a “wall”? What are you feeling?
What questions is the wall forcing you to ask yourself?
What do you think Jesus is allowing to happen in your life by hitting this wall?
How can you make it over the wall? What is stopping you?
2.4.9
Writing a Letter to Yourself
“I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’”
– Muhammad Ali
Writing a Letter to Yourself is One of your main tools to help you stop in Preoccupation, send a LifeLine and experience change.
What is a Letter To Yourself?
On this journey, some of the tools are ideas that we learn, then we practice those ideas through sending LifeLines.
The Addictive Cycle
The Addictive System
N.N.A.I.A.
Fight, Flight, Fawn, Freeze instead of facing our pain
But this week, we are ending Base Camp with a very practical tool: A letter that you are going to write to yourself, that you will read to yourself in Preoccupation. This letter will only be shared with the other men in your group, and is a very private tool, a conversation between you and God, to help you N.N.A.I.A. This tool isn’t an idea, it’s something real, something tangible that you are either going to use or not use.
This letter needs to be honest.
You can’t fake this letter for one really good reason: it’s written by you for you. If you cheat here, don’t take this seriously or try and make a shortcut, only you are going to be effected. This letter needs to be Truth from what you have learned about yourself and what you will continue to learn.
This letter isn’t written once, it’s refined again and again.
Next week you are all going to come to group with your own letter. The other men will listen to your letter. They will listen for 1) over the last several months, have you gotten to know yourself better? 2) have you gotten to see how evil whispers, uniquely to you? 3) are you being honest? 4) Will this letter really help you, and does it show an understanding of your own story? It will be amazing to hear what you all write. But as we enter Cave Sex, you are going to learn a lot more about your stories. As you learn more, come back to your letter, sharpen that sword, and make it even better.
The goal isn’t to write a long letter. The goal is to write an important letter.
This should only be one page. Something you can fold and put in your wallet. A letter you carry with you where you go. A note you can store on your phone. It can’t be long. You won’t read a long letter when you are tempted. You know yourself. You know how in Preoccupation you don’t want to stop. So speak to yourself clearly and precisely.
This letter is to be used in Preoccupation
When you are in Preoccupation, being tempted to go Inner Circle, this is a tool you are going to use to STOP, PAUSE, REFLECT, PRAY and finally, ASK FOR HELP. This tool is amazing because it’s so practical.
You wrote it.
You either have learned about yourself or you haven’t.
You are either going to read it in Preoccupation and follow it, or you aren’t.
God will use this tool to help change you, but only if you allow it.
Read these two example Letters to Yourself. See how short they are, but how much each person has learned about their stories and how they know what weapons evil is going to use on them. Evil is stupid. It uses the same tricks each time. What do you learn by reading each of these letters?
Example Letter to Yourself: John’s Letter
John,
You are reading this right now because you want to act out. The pornography you saw as a child and looked at later in life is alive and lifelike in your memory. It’s easy to recall in a moments notice. Past girlfriends or missed “opportunities” have become fantasies for you when life feels hard. You want to feel pleasure from the pain that you are in right now. This is where you have always gone to make you feel better. You are looking for relief. And what you are feeling right now sucks.
Do yourself some justice and read this. Then you can decide if this pleasure you seek is satisfying.
Let’s begin:
You feel unwanted and unseen. Your needs are not being met. You feel bad. You feel like no one really loves you and your needs won’t be met. In your fantasies you are loved. Cherished. Cared for. Valued. You have a voice and your voice is heard and it matters. Your needs are met in your fantasies. So you dive into these fantasies and masturbate. This most often happens for you in the early morning when you wake up and feel the pain of life before the day begins.
But every time you masturbate it’s the same ending: You are alone. When the fantasy is over you see it wasn’t real. What made you feel better now leaves you feeling even worse about yourself: You are bad. Look at what you just did. You aren’t loved: You have to use fantasies to feel loved. This makes you feel worse about yourself every time and makes your addiction only worse. After 20 years, this cycle doesn’t end.
What happens if I continue to do this?
I will continue to distance myself from Pam and be angry
Instead of trying to understand sex, I get angry about it
Instead of trying to understand how God made us, I get angry about it
I will feel alone, unloved and unknown
John, you are loved more than you have ever dreamed through Jesus and through your friends and family. They are all cheering for you. God has had a plan for you since the beginning of time. Satan has had a plan to… and it’s for you to feel stuck here. Pam is worth fighting for. Your kids are worth fighting for. YOU are worth fighting for. You are loved. You are seen. Your needs will be met through the Living Jesus if you trust and follow Him.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
You can do this. It’s time to text and send some lifelines for help.
Love, John
Example Letter to Yourself: Fred’s Letter
Fred,
You are reading this right now because you want to act out. You have either seen something provocative, you’re trying to soothe yourself to sleep or you want to avoid boredom or work. You want to experience pleasure.
Do yourself some justice and read this. Then you can decide if this pleasure you seek is satisfying.
Let’s begin:
You concoct a fantasy in your mind that arouses you. It’s one where you are seen. You are handsome. But you are abused in this fantasy. You are a victim. You are controlled, punished and taken advantage of. You are shamed. Somehow this arouses you and you experience sexual pleasure by acting out. When it’s over you feel horrified. This fantasy is never something you would want to happen to you or anyone else. It’s disgusting. You are so confused about why you have these thoughts. You want to crawl out of your skin. But it’s too complicated so you forget about it and bury it deep down until the next time. So it’s always unaddressed, its always there haunting you, confusing you, shaming you.
What happens if I continue to do this?
I will be in this cycle of abuse, shame and confusion. I will continue to be disgusted with my thoughts and in denial the rest of the time. How can I possibly experience real erotic holy sex if this is how I experience sexual pleasure?
The trauma of my childhood will continue to name me.
I will continue to fight with my spouse about sex. I hate hate hate that!!!!!
I can’t keep living this way. How long will I wait?
The time is now. You have the courage to do this. You are a beautiful sexual being created in God’s image, a son of the king. It’s time to deconstruct the confusion and start asking some questions. What are you doing here evil? Why now?
O God, I look behind me and you are there, then up ahead and you’re there too…even the darkness is light to you o Lord.
You can do this. It’s time to text and send some lifelines for help.
Love,
Fred
Time to make your letter To Yourself
Here is your template
STOP
Start with what are the circumstances that might be happening in your life to read this letter?
Example: You are reading this right now because you want to act out. You have either seen something provocative, you’re trying to soothe yourself to sleep or you want to avoid boredom or work. You want to experience pleasure.
PAUSE
Then, through Grace and Truth (Jesus) urge yourself to keep reading. You know how hard it is to stop in Preoccupation, so encourage yourself.
Example: Do yourself some justice and read this. Then you can decide if this pleasure you seek is satisfying.
rEFLECT - What does evil Whisper to You?
Then, this next section is REALLY important. You will come back to this section and rewrite it again and again as you learn more about yourself. This is where you speak directly to how you have learned what Evil is whispering in your heart about your 1) Distorted Identity and 2) Your Twisted Desires. Apply what you have learned to your story. You need to be able to reach your own heart. What have you learned about why you are in preoccupation?
Example: Let’s begin: You concoct a fantasy in your mind that arouses you. It’s one where you are seen. You are handsome. But you are abused in this fantasy. You are a victim. You are controlled, punished and taken advantage of. You are shamed. Somehow this arouses you and you experience sexual pleasure by acting out. When its over you feel horrified. This fantasy is never something you would want to happen to you or anyone else. It’s disgusting. You are so confused about why you have these thoughts. You want to crawl out of your skin. But it’s too complicated so you forget about it and bury it deep down until the next time. So it’s always unaddressed, its always there haunting you, confusing you, shaming you.
rEFLECT - Where is this going?
Then, make yourself see what is on the other side of going Inner Circle. Why are you even doing this? Evil doesn’t want you to remember why we are even in this battle. What are the consequences if you act out?
Example: What happens if I continue to do this?
I will be in this cycle of abuse, shame and confusion. I will continue to be disgusted with my thoughts and in denial the rest of the time. How can I possibly experience real erotic holy sex if this is how I experience sexual pleasure?
The trauma of my childhood will continue to name me.
I will continue to fight with my spouse about sex. I hate hate hate that!!!!!
I can’t keep living this way. How long will I wait?
rEFLECT - What is the beauty we are Really After?
Then, make yourself see the hope of NOT going Inner Circle. What is the hope if you DON’T if you act out?
Example: The time is now. You have the courage to do this. You are a beautiful sexual being created in God’s image, a son of the king. It’s time to deconstruct the confusion and start asking some questions. What are you doing here evil? Why now?
PRAY
Then, write out a Prayer to Jesus. Make it honest and real.
Example: O God, I look behind me and you are there, then up ahead and you’re there too…even the darkness is light to you o Lord.
ASK FOR HELP
Finally, make yourself stand up, become the man of God you know you are and take Action.
Example: You can do this. It’s time to text and send some lifelines for help. When I’m done sending my LifeLines, in order for me to stop, I need to leave this room and go for a walk.
Love,
Fred
Last Homework for Base Camp. Congratulations. You Did it.
Write your own letter this week. Come prepared next week to read it to the men. They are going to listen for:
Is your letter honest?
Is your letter evidence that you understand how evil whispering to you?
Does your letter reach out to Jesus for help?
Does your letter speak to your own heart?
And finally . . .
Are you using this letter, refining it, on a regular basis?
2.4.10
How does Jesus see you?
We are Blind Bartimaeus
Read Mark 10: 46-52
46 Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. 47 When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”
48 Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”
49 Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.”
So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” 50 Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.
51 “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
52 “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.
Setting the Stage
Jericho is a big city. It is one of the oldest, continually inhabited cities - dating back to 6,000 B.C.
The greek word ικανον for “large crowd” or “considerable crowd” refers to a military term in size. This means the crowd was easily 1,000 - 2,000 people. It’s a very large crowd walking with Jesus.
Bartimaus was a known beggar, who most likely lived in this same spot his whole life begging for money, food and aid.
Mark 10: 46 & 47
Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”
Q: Bartimaeus shouts at Jesus, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” What does this tell us about what Bartimaeus had heard about Jesus?
A: He has heard stories of Jesus. Healing. Saving. Helping. He heard something that makes cry out for help. He also refers to Jesus as “Son of David”. Bartimaeus recognizes that Jesus is royalty, since David was an ancient king of Israel.
Q: What does Bartimaeus want?
A: To have mercy on him. He’s a blind beggar. He wants to be healed and given a new chance at life.
Mark 10: 48
Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”
Q: What does the crowd think of Bartimaeus?
A: They want him to shut up.
Q: If “many” from a crowd of 2,000 people rebuked Bartimaeus, who is louder the crowd or Bartimaeus?
A: It’s a shouting match, people are yelling at him to shut up and his reaction is to shout louder.
Q: Is Bartimaeus concerned about what people think? What does he do when people tell him to shut up?
A: He shouts even louder.
Q: Why is He shouting louder?
A: He needs to shout over the people. He doesn’t want to loose his chance for Jesus to hear him. He is desperate.
Mark 10: 49
Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.”
Q: What is Jesus paying attention to?
A: Bartimaeus
Q: Does Jesus care what everyone else is thinking?
A: No. He has shifted to Bartimaeus.
Mark 10: 50 & 51
So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.
Q: What is strange about the crowd’s reaction?
A: They hated Bartimaeus and wanted him to shut up. Now that Jesus wants to see him, they all like him. The crowd here is no different than all the fickle kids in high school.
Q: What is Bartimaeus’ reaction?
A: He’s pumped!
Mark 10: 51 & 52
“What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.
Q: Why is it Odd that Jesus asks him, “what do you want?”
A: It’s odd because the guy is obviously blind. He’s yelling at the top of his lungs for Jesus to help him.
Q: Why is this an amazing question?
A: Jesus treats this man with respect by asking him what he wants to do for him. He’s not assuming. He’s not treating him as a screwed up blind man. Jesus loves him as a person. Jesus gives him to the space and dignity to respond.
We are Blind Bartimaeus
Here we all are. With our Distorted Identities. Our Twisted Thinking. Our Addictive Cycle. Our lives that are unmanageable. We are a mess. Just like Blind Bartimaeus.
In this group, we have cried out, “Jesus son of David, have mercy on me!” and what does Jesus do?
He slows down. Stops what He’s doing. Comes to our side.
Then He asks a question:
What do you want me to do for you?
This is where we are. What do you want Jesus to do for you? He sees you. He loves you. And He’s asking you a question.
What is your reply?
Are you ready to be healed?