Base Camp • 17,000ft
“It’s the job that’s never started that takes the longest to finish.”
The Lord of the Rings
Welcome to Base Camp. This is where you start with core climbing tools and how to use them.
Base camp is where we start the work to climb. This is amazing that you have come this far… the work will be hard but the view at the top of Mt Everest is amazing. Evil has had a grip on your story for a long time, and now it’s time for us to as questions and through Courage, Commitment and Curiosity we can begin to learn and believe things about ourselves we never thought was possible.
This stage is all about learning to use new tools. None of these tools are magic bullets. None of them replace Jesus and his redemptive work in your life. But all of them have beauty and truth in them and are worth learning. Not all the climbing tools are going to be tools that you use or relate to. Everyone is different. Imagine you are going into a store to try on a suit. Not all the suits are going to fit you nicely, but some of them will. That is how these climbing tools will work. You may like them all, or just some. But they are valuable in learning how to climb on this journey.
Elevation 2•Base Camp•17,000 ft
Goals of Base Camp:
The Goal of Base Camp is to give you tools you will need on this journey. Each tool is carefully planned and timed. This elevation is one of the longest and one of the most foundational.
The best way to describe this elevation is like we are going to load you up with lots of climbing tools. Some of them you will like right away. Some you will connect strongly with over time. Others you won’t connect with or understand their importance. But all of the tools presented here will be used in time on this amazing journey.
We will learn new words to use to describe our acting out
We will learn about what makes us go back to acting out
We will learn about ways to keep us safe
We will learn about a new kind of accountability
How long does Base Camp take?
This elevation of the Climb takes about 6-9 months depending on the work you put in.
When are you ready for the next level of Everest?
When you and your Sherpa agree that everyone understands all of the tools, everyone is using the tools appropriately and the group regularly reaches out for LifeLines (to be explained later) during preoccupation.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41: 1—13
Getting Started With Your First Climbing Tools
17,000 ft
Going Inner Circle
Learning the 3 Circles
“Inner Circle” is one of the first climbing tools we will learn how to use. It’s a term you are going to use on this entire journey up to the top of Mt Everest. The purpose of this tool is to help you a safe name your addictive behavior during the week and helping you to see a lack of healthy behaviors in your life.
Why is the shape of “The 3 Circles” a funnel?
We are all here because our lives have been effected by acting out. We have all struggled differently. Each time we act out and move away from God, we fall deeper into ourselves, into a pit. We don’t just struggle with an unwanted sin, we go deep down into a behavior. This is a downward pit. Life isn’t easy by default. By default, there is a pull downwards when we have a hard day. We get angry, sad . . . or choose to act out.
Write
How have you seen your acting out as a downward funnel? How has it gotten worse? In what ways did you try and pull yourself out?
Discuss
Who is willing to share how acting out has been a funnel with no bottom? How has it effected your life? What have you done in the past to help you see that this is a pit you don’t know how to get out of?
Outer Circle
The outer circle represents the healthiest part of you and your time. These are behaviors that give you rest and fill your soul. Time with the family, watching sports, in the garden, reading a book, hunting, painting, looking at the ocean, the smell of coffee, quiet time with God, reading, time with friends, playing golf...
People with addictive behaviors have terrible Outer Circle lives. Instead of getting rest and filled up, there is usually a large amount of stress and lack of self care.
Look at where the outer circle is on the funnel. Is it curved down into funnel or is it flat? It’s flat! When we live a more balanced life, the less likely we will be to fall into unwanted addictions.
Write
Write down behaviors that you consider safe, healthy and beneficial to your recovery and healthy intimacy. These could include self-care activities that were squeezed out of your life but you miss them. What do you do that give you life and rest?
Discuss
What Outer Circle behaviors or activities do you feel are missing in your life? How healthy is your Outer Circle life? Why?
Middle Circle
The Middle Circle is where life happens. This is where the busyness of our lives are. We wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, each lunch, come home, help your family, try to watch a show you might like before you got to bed and do it all over again. This is where we feel the struggles of parenting, of being single, of our work, commute, hard relationships, earning a paycheck, going to school . . . this is where life is lived and it’s hard.
The main issue for those of us with addictions is that we have little to no outer circle and therefore we live in the middle circle. Did you notice where the middle circle is in the funnel? Is it flat like the outer circle? No. It’s curved.
When you get to the top of Mt Everest you will learn how to live in the Outer Circle AND the Middle Circle. We can’t escape Middle Circle.
But our first issue is realizing that each of us LIVES in the middle circle with little to NO Outer Circle.
And what happens when we live in the side of the funnel on the Middle Circle? We get pulled down.
Write
What about life to you feels like Middle Circle? What are the harder parts of life for you right now? When you start to feel the pressure, this is where start the process of acting out. Write down behaviors that are slippery for you. These are behaviors that lead to acting out and are a part of your sexual ritual. It is important not only to be aware of middle circle behaviors, but also have a plan what you will do to maintain sobriety.
Discuss
What can you share from what you wrote above?
Inner Circle
Let’s start by asking a question. Do you look at Porn because of the acting? The plot? The lighting? No! What is the goal when we look at porn? The goal is to masturbate. Our final goal, the heart of the behavior we are here to face isn’t stopping to look at porn, it’s learning about why we masturbate and why we can’t stop. Porn is a tool (and there are many evil tools that we choose from) to get us to the final destination of self sex: masturbation.
From this point forward on the climb we are no longer going to use the word “masturbation”. We are going to replace it with “Going Inner Circle”.
It’s a safe way to describe the heart of the problem in a very real way. I’ve had many men tell me they don’t need help because they don’t look at Porn. I ask them if they masturbate and they say yes. I tell them, “that’s why people look at porn, to have self sex to help soothe or stimulate them. Our goal is to practically talk about what really is the issue, but also using a safe way to talk about it in public.
Inner Circle is the dark, bottomless red part part of the funnel. This is where acting out occurs, when we slip and “go inner circle” We don’t go Inner Circle by mistake, we go there to hide, to self soothe or to run from pain.
Inner Circle is why all of us are here.
Write
Write down the sexual behaviors that you want to stop. Inner circle behaviors are the compulsive sexual behaviors that brought you to this group.
Discuss
How does using the term “Inner Circle” for masturbating feel to you? What do you relate to? Why?
“I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.”
The Addictive Cycle
We Are Going to Learn How to Locate Yourself
This is one of the greatest tools in the toolbox: Learning to locate yourself on the addictive cycle. To break an addiction you need to first learn how to see it in your life and locate yourself when it’s happening. Only when you see it you can begin to ask questions and learn from your behaviors.
The Addictive Cycle has 4 parts to it:
Preoccupation
Ritual
Acting Out
Despair
First, Let’s look at how all four of these stages work together in what we are going to call “The Addictive Cycle.” As you are taught what the addictive cycle is try and picture your own life story and how you see your behaviors in each of these stages.
Preoccupation
Preoccupation the trance or mood wherein the mind and body begins to crave arousal. This mental and physical craving creates an obsessive search for stimulation.
Preoccupation could last days, hours or minutes. Maybe you walk around gathering images and creating fantasies over a period of a couple of days or even weeks… knowing that one day you will go Inner Circle using what you have stored up. Preoccupation might last a couple of hours as you start to think about going Inner Circle. Either way, this is the stage of our addiction where Evil screams the loudest, pulling us in, reminding us of how good it will feel and how much it will help your pain.
Preoccupation might be scrolling through social media looking for images that turn you on. It might be thinking about a time you went to a strip club. It might be thinking about a past girlfriend. It might be thinking of porn you saw and bringing it back to your active thoughts. Each of us is different. But we all share this stage.
It’s going to be really important on this journey to start noticing when you are in preoccupation because if you can catch yourself in Preoccupation, you can begin to stop going Inner Circle.
At this stage you are in the process of making a choice to go inner circle.
What does your Preoccupation look like?
How long do you think you find yourself in Preoccupation?
Ritual
Ritual is your own special routines, which lay the foundation for acting out. The ritual intensifies arousal & excitement distancing you from reality.
Everyone has a Ritual. In time, you will learn how to talk about your Ritual more and more. There are a couple of important things to know about Ritual:
For the most part, when you prepare to go inner circle, each of us has a pattern that we choose. This pattern helps to give us a false sense of comfort.
Ritual separates us from other people. When you hit this stage, we isolate ourselves and don’t want authentic human contact.
When you get to Ritual, you have already made your mind up: You are going to go Inner Circle. Now, apart from a miracle (like God can sending a tornado to stop you), you have already chose what you want to do. You have turned from God, followed the voice of Evil and are going where you can Act Out.
Your ritual is a “sacred space” for Evil. Evil won’t want you sharing it or opening up about it for fear of Jesus entering that space. Evil’s goal is simple: get you into Ritual.
Some examples of Ritual might be: Taking your phone and going to the bathroom. You know what is going to happen as soon as you grab your phone and lock the door. It could be taking a night time drive to get milk. No one is going to say anything and you might happen to drive by a strip club on the way. Your ritual might be a simple as taking off your clothes and getting into the shower. Everyone showers… but you know what is going to happen as soon as you get in.
At this stage you have already made the choice to go Inner Circle.
What does your Ritual look like?
Acting Out
This is the actual compulsive act, which is the end goal of the preoccupation & ritualization. Unless “preoccupation” is interrupted you will be unable to control or stop this behavior.
This is when we listen to Evil to self soothe or self stimulate and participate in “self sex”. This is where Evil leads us with a false promise of relief from pain.
This is Inner Circle.
Where and when does your Inner Circle happen the most?
Despair
Despair is the feeling of utter shame, powerlessness and hopelessness that resonates with your core sense of shame, which in turn sets you up for the next cycle.
Evil delivers us two punches:
Punch 1: The temptation in Preoccupation to go Inner Circle. Evil offers us a false sense of Hope with the promise of feeling better.
Punch 2: After we failed, are alone, having looked at something horrible, cursed God and ourselves Evil whispers to us: LOOK AT YOU. YOU ARE A LOOSER. GOD COULD NEVER LOVE YOU. NO ONE COULD EVER LOVE YOU.
Evil pulls us Inner Circle for the goal of getting us to drown in Despair. Here is where we believe Evil’s lies: You are worthless. You can never be loved. You will never be able to stop doing this. No one respects you. You can’t handle pain. You are a pathetic looser.
Do you know why this stage is so important to Evil? Because, if you don’t address Despair, you will listen to Evil’s lies and believed them. And once you believed them, you will want to hide and escape into the fantasy all over again.
So, we go back to Preoccupation, because the pain is too much.
At this stage you are in the process of setting yourself up to go back into Preoccupation.
What does your Despair look like?
What does Evil whisper to you after you go Inner Circle?
Discuss
What parts of the Addictive Cycle do you relate to the most? Can you name all four stages without looking?
“Lord, you know how I long for my health once more. You hear my every sigh.”
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
N.N.A.I.A.
It’s Time to Learn How to
Notice It, Name It, Accept It, Investigate It, Address It.
We just learned about the Addictive Cycle. What’s powerful about the Addictive Cycle is that we can learn how to actually physically pinpoint where we are and how we are doing. Today’s Tool: N.N.A.I.A. teaches us how to slow down and see where we are in the addictive cycle. Only when we allow ourselves to slow down and patiently think can we invite others to help us on this journey.
Notice It.
This first step is a powerful one. You can’t change unless you begin to NOTICE what stage of the Addictive Cycle you are at. The first step is simply seeing that something is “off” and that your head and heart isn’t where it should be. The first step of changing is seeing that you are in a place that needs help. It’s as simple as the name: just noticing that something is off in our hearts.
In this stage we might say something like:
This is that feeling I discussed with the guys. I’m starting to do my routine and I can feel that I’m not in a good place. This is the start of the addictive cycle. I can feel that I’m starting to wander.
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
This is start the process of going before God with something that is hard for us. We can feel evil starting to speak to us and Jesus is here with us right from the start of this journey. When you Notice It, God rejoices. This is where change starts.
And here I am, your invited guest—
it’s incredible!
I enter your house; here I am,
prostrate in your inner sanctum,
Waiting for directions
to get me safely through enemy lines.
Psalm 5: 7-8
Name It.
After we notice it, we slow down even more and name where we are. Where are you in the addictive cycle? What is the name that we gave it? Just giving where you are a name helps to slow you down even further and locate yourself. Once you give a name to where you are at, you can start taking the next step. But you have to name it first.
In this stage we might say something like:
This is called Preoccupation. I know where this is in the additive cycle. I can see what I’m doing and where it’s going. I know that Ritual is next and that is where this is headed, and once I get into Ritual, I’ll be too far gone.
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
Naming where you are is scary. It means we are broken and we need help. Once we name it, we are one step closer to getting real help. But we can’t get help if we don’t let others know where we are. It’s like calling someone and telling them you ran out of gas and need to get picked up. But most don’t want to share where we are because we are embarrassed or ashamed of ourselves. You can’t get picked up unless you tell your other climbers where you are. Naming it is a powerful step where we humble ourselves to where exactly we are on the addictive cycle and that we need help. But do not fear. God is with you. God knows your broken heart. God knows your broken brain, damaged by self centered sex, pornography and inner circle. God is with you and wants to help you. When you name it, God rejoices.
God is a safe place to hide,
ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in sea-storm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
Psalm 46: 1-3
Accept It.
We all joined this climb because we have a common struggle. We all joined this climb because we want to see this struggle gone from our lives. We want to see Christ, know Him and become like Him. And Inner Circle can’t happen anymore as mature followers of Jesus. The next step is to Accept that this is where you are at. This is a hard one. For most of us, the hardest. We want to pretend we are doing better than we actually are. Or we want to ignore it and hope that if we close our eyes it will go away. But change doesn’t happen unless we fully surrender to Jesus. Here we need to Accept the fact that this is a struggle for us, and that unaddressed, it will continue to destroy our lives and those we love. We need to slow down even more and Accept that where we are is where we are. And that we need help where we are. No more pretending.
Accepting isn’t approval. No way. Accepting that this is where you are is the start of being honest with yourself and your need for lasting change through Jesus.
In this stage we might say something like:
I wish I was stronger than this. I wish I was past this. I wish this was easy for me. But I’m not stronger. I’m not past this. This isn’t easy for me. I accept that this is a journey that I’m on and simply SEEING that I’m here in the addictive cycle is a win against evil. I feel pain. I want pleasure. This is my story and God is with me in it.
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
Accepting that this is a struggle for us puts us in an even greater place of vulnerability. What will the others say? Are they as messed up as me? Will I ever change? Will I make it through the night? How do I face this pain? Here is where Jesus whispers to us through the book of Joshua: “DO NOT BE AFRAID. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED….”
Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.”
Joshua 10:25
Investigate It.
Learning how to ask questions is going to be one of the most important tools on this climb. We all want to jump into some sort of action to stop ourselves, but before we do something practical, we have to know what we are up against. And we can ONLY do that by slowing down one more time and asking questions.
God created you for a purpose, to change the world through you, in a way only YOU can do.
But Evil has had a plan to destroy God’s work in you.
Evil is after you and wants to offer you an apple just like it did for Adam and Eve. Something other than God’s plan, purpose and promise.
We need to slow down, look Evil in the eye and ask questions:
Why are you here?
Why now?
What are you trying to offer me?
In this stage we might say something like:
Now that I see that Evil is here, I need to invite it out into the open, unafraid. I need to ask it some questions, “Why, Evil, are you here? Why now? Why today? What is going on that you would think this is a good time for me to feel relief?
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
Never forget, that at our worst moments, God slows down and asks us questions. He did this for Adam and Eve in the Garden, “where are you?” He did this with Hagar, sent to die in the middle of the desert. Jesus doesn’t hide from Evil, He turns toward it and asks the questions. And Jesus knows this is so hard for us. So, here He is, King of Kings, right next to you in your darkest moment, giving you the courage to look Evil in the eye and ask questions.
”And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered.“
Genesis 16:8
Address It.
Finally, after we Notice It, Name It, Accept It, Investigate It we are ready to Address It. This is where you turn to your climbers and ask for help. You reach out to them for prayer, support and help. In time, as you all get to know each other better, we will all become familiar with our Preoccupation, Ritual and Shame and learn how to help each other Address It.
In this stage we might say something like:
I need to call my climbers. Send that text. I need to take this head on. The moment I send that text, I am closing the door to acting out. This is so good for me. Even though this is painful, God is in the process of rewiring my brain... to be renewed into a new man of God, God’s adopted Son!
Here is a verse that I use to help me relax in this stage:
By Addressing It, we will start to change. Our habits will change. Our hearts will change. The way we face pain will change. We will physically feel withdraw and God “renewing our minds.” This is where the battle starts against evil.
”Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:2
Remember N.N.A.I.A:
Notice It. Name It. Accept It. Investigate It. Address It.
It’s Time To Start Sending LifeLines
17,750 ft
Starting LifeLines
It’s time to move on from accountability.
The Church doesn’t really know what to do with people who struggle with unwanted sexual behaviors. At it’s best, the only two tools The Church has talked about are 1) blocking porn on your computers/devices and 2) accountability. But what we see all around us are millions of men trapped by going inner circle and can’t seem to escape evil’s grip on their private life.
Let’s talk about accountability for a moment.
In a standard accountability group, a couple of men who struggle with something like porn agree to be accountable to each other, sometimes they are lucky enough to have a leader. But in time, that accountability breaks down. We have all been there.
Q: How have you seen accountability break down?
Q: Why do you think accountability has a hard time helping people experience lasting change?
Q: What is good about accountability?
Accountability
Accountability, while built on great biblical principles is broken in many ways. This is the idea where two or more people make themselves “accountable” to tell someone when they have gone inner circle. The idea is through that accountability questions can be asked and healing can begin.
Some problems with accountability:
It creates an environment where the person with the issue is constantly faced with lying or telling the truth. Many times we choose to lie or minimize the truth when we share. In the very moment of “Well John, it’s your turn, did you go inner circle this week?” In this situation, all of us struggle to tell the truth or if we do, minimize it. Evil whispers to us, “you are the only one that goes inner circle this much in this horrible way. You shared last week, just let this week slide.”
If too much time passes between going inner circle and the moment of accountability, it’s easy to forget the details of why you went inner circle. When we forget details and story, we begin to loose insight into “why”. We all need to help each other become better at asking Evil questions. And we can’t do this without learning about each other’s addictive cycles.
Shame is one of the biggest enemies of curiosity and change. Standard accountability can increase your fight against shame and lead to going inner circle more often. This leads to increased Despair, which, as we know from the Addictive Cycle, sets us up for Preoccupation at the start of the Addictive Cycle.
LifeLines
LifeLines are meant to meet you where are are, in real time, in the Cycle of Addiction. When you are in the Cycle of Addiction - this is the “Address It” in N.N.A.I.A.
We are going to learn how to text each other IN THE VERY MOMENT of our struggle. We are all going to become better listeners to each other and most of all, learning how to invite Jesus into that moment.
Jesus is already there in your pain. We just ignore Him. LifeLines are turning to your fellow climbers on this hard journey of life and saying, “I’m having a hard day and I need help.”
This is where we will all learn how to help each other climb and point each other to Jesus.
How LifeLines Work:
Learning to Locate Yourself In Real Time
Right in the middle of your struggle of N.N.A.I.A. you ask for help. We invite your climbers into your pain with Jesus and invite the Gospel into your life. You don’t wait for a “check-in” where you are tempted to lie, you ask for help in the very moment of struggle and pain.Learning to Ask for Help In Real Time
The purpose is to stop in the Cycle of Addiction and to reach out for help in real time. To give the Holy Spirit, your fellow climbers and your Sherpa space to help you be curious about why Evil feels more comfortable than the Light.Learning to Ask Questions to Evil, with Jesus by your side, In Real Time
To give yourself space to ask questions and face evil in real time. To get help in real time. Curiosity is one of the hardest parts of this journey. But learning how to ask questions will teach you about yourself, Evil and Jesus.Learning How to Pray In Real Time
After we ask questions, we learn now to slow down and pray, slowly inviting lasting change into our lives.
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted[d] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
Are you ready to start sending LifeLines?
Discuss:
What makes you nervous about LifeLines?
What makes you excited about LifeLines?
Is there anything that confuses you about LifeLines that we can help clear up?
Are you ready to start sending LifeLines?
Sending Our First LifeLines
To Break the Addictive Cycle, We Need To Understand Evil’s Lies.
Evil traps us with two lies:
The first lie he tells us that going inner circle isn’t a big deal and that God will forgive us anyway. He confuses us in Preoccupation and in that confusion we don’t listen to Jesus, we follow the voice of Evil and go inner circle. We will face this later on in the Climb.
The second lie is way more powerful. Evil attacks our very identity. After we go inner circle, a quiet or loud voice says to us, “Look at you. You are worthless. You can never change. No one can know the real depth of how horrible you are. Go to church, but just realize, you will never “be Holy as God is Holy.” You fall short to God and everyone you love.
Sending Your First LifeLine: Stopping Despair
Your first LifeLines are going to be sent RIGHT AFTER you choose to go Inner Circle. We are going to N.N.A.I.A. right after we Act Out and go Inner Circle. As soon as we Act Out, the voice of Evil is quick and clear: You are worthless and God is ashamed of you.
We are going to learn how to invite Jesus and your other climbers into your life to stop Despair.
Here is how this is going to work:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER ACTING OUT, send a LifeLine to your climbers and confess. This needs to be quick, quick enough to cut off the voice of Evil. With your pants around your ankles, we are going to reach out to each other and Jesus. We are going to experience forgiveness together.
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we went inner circle.
What was evil telling/offering you? Did it work?
What do you feel evil wants to tell you now you went Inner Circle?
TURN to Jesus and His love for you. We are going to remind each other:
You are far worse than you ever knew
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. - Colossians 3: 5-6You are far more loved than you ever imagined
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Galatians 2:20
PRAY with your climbers and Jesus, in a full written out text/prayer repenting of what you just did, acknowledging Jesus’ forgiveness for you and embracing His love for you. Most people find texting prayers really uncomfortable. Why do we text our prayers? There are a couple of reasons.
We all need to know that you actually prayed. Most of us say we pray and we really don’t.
We want to see what each other prays. Are you praying in a way that repents and builds your identity in Jesus? Or are your prayers groveling and lack grace? Do your prayers include grace and ignore the truth of what just happened?
We all want to pray with you!
“And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
In Summary After You Go Inner Circle to Stop Despair:
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we went inner circle. What was evil telling/offering you? Did it work? What do you feel evil wants to tell you now you went Inner Circle?
TURN to Jesus and His love for you. We are going to remind each other: You are far worse than you ever knew, and you are far more loved than you ever imagined through Jesus Christ.
PRAY with your climbers and Jesus, in a full written out text/prayer repenting of what you just did, acknowledging Jesus’ forgiveness for you and embracing His love for you.
Discuss:
What part of this first LifeLine is going to be hard for you?
Do you feel you understand why we want to turn, face evil and ask questions?
Are you ready to face Jesus in that moment and His unending love for you?
Are you ready to text out a prayer or repentance and acceptance of Jesus’ love for you??
Why is it so Hard to Reach Out For Help After Acting Out?
What happens to us automatically after we act out?
In order to stop Despair, we need to understand what is happening to us.
The feeling of Shame is something we are all so familiar with, that like an unwelcome roommate, we have learned how to live with it. It’s time for us to slow down and notice the feeling of Shame in our lives, how Evil uses it and how Jesus wants to it to call us to Himself.
The first current that keeps the Addictive Cycle going round and round is the formula: Shame -> Contempt -> Punish.
First We Feel Shame
Shame is a complicated word, but a word that we all know well. We have been shamed by our actions, we have been shamed by others and Evil tries to shame us all the time.
The first time the word “Shame” appears in the Bible is in Genesis 2, at the very end. Genesis 1 and 2 are both beautiful concerts and our only glimpse of how God intended the world to be. God ends both of these chapters with one beautiful sentence: “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
No Shame.
God tells us what wasn’t in the garden: Shame.
Shame only comes in Genesis 3, when sin comes into our world and breaks everything. Adam’s response to God looking for him after he ate the apple was, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” Adam heard God, felt shame because he was naked and hid from God.
Shame is what we feel when something wrong has happened. Something wrong that we did. Something wrong that was done to us. Shame is so quick to move into our hearts that it’s hard to slow down and see it.
Shame is like being caught naked in the Walmart parking lot: you are totally exposed, horrified and want to do anything to make the feeling go away.
Discuss:
Do you recognize shame in your life? How?
What do you normally do when you feel shame?
Shame Leads us to Contempt
Contempt is what comes immediately after Shame.
Question: If you were naked in the Walmart parking lot (feeling shame) what is the first thing you would do to protect yourself?
Answer: We we run for cover! We would find the closest fastest object near us to hide behind: a bush, another car . . . anything to cover us!
Contempt is just like that. After we feel shame, contempt is the closest thing to help us cover our shame. We can rage against ourselves (why am I so stupid?) or we can rage against someone else (I wouldn’t have done this if she didn’t make me!). Instead of facing our reason for Shame, we use Contempt as a way to quickly cover ourselves.
Discuss:
Do you recognize contempt in your life after you feel shame? How?
What does contempt look like in your life after you feel shame?
Contempt Leads us to Punish
After we feel shame, we run to contempt and contempt isn’t satisfied until someone is punished. If your contempt was against yourself, then you punish yourself. If your contempt was against someone else, well, then they are punished.
Maybe you punish yourself by forcing yourself to read the Bible. Maybe you punish yourself by shutting down and shutting out others. For me, I punished myself by pulling away from others and backing off of Church. Why would the church want an ugly sinner like me?
Maybe you punish others for doing this to you. Maybe you feel you went inner circle because your friends ignored you, so you punish them by cutting them off. Maybe you feel ignored by your wife, so you shun her.
When shame is unaddressed, it leads to contempt, and contempt makes us punish ourselves or someone else. This is how we try and heal ourselves after we go inner circle.
Discuss:
Do you recognize how you punish yourself or others?
What does self or other punishing look like in your life?
We don’t confess because we are stuck on the Shame and Honor Path
Inner Circle pulls us into Shame
Life is constantly pulling us down, away from pleasure and into pain. Being single and longing for a companion. Being married and feeling ignored by your spouse. Being at work and overlooked. Working hard at school and falling behind. We all want to feel good . . . but life it seems is built to bring us down.
We want others to see us with honor, so we fight our way back up
Each of us, when we feel pain, search for ways to pull us into pleasure and away from pain. After a long week, we love a Friday Night party or a weekend get-a-way. After a stressful day, we want a big meal. All of us look to get away from pain and move to pleasure. Inner Circle helps us to get away from pain and run towards pleasure.
Discuss:
How do you see Inner Circle in your life as response to pain? What stories can you think of?
Do do you see Inner Circle in your life as a way to run towards pleasure? Why?
What are some lies you tell yourself on the Shame and Honor Path?
Each of us listen’s to the pull of Evil when we feel shame. Evil convinces us that the fastest way out of shame is to follow the honor path towards not confessing after we mess up. What lies have you told yourself when you are running from shame and towards honor?
“If I confess, they will know how bad this is for me. They will see that I’m not changing.”
“It’s been six months since I’ve gone inner circle. I can’t believe I fell. This week was so hard... I’m leading this group. There is no way I can confess that I went inner circle. I know what to do. It won’t happen again.”
“I already confessed 2 times this week. If I confess again they won’t think I’m even trying. I already confessed so I think this one can just slide...”
“I can’t tell my climbers. I just can’t. They struggle to respect me now. If I confess, it will only make me feel even worse with them.”
“This just happened once. It won’t happen again. I can keep this one quiet.”
Discuss:
Do you relate to any of these lies?
What lies have you told yourself when you are running from shame and towards honor?
Noticing Shame, Contempt and Punishment in our Lives
The Role of Shame As We Fight Going Inner Circle
Shame first appears in the Bible in Genesis Chapter 2, the last verse before the fall of the world in Chapter 3. Adam and Eve are living in the Created World in all of it’s glory with no sin. This is how the Bible describes them in verse 25: “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
No shame.
God goes out of His way to tell us what wasn’t in the world as he wanted it: shame. A world without regret. Without pain. Without distance. Shame is something that didn’t exist in the garden of eden.
The Bible also uses sexuality to help us understand the lack of shame: “Adam and his wife were both naked” - they were naked, fully exposed with nothing to hide. Two people completely comfortable being seen fully as they are.
Then in chapter 3, vs 7 shame enters: “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.”
Shame is now a part of the human condition. As a result of sin, shame is now a tool for us to see that something is wrong, something is not as God intended it to be.
Shame is like a smoke alarm: it goes off to tell us there is a fire that needs to be investigated.
What Broke in Genesis Chapter 3?
When shame comes Adam and Eve experience a ripple effect, like throwing a rock into a pond, shame and our separation from God spreads:
What Path Does Shame Automatically Take?
Genesis 3: 6-7
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
Genesis 3: 21-24
The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.
Meet the J-Curve
The Pattern of Jesus’ life is a J-Curve Shape
Paul Miller, in his book “The J-Curve” shows us a different way to live by looking at the life of Jesus. Jesus’ life was lived in the shape of a “J”.
Jesus, leaving heaven, became a baby in order to save us all from our sins. Jesus entered our world by stepping down. Instead of holding onto His Life, Jesus humbled himself showing us how to live by lowering himself.
How low did Jesus go when He submitted to the Father? Pretty low. Jesus was told by the Father to die for all of our sins. Jesus was preparing for this his whole life. Dying for our sins was the hardest thing that Jesus did. In Gethsemane Jesus begs God three times to not have to die for our sins. Carrying the sins of the world was overwhelming for Jesus, so much so that he sweat blood at the very thought of it. But God the Father told Him to go to the Cross for you and me. Jesus lowered himself deeper than anyone had ever gone and because he lowered himself to die, no one would ever have to go that low again.
On the other side of Jesus’ death is his resurrection. Death, in Christianity, isn’t a period, it’s a path. It’s a path that leads to a Resurrection. This Resurrection is a life that is GREATER than the one we had before. Jesus is given a new body, a new role as our Redeemer, Jesus conquered Satan and Death itself. Because of Jesus, every grave one day will open up for all who believe. Jesus, forever, changed all of history. He is the King of Kings.
The Pattern of the Christian Life is a J-Curve
When we slow down and think about following Jesus, we see this “J-Curve” pattern everywhere.
When we are baptized, we stand in the water before our pastor. We are lowered down into the water, and we are raised up a new man!
Many denominations express baptism differently, but the same pattern of life, death and resurrection are at the very core of every evangelical profession of faith. We go down into death, experience forgiveness and raise up a new forgiven man. This is the very story of the gospel.
We, as follower of Jesus, follow his lead into J-Curves
Being a Christian means for us to follow Jesus. We follow His life. His example. His words. He is our Savior, our King . . . He is everything.
And Jesus tells us, “Pick up your cross and follow me.” Wow. Jesus, very clearly, is telling us to join him in the J-Curve pattern of His life.
What does this mean for you in Climb29?
We face our addiction: We, with Jesus and our fellow Climbers by our side, face our addiction in the face. We look to Christ and say, “I don’t want to live like this. I’m ready for it to die. And this means, a part of me will have to die.
We follow Jesus, by taking steps down to die to our addiction: We, with Jesus and our fellow Climbers by our side, take steps down, down, down into the death of our old self in order for Jesus to raise in us a new man. We go into this journey not hiding from death, but looking it straight in the eye and accepting the need for us to put to death a sin that lives deep within us.
On the other side, we live a Resurrection Life: We, with Jesus and our fellow Climbers by our side, reach the top of Mt. Everest where sexual sin no longer controls us, but where Jesus Christ controls us. We WILL become new men. We WILL live differently. We WILL be leaders in our churches. We WILL no longer hide in shame, but lead others in true freedom and Truth. We will be free.
The Easy Pattern of our hearts after Inner Circle Isn’t a J-Curve
Remember, after we go inner circle, does dying to ourselves and going into a J-Curve come naturally?
NO!
After Inner Circle, we feel Shame in in that Shame we RAGE against ourselves (I’m so stupid!) or others (this is my wife’s fault for hating sex!).
When we listen to Evil and go Inner Circle, we don’t confess because we want the other men in the group to see us with Honor.
We want life to pull us up into honor: Raises, praise, compliments, people who look up to us for advice, winning . . .
But Life pulls us down into Shame. People ignore us. We loose. People don’t see us. We aren’t valued. Our wives don’t see our needs.
We fight to climb into honor. Life pulls us down into shame.
And when we go inner circle, sending a LifeLine right after exposes our shame and shows everyone in the group why we shouldn’t be honored.
Jesus is inviting us into The Repentance J-Curve
“I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.”
Read this verse slowly and let it sink in: Knowing Christ, Knowing the power of change, participating with Christ, following Jesus into death and the beautiful mystery of the resurrection!
There is more in this single verse than any of us can unpack in a lifetime.
So let’s apply it.
After you go Inner Circle, it’s time to follow Jesus into the Repentance J-Curve: Evil has been allowed into your heart and this is how we confess and turn from Evil, turn towards Jesus and hear the words of Jesus Christ define us as His pride and joy.
When you inner circle, allow yourself to slow down and N.N.A.I.A. Each of the steps of N.N.A.I.A. will be a death. This is hard, but this is beautiful. This is you becoming like Jesus!
Send that text to your Climbers:
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we went inner circle. What was evil telling/offering you? Did it work? What do you feel evil wants to tell you now you went Inner Circle?
TURN to Jesus and His love for you. We are going to remind each other: You are far worse than you ever knew, and you are far more loved than you ever imagined through Jesus Christ.
PRAY with your climbers and Jesus, in a full written out text/prayer repenting of what you just did, acknowledging Jesus’ forgiveness for you and embracing His love for you.
Stand up as a forgiven man, confident in the Cross: Your sins are washed away. You are seen by God, loved by God and forgiven. We remind each other of PS 139: God made you, loves you and put you here in this space and time to do great things. Evil wants to destroy those things, but in Jesus’ Resurrection Power, Evil is crushed and you stand tall. You are a new man. You stand tall, forgiven, with your foot on the neck of evil.
How is “The Repentance J-Curve” Going?
“I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.”
How are you doing at sending LifeLine’s and following “The Repentance J-Curve?
After you go Inner Circle are you:
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we went inner circle. What was evil telling/offering you? Did it work? What do you feel evil wants to tell you now you went Inner Circle?
TURN to Jesus and His love for you. We are going to remind each other: You are far worse than you ever knew, and you are far more loved than you ever imagined through Jesus Christ.
PRAY with your climbers and Jesus, in a full written out text/prayer repenting of what you just did, acknowledging Jesus’ forgiveness for you and embracing His love for you.
Discuss:
Are you sending LifeLines EACH time after you act out?
If you are NOT sending LifeLines after each time acting out, why?
If you ARE sending Lifelines after each time acting out, what are you learning about yourself? What are you learning about how Jesus sees you?
What are you learning about Facing Evil and what Evil is trying to whisper to you? Have you seen any patterns?
How are you at Turning to Jesus and seeing His love for you?
How are you doing at Praying, through text, and asking for forgiveness? Is it natural? Awkward? Why?
Following Jesus Into “the Repentance J-Curve” Teaches Psalm 139 to us
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?”
When living out the Repentance J-Curve, this is us following Jesus into death because of something we have done. There is an evil inside of us that Jesus is calling us to die to. That death is called the Repentance J-Curve.
It’s a death of our dignity. It’s a death of our honor. People we send out LifeLines to will see how messed up we are and how much help we need. Most importantly, it’s a death of how we see ourselves. We spend so much time and energy in making people see us as “ok” or “Godly men” that really on the inside we are struggling deeply.
We spend so much energy on hiding that we forget that Jesus is right next to us all the time. He sees our whole story and wants to help us become Godly men, living full healthy lives.
Discuss
What does it feel like to know that after you go Inner Circle, that Jesus is right there, right next to you? Does that make the Repentance J-Curve easier or harder? Why?
What does it feel like that no matter where you go, what you look at or what you do, Jesus is next to you?
Do you feel that Jesus is pursuing you because He loves you, or because He’s ashamed of you? Why?
“If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.”
If you have a great day, we can feel the presence of God and not feel the need to go Inner Circle. But the days we are in the depths, those are the hard days.
It could be your family. Your friends. Your job. There are so many thorns in our lives that lead us into the depths.
The heavens are bright, fresh and freeing. I feel this way when I’m at the beach: the endless water, the sound of the waves, the smell of the salt water in my lungs. It’s easy for me to relax my mind when I’m looking at the ocean.
The depths are just the opposite. Dark. Cold. Directionless. When I can’t see anything, my mind goes into a state of confusion and I start to unravel. Evil loves to usher in confusion. We can’t think straight. We aren’t making good choices. We start to unravel and one bad choice leads to another.
The Hebrew word in this verse for “depths” is actually a word called “Sheol”. This word is a dark word, even used to describe Hell. It’s a place of hollow. It’s a place where the dead go. When we go Inner Circle, we go into Sheol.
This verse takes it deeper though. We didn’t just visit Sheol. What did we do? We made our bed there.
When I was looking at porn, I would fight against it. This is darkness for sure. But I would say to myself, “I did it once, I might as well enjoy it while I’m here.” And I would binge so much that my penis would bleed. I made my bed in Hell.
But Jesus is there. In Hell. With me. Because He loves me. Because He sees me. Because I’m His adopted son.
Discuss
What does it feel like when you go into Sheol?
What does it look like when you make your bed in Sheol?
What does it feel like to know that Jesus is there with you in Sheol? What do you feel Jesus is thinking? What does Jesus see when He looks at you?
“If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, ”
Rising on the “Wings of Dawn” is a beautiful image of waking up on “the right side of the bed.” When you rise on the wings of dawn, these are days you get out of bed, happy and ready to conquer the world.
When I was a kid, and even now, Christmas morning is easy to “rise on the wings of dawn.” Whether I’m getting a gift or giving a gift, I love the energy and festivity of Christmas. When I wake up the morning of a vacation, and I know I can be laid back, relax and have fun. This is waking up on the wings of dawn. I love going to the Jersey Shore for vacation. I could wake up at 5:30 for some coffee and feel rested and happy for the day of rest ahead of me… rising on the wings of dawn come easy on these days.
But there are days where I wake up lost, overwhelmed, lost in work, lost in so many tasks that have fallen behind, that I feel myself lost at sea the moment I wake up.
In the Bible, “the Sea” isn’t a place of joy and rest. It’s a symbol of chaos, loss and fear. Seas weren’t mapped and weather patterns weren’t known. People that went to the seas risked it all, and many times never came home. Seas are places of hardship, confusion and loss.
There are two words that describe how we all react in “sea” times.
The first word here is “settle”. Instead of waking up, sending a LifeLine and getting help, we all tend to go into Seas alone. And when we go alone, we can easily get lost, confusion sets in and we don’t know how to get out. So we settle down there and surrender to the sea.
The second phrase here is “far side” and describes a massive distance between us and a calm life. Instead of being close to God, like Jonah, we tend to get as far from Him as possible. We aren’t just settled in the sea, we are on the far side of it.
Hiding, Evil tells us, is where we will be safe.
Discuss
What makes you “rise on the wings of dawn”?
What Seas (places of hardship, loss and confusion) do you face in life?
How do you see yourself settle in the sea?
How do you see yourself run away to the far side?
How will The Repentance J-Curve help you here?
“Even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.”
One of the hardest things I had to learn on this journey is that God sees me, God loves me and that God will do anything to get me back home.
Jesus, fully God and fully human, comes to us. He is the one who pursues us.
Jesus finds us in Sheol.
Jesus finds us in The Seas.
He finds us because He loves us. Jesus loves YOU so much, he goes to Hell to get you. He went to Hell on the Cross to save you. But each time we go to Hell on our own, he follows us still. Again. And Again.
And He doesn’t just find us, He’s there with His hand out to guide us out. We have to want to take His hand, but He is there to hold us by the hand and get out of the darkness.
How do we get to the top of Mt Everest? How will lasting change really happen? It’s through Jesus!
His hand will guide you.
His hand will hold you fast.
He is doing it because He created you, loves you, and has a plan for your life.
Discuss
How does it feel that Jesus goes into Sheol and The Seas after us?
Are you comfortable with the thought that Jesus created you, loves you and has a plan for you?
Do you trust that Jesus will help you change?
“If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,””
When you feel seen, and you are ashamed, what do we all do? Jesus is there, in Sheol with you. He is in the seas with you.
But you are the one who went to Sheol, again.
You are the one who settled on the far side of the seas, again.
What do we all do when we see Jesus come after us? We hide. Just like Adam and Eve.
We want the covers over our shame, our naked bodies. We want darkness to cover us. Anyone with a light, we want to turn it off.
Discuss
Instead of sending LifeLines, how have you hid in the darkness?
How did hiding work out for you?
How have you turned from light (anything we have learned so far on this journey) and turned to darkness? How have you seen yourself hesitate to follow through with something? How have you seen yourself turning “the light off’?
“Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”
Here is the great part of these verses: “Even the darkness will not be dark to you.”
We all hide in the darkness when we feel confused and overwhelmed by our brokenness.
But with Jesus, even the dark isn’t dark. The darkness is a place where Jesus turns on the light, and we can finally start to see. We can see and ask questions:
Why am I here?
How did I allow myself to get here?
Why do I stay?
How can I leave?
If I leave, what will happen to me?
What has evil done to me?
Every single question we have, Jesus has a light. Where we have shame, He has a light.
The night will shine like day, for darkness is a light to you.
What once put you in prison, will be how God frees you.
One time a man who I was helping came to me with something to share. It needed to be at my house, in a closed room, with no one home and the sound machine on.
As he came in, his head was low. He started to share his story about transgender porn as the only way he could be turned on, and he wasn’t able to look me in the eye. He was so ashamed, he would have felt more comfortable with a paper bag over his head.
He came to me, because he was in a Climb29 group. He came to open up, because we talked about not hiding in the darkness, but with Jesus by our side, having the courage to turn on the light and ask questions.
That was the start of a two year journey where this man started to have the courage, commitment and curiosity to start asking questions where the light was allowed to be turned on. At first he was full of shame. But he began to see Jesus love him no matter what. Through time, we learned about his story of bullying, abuse and naming that distorted his self view and his sexuality.
Evil, through darkness, confused him so much. And Jesus, through the light, freed him.
He now openly shares his former porn of choice with other men, as a freed man, who lives in the light with Jesus.
Discuss
What does it feel like that our darkness isn’t dark to Jesus?
What steps do you think you need to take to allow Jesus into your darkness?
What kind of Climber are you?
At this point of the journey the task is simple, but hard: RIGHT after we go inner circle, before evil has time to bring in despair, we are learning to send a LifeLine. Each LifeLine, right after InnerCircle, we are challeged to do three things:
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we went inner circle. What was evil telling/offering you? Did it work? What do you feel evil wants to tell you now you went Inner Circle?
TURN to Jesus and His love for you. We are going to remind each other: You are far worse than you ever knew, and you are far more loved than you ever imagined through Jesus Christ.
PRAY with your climbers and Jesus, in a full written out text/prayer repenting of what you just did, acknowledging Jesus’ forgiveness for you and embracing His love for you.
But we don’t always do this do we? What is stopping us from something that sounds so simple as repenting and confessing to each InnerCircle?
The Fake Climber
The fake climber is the person who isn’t letting us see the real you, all the time. There might be moments of honesty, but you choose when to be honest or not. The fake climber says one thing, but in secret is doing another. Let’s pause here for a moment and think about what this is like. And let’s all be humble and admit: everyone on this journey struggles against being the fake climber. Each of us have hid in shame, afraid of change and being seen for so long, being fake is a lot easier than telling the truth and being seen.
What Would it be like climbing the real Mt Everest tied to this person?
Discuss:
What is it like climbing Mt. Everest (the real mountain) with someone who says they are experienced, but really, they aren’t?
What could happen as a result of that?
What is it like for the other climbers?
What is it like to be this climber?
What pressures does the fake climber face?
Is he able to become a good climber?
What is is like being in Climb29 tied to this person?
Discuss:
What is it like being in Climb29 with someone who says they are ok, but really, they aren’t?
What could happen as a result of that?
What is it like for the other climbers?
What is it like to be this climber?
What pressures does the fake climber face?
Is he able to become a good climber? Can change happen?
Consequences of being a Fake Climber:
My old neural pathways stay in use
My addiction to dopamine stays
My knee-jerk response run/hide from sin goes unchanged
My actual needs are never addressed but remain hidden
I am trapped in my own private prison
My Internal and external self remain in conflict
I experience despair and self contempt which set me up for the next addictive cycle
I will fail in the climb
“When faced with needed radical change we either change our actions to match our beliefs or we change our beliefs to match our actions so we can live with ourselves.”
The Broken Climber
The Broken Climber is someone who is afraid because they haven’t climbed before, but they aren’t hiding. They are telling the group the struggles they are having. They call out when they are nervous, afraid and hopeless. The broken climber is honest with the group at all costs, because he wants to learn and grow.
What Would it be like climbing the real Mt Everest tied to this person?
Discuss:
What is it like climbing Mt. Everest (the real mountain) with someone who says they are inexperienced and afraid?
What could happen as a result of that? How is the climb LESS dangerous because this person is honest?
What is it like for the other climbers?
What is it like to be this climber?
What pressures does the broken climber face?
Is he able to become a good climber? Why?
What is is like being in Climb29 tied to this person?
Discuss:
What is it like being in Climb29 with someone is honest and open?
What could happen as a result of that?
What is it like for the other climbers?
What is it like to be this climber?
What pressures does the fake climber face?
Is he able to become a good climber? Can change happen?
Rewards of being a Broken Climber:
My honesty allows my real needs and struggles to be investigated
New healthy neural pathways can be created
I can now be curious about what is really going on inside me
I have the ability to create space to investigate where I’m going
I can start the authentic journey of becoming like Jesus in all areas of my life
If I can face this, I can face anything
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
Jesus loves the Broken and calls out the Fake
“To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.””
Discuss:
What is a Pharisee? Why did Jesus use this kind of person as an example? How do you think others who were hearing Jesus thought about Pharisees?
Can the Pharisee change? Why not?
What is a Tax Collector? Why did Jesus use this kind of person as an example? How do you think others who were hearing Jesus thought about Tax Collectors?
Can the Tax Collector change? Why?
Who does Jesus exalt? Why?
Which one are you?
This week:
After InnerCircle, each time:
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we went inner circle. What was evil telling/offering you? Did it work? What do you feel evil wants to tell you now you went Inner Circle?
TURN to Jesus and His love for you. We are going to remind each other: You are far worse than you ever knew, and you are far more loved than you ever imagined through Jesus Christ.
PRAY with your climbers and Jesus, in a full written out text/prayer repenting of what you just did, acknowledging Jesus’ forgiveness for you and embracing His love for you.
Tim, Stop Here
It’s Time To Send LifeLines in Preoccupation
18,500 Ft
Sending LifeLines In Preoccupation
To Break the Addictive Cycle, We Need to Confront Evil’s Lies.
Remember, Evil traps us with two lies:
The first lie he tells us that going inner circle isn’t a big deal and that God will forgive us anyway. He confuses us in Preoccupation and in that confusion we don’t listen to Jesus, we follow the voice of Evil and go inner circle. We will face this later on in the Climb. This is the lie we are going to confront now.
The second lie attacks our very identity. After we go inner circle, a quiet or loud voice says to us, “Look at you. You are worthless. You can never change. No one can know the real depth of how horrible you are. Go to church, but just realize, you will never “be Holy as God is Holy.” You fall short to God and everyone you love.
Discuss
Why is sending a LifeLine in preoccupation so hard?
What are your feelings about doing this?
What is the reward in doing this?
Sending Your Preoccupation LifeLine: Stopping Ritual
Now our LifeLines are going to be sent DURING preoccupation and BEFORE ritual. We are going to N.N.A.I.A. before Ritual. When we are tempted to go Inner Circle, Evil is speaking to us, and we need to learn how to talk back with Evil and begin to listen to Jesus.
We are going to learn how to invite Jesus and your other climbers into your life to stop Ritual.
Here is how this is going to work:
As soon as you Notice It and Name It, send a text when you are in Preoccupation. This needs to be quick, quick enough to cut off the voice of Evil. Make sure you do this BEFORE you start to enter Ritual.
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we want to go inner circle.
What is evil telling/offering you?
Why is evil doing this now?
What do you feel evil wants to offer you if you choose to go inner circle?
TURN to Jesus for help point each other to Jesus and His love for us. We are going to remind each other:
Faith: God has made you unique in His Image. He is King over all the details of your story. He has taken care of you your whole life.
Hope: Because I can see God’s work in my life, I know that God loves me and will continue to care for me. Even though this situation I’m in now seems hard, I can have hope that Jesus is with me and will provide a way out.
Love: I don’t have to go inwards and think about myself. I am free, because Jesus has met me in my needs. I can stop looking at myself and look towards the needs of others.
PRAY immediately, through text, for help from Jesus. We need the Holy Spirit to help us do the impossible. There are times when you pray and you won’t feel it’s possible to say no to Evil and yes to Jesus. But it is. And we will grow.
We all need to know that you actually prayed. Most of us say we pray and we really don’t.
We want to see what each other prays. Are you praying in a way that repents and builds your identity in Jesus? Or are your prayers groveling and lack grace? Do your prayers include grace and ignore the truth of what just happened?
We all want to pray with you!
“See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end. ”
Homework: Text During Preoccupation and Before Ritual:
FACE Evil and ask questions about why we want to go inner circle. Why is Evil here? Why now? What is Evil saying?
TURN to Jesus for help point each other to Jesus and His love for us. We are going to remind each other: Faith (God has always cared for your needs); Hope (God will always care for your needs); Love (You are free to move to others and away from yourself)
PRAY immediately, through text, for help from Jesus. We need the Holy Spirit to help us do the impossible. There are times when you pray and you won’t feel it’s possible to say no to Evil and yes to Jesus. But it is. And we will grow.
Why is it so Hard to Reach Out For Help During Preoccupation?
In order to stop in Preoccupation, we need to understand what is happening to us.
Sometimes we go inner circle because we have created such a deep habit, we struggle to understand why we are doing it. Other times, Inner Circle has become such a place of comfort, like an old friend, that we don’t stop to consider what deeper issues are pushing us to Act Out.
The second current that keeps the Addictive Cycle going round and round the formula: Pain + Pleasure = Relief.
Pain.
Pain is a strong word, but appropriate here. We all have pain that is unaddressed, and because it’s unaddressed we are trying to heal wounds in really unhealthy ways. You might not be in physical pain, you might not even notice the pain, but none the less, it’s there.
Unnoticed Pain: India
One time I was in India for a month. I was with a team of Doctors to preform free surgeries for some of the poorest people in the world. We were driving through a city and I watched as people bathed and drank water in a river. Up stream from them I could see people using the bathroom in the same river those down stream from them were drinking and bathing in. We were under strict rules on this trip: ONLY drink bottled water, and when you drink the bottled water, make sure you can see the seal break so you know it’s pure. If we weren’t careful and drank local water we would get incredibly sick. When I saw these people in the river I asked the doctor next to me on the bus, “Why is it that we can’t drink their tap water, but yet here they are drinking from a polluted river? How are they ok?” The Doctor was quick to reply, “They aren’t ok. They are chronically sick. All the way from bad nutrition to bad water. They are so used to being sick, they don’t even know they are sick anymore. This is part of the reason we are here.”
Around 80% of India's water is severely polluted because people dump raw sewage, silt and garbage into the country's rivers and lakes. This has led to water being undrinkable and the population having to rely on illegal and expensive sources. Each year, more than 1.5 million Indian children die from diarrhea. - Borgen Magazine
We all carry pain
This is what our pain is like: sometimes it’s in front of us and we can’t look away, other times, we have lived with it for so long we don’t even notice it anymore.
There is pain that came into our lives, uninvited, to destroy God’s shalom in our lives. We have all experienced Evil trying to tear apart God’s beauty in our lives. We still experience this pain today. When we get to “Cave Sex” on our journey, we will spend a significant amount of time talking about our stories and how that effects us today.
We also experience pain in our day to day lives. As a way to help our selves heal, we learned to invite Evil into our lives, through the doorway of Inner Circle. We often don’t even feel the pain anymore. We are so used to the feelings like self hatred, loneliness, fear and abandonment that we don’t even feel them all the time. But if we slow down, with Jesus by our side, and drink the Living Water, free of Pain, we will start to heal, and in that healing find that we use Inner Circle to help solve our pain.
Discuss:
Is the pain in your life usually obvious to you, or dull and in the background where it’s hard to notice?
When we talk about pain in our lives, what comes to mind right away in your story?
Do you feel like the people in the river in India, who are sick and don’t even know it, when it comes to noticing your own pain?
Pleasure.
When we have a long day at work, we come home and want a big meal. Or when we are lonely, a long movie seems to help. Whenever we experience something that is hard and uncomfortable all of us have a natural instinct to run to something that gives us pleasure. None of us wants pain, all of us wants to feel good.
Our instinct, when we feel pain, is to run to pleasure as fast as we can. Pleasure for all people takes on different forms. But for those of us on this journey, when we feel pain, we run as fast as we can to Inner Circle for the goal of Pleasure.
The goal to get to pleasure, when we feel pain, has become so powerful that our minds begin to plan instantly as soon as we feel pain or know that pain is coming.
Discuss:
When we talk about running towards pleasure when we feel pain, what comes to mind right away in your story?
Is running to pleasure in your story obvious to you about why you go inner circle? Why?
Relief.
When pain enters our lives, we instantly want to run to pleasure, but what we are looking for is relief. Feeling relief is our goal. Relief from stress. Relief from loneliness. Relief from pain in our past. Relief from anxiety. Relief from a difficult situation.
Evil whispers to us: “You need Inner Circle to get to relief. It’s the only way. True relief can only come this way.”
We want the feeling of weightlessness, because life carries so much weight. We want to calm our nerves down. We want rest. And Evil has lied to us, convincing us that true rest is found through Inner Circle.
Discuss:
When we talk about relief in our lives, what comes to mind right away in your story?
Is the need for relief in your story obvious to you about why you go inner circle? Why?
We get stuck in Pain and Pleasure Path
Life Pulls us into Pain and away from Pleasure
Life is constantly pulling us down, away from pleasure and into pain. Being single and longing for a companion. Being married and feeling ignored by your spouse. Being at work and overlooked. Working hard at school and falling behind. We all want to feel good . . . but life it seems is built to bring us down.
We look for ways to towards Pleasure and away from pain.
Each of us, when we feel pain, search for ways to pull us into pleasure and away from pain. After a long week, we love a Friday Night party or a weekend get-a-way. After a stressful day, we want a big meal. All of us look to get away from pain and move to pleasure. Inner Circle helps us to get away from pain and run towards pleasure.
Discuss:
How do you see Inner Circle in your life as response to pain? What stories can you think of?
Do do you see Inner Circle in your life as a way to run towards pleasure? Why?
What are some lies you tell yourself on the Pain and Pleasure Path?
Each of us listen’s to the pull of Evil when we feel pain. Evil convinces us that the fastest way out of pain is to follow the pleasure path towards Inner Circle. What lies have you told yourself when you are running from pain and towards pleasure?
“There is no way for me to stop this. Today has been hard. I deserve this.”
“I like going inner circle. It makes me happy. I know it’s hurting me, but I don’t care.”
“I hate outing myself here. I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t go inner circle.”
“I don’t want to out myself in preoccupation. If I do, I will be encouraged to stop. I don’t want to stop.”
“I deserve it today because of what happened.”
“Today was so long and boring. I want excitement. I want to feel alive.”
Discuss:
Do you relate to any of these lies?
What lies have you told yourself when you are running from pain and towards pleasure?
When We Feel Pain In Life What Is Your Instinctive Way Of Protecting Yourself?
There are 4 ways we all automatically respond to trauma/pain
As a result of the fall and our own brokenness we have natural but unhealthy ways of protecting ourselves. These may have worked for a time in your life; you may have needed these tools in order to survive. But now as adults we need to retrain our minds to respond to conflict/pain in healthy ways.
Fight
When faced with pain/conflict, we take it on. Stand back because we are going to fight our way out to safety so we can feel in control again.
I’ve learned that if I want freedom from this pain, I need to fight my way out. I’m not weak. I will win.
Flight
When faced with pain/conflict, we run. I am afraid. Get out of my way, because I’m out of here. I don’t care what happens if I leave. I’m not safe.
I’ve learned that if you stick around, that is dangerous. The best way out is to leave as fast as you can.
Fawn
When faced with pain/conflict, we don’t make waves. I agree to make you stop. I agree because that is what keeps me safe. I agree because we can get this over with. Getting out of the way is useless, it’s easier if I don’t use my voice and let you have your way. You win. I’ll lose.
I’ve learned that just letting them have what they want eventually leads to them leaving. When it’s over, I’ll be safe again.
Freeze
When faced with pain/conflict we don’t move. I have no idea what to do, or what to say and all that’s in me stops moving. I’m afraid. I just have to take it. If I do something, trouble will come. Best just to not move or say anything at all. I can’t do anything to protect myself.
I’ve learned that if I do or say something things could get worse. I wish I could stand up for myself but I’m too afraid. I shut down not knowing what to do or say and freeze.
Discuss:
Which one(s) of these are you?
How do you feel after you Fight, Flight, Fawn or Freeze?
How did these help you when you were younger?
How are they hurting you now that you are older?
What do we automatically want to do when we feel pain?
Inner Circle does two things at the exact same time: Soothe and Stimulate. It’s one of the reasons why Inner Circle is so powerful and addictive. There are drugs that clam you down, and drugs that wake up your brain . . . But Inner Circle is a highly addictive chemical release that both SOOTHES and STIMULATES at the exact same time.
Unhealthy Self Soothing
When we feel pain and chaos and we want to feel relief, we look to Inner Circle to help us self sooth. The Dopamine Chemical released in our brains when we go inner circle helps reenforce the addictive reward: “You know how to calm down after a hard day . . . “. We want to calm down and evil tells us this is the best way to calm down. Evil tells us we will fall asleep faster, recover from a bad day faster . . .
Discuss:
Do you relate to going to Inner Circle as a way to Self Soothe?
What does unhealthy self soothing help solve?
What problems does unhealthy self soothing help create?
Learning Healthy Self Soothing
Learning how to self soothe in healthy ways is really important and each of us will be different. Spend some time thinking about: When you feel stress, pain and anxiety, what are ways that you can calm down and soothe? Go for a walk, read a book, pray, mediate, call a friend . . .
Whatever you choose, give yourself some time as you try new methods to calm yourself down, and be patient with yourself as you practice these things. In my story, eventually, this is where I learned how to pray. The morning for me is when I went Inner Circle. Each morning, in the shower, it’s how I started my day thinking about yesterday’s rejections and losses and the pain in the day ahead of me to a long commute and a stressful job. I self soothed in the mornings to “help” me get through the day. Unhealthy self-soothing never really helped and ended up adding to my pain.
In time, as I distanced myself from Inner Circle I began to pray and read the Psalms. Each morning, I have a new routine of praying, reading and being quiet. This pattern has helped me to calm down, give my stress to Jesus and mediate on my need to trust Him for my needs. I started writing down what I was praying and I started to see God’s work in my life. I was always stressed, but the things I was stressed about did change. God was stepping in my life and helping, I just wasn’t seeing it before. This gave me hope for new stresses that came my way that I couldn’t see past.
Starting my day calm changed the trajectory of my entire day.
Discuss:
What are some ways that you can self-soothe in a healthy way?
Are you willing to start trying these right away?
What time of day do you feel the need to self-soothe in a healthy way?
N.N.A.I.A. on Self Soothing.
I’ve learned through overwhelming anxiety and stress that one of the best ways to calm my mind down is to practice slow prayer with Jesus. This Psalm is so beautiful and slow that in moments of stress, the very cadence of this Psalm is deep breathing when we read it slowly, reflect and offer our pain and stress to Jesus, the Great Shepherd.
Pslam 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
Unhealthy Self Simulating
When life leaves us disappointed and alone, many times we can have lots of excitement and passion that we feel is ignored by God and others. A voice whispers deep inside of us: “I know how to feel excited . . .” and the Ritual starts. We go Inner Circle to feel something amazing.
Discuss:
Do you relate to going to Inner Circle as a way to Self Stimulate?
What does unhealthy self stimulating help solve?
What problems does unhealthy self stimulating help create?
Learning Healthy Self Stimulation
Learning how to self stimulate in healthy ways is also really important and each of us will be different. Spend some time thinking about: When you feel boredom, loneliness, lack of purpose, lost and forgotten, what are ways that you can self-stimulate in a healthy way? What could God be calling you to do?
Whatever you choose, give yourself some time as you try new methods to self-stimulate, and be patient with yourself as you practice these things. In my story, eventually, this is where I learned that I wanted to lead other men towards healing. There are so many nights I felt unseen, no purpose and forgotten by others. I began to see that many other men felt this way.
In time, as I distanced myself from Inner Circle I began to be more and more open with other men, sharing how God was changing my life. I found that I had a gift to help people learn and grow in the same way I learned and grew. I saw that God had given me so many amazing tools on the journey to healing that others needed. I found myself self-stimulating in healthy ways by seeing that God made me for a purpose and gave me the gift to lead men to sexual healing. Each man I helped on the journey, I found myself alive and full of joy.
Evil thought it owned me; but now Jesus did. And he called me to use my gifts to help others. I went from feeling “I am worthless” to feeling, “I have a gift to give that the world needs… and I’m good at it!”
This changed how I felt about my day. I have purpose and value.
Discuss:
What are some ways that you can self-stimulate in a healthy way?
Are you willing to start trying these right away?
What time of day do you feel the need to self-stimulate in a healthy way?
N.N.A.I.A. on Self Stimulation.
What do you feel Jesus might be calling you to do? Each of us, according to PS 139 was created by God for a purpose! So what could the purpose be that Evil is trying to destroy in your life? What could Jesus be calling you to do? Something that takes time, effort and hard work? We all were created by God to be simulated… our issue is that we have done it in unhealthy ways.
Psalm 139: 13-18
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Getting off the Pain & Pleasure Path: Entering the Suffering J-Curve
John Miller, Stop here
The Search
We’ve All Got Something Trapped Inside
An excerpt from “The Search” by NF
See we've all got somethin' that we've trapped inside
That we try to suffocate you know hoping it dies
Try to hold it under water
But it always survives
Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise
Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies
You don't relate to that, must not be as crazy I am
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
1 Peter 5: 8
My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.
John 17: 5
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1: 5
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.Matthew 6: 13
The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
2 Timothy 4: 18
Dopamine vs. Oxytocin
What has porn/masturbation done to your brain?
Pornography and masturbation has so distorted our hearts and minds that we have lost what sexual intimacy is or even could be.
One of the first steps is realizing that your mind, having been addicted to “self sex”, has been distorted. Realizing this is massive.
Your brain is craving anti-sexual behavior and it will take time for you to create new healthy neural pathways.
/ The point I'm makin is the mind is a powerful place / And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way /
- NF, The Search
I will restore you to health and heal your wounds ‘declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 30: 17