Cave Sex 3.2
How did I get In the cave?
20,250 ft
Playboy was my gateway into full-on pornography addiction. My dad had a Playboy left out at age five, and it’s affected almost every choice I made for the rest of my life, from age five to now, having to kick the habit.
Kanye West
At This Point In The Climb
By the end of 3.2 you should not be going Inner Circle more than 1x a month. On this part of the journey, you should be able to send LifeLines and start to slow how often you go Inner Circle.
Goal:
Inner Circle No More Than 1x A Month
Philippians 1: 9-12
And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
Engaging Your Story with Honor and Honesty
God gave us families to be the primary place where we experience safe, loving and connected relationships. What is one of the main ways we can see our family is healthy? There is a commitment to repair in times of conflict and be honest about their shortcomings.
Discuss:
Growing up, how did your family resolve conflict?
Was your family honest about their shortcomings, or was this hidden? Why?
It’s important to study the setting where your story was formed. What conditions was your identity formed? What was it like growing up in your house? When you did something wrong, what was the reaction? When you did something right, what was the reaction? What role did you play in your family? Jesus’ description of growth is one of like a fruit that ripens over time. Our becoming like Jesus is a process, not a destination. Looking back to see how your “fruit” was first planted and nurtured says a lot about you and your story today. All of us come from broken families. The stories from your childhood provide us with clues about how you came to choose a behavior you don’t want.
There are two aspects two engaging your story well:
Honor and Honesty.
Honor: Knowing and delighting in another human being may be the highest privilege we have on this earth. We are called to honor each other. Honor our Parents. Honor our stories.
Honesty: Recognizing that brokenness has impacted every dimension of our lives. Honoring doesn’t mean we can’t step back and be honest about shortcomings in our family and broken patterns that are with us still today.
As an example, Abraham is honored in scripture, but equally honest about his short comings. Multiple times Abraham does the right thing where few choose what was good: Where to live, following God even a willingness to sacrifice his own son. But Abraham was also a coward in many ways. Multiple times he gave his wife away, lied that she was his sister to protect himself because he was scared.
Honor and Honesty are two sides of the same coin.
The father (in the Heart of Man Film) doesn’t use anger or shame to change his son. It’s a beautiful picture. But this isn’t the story that we were all raised with when we made big mistakes or were scared.
Sherpa:
Shares stories of Honor and Honesty from ages 0-12
Discuss:
Think about when you were 0-12 years old. What are somethings that you love about your family and how you grew up? What are you proud of when you look back on your story.
Think about when you were 0-12 years old. What are somethings that you struggled with in your family? What were somethings that maybe weren’t healthy or safe?
What was your role in your family? What was the cost of your role?
Avoiding heartache sets us up to lean on unwanted behaviors for refuge or escape. Your family story is foundational to who you are today. Fully honest and fully honoring; You may think it feels dishonoring to your parents to acknowledge the painful parts of your story, but it’s actually dishonoring to yourself to deny them.
We protect our families so we don’t have to face the implications of their harm.
God is not looking for us to blame our parents for our own unresolved issues. But he is asking us to look where we felt like an orphan. Because God want us to know wholeness.
Homework
Unwanted Book Reading: Chapter 2
Story Writing: In the vain of Honor and Honesty, think of a time(s) from ages 0-12 when you were really proud of being in your family, and a time where you were really hurt, angry or alone. When you write your story/stories, type it out like it’s a movie and try to remember all the details you can. What happened? What did it feel like? What sticks out to you the most?
Think about when you were 0-12 years old. What are somethings that you love about your family and how you grew up? What are you proud of when you look back on your story.
Think about when you were 0-12 years old. What are somethings that you struggled with in your family? What were somethings that maybe weren’t healthy or safe?
What was your role in your family? What was the cost of your role?
Scripture Meditation:
Philippians 1: 9-12
And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
Shalom & Evil
God’s intention: Shalom
Shalom isn’t the absence of war or conflict (peace) it’s the experience of flourishing. When Jewish people great and leave each other with “Shalom” it doesn’t mean peace. Shalom is so much more beautiful than that. In Genesis 1 & 2, we see how God INTENDED the world to be like. We see a world where we walked with God. We knew ourselves and our purpose. We were naked. We were with other people. God even goes out of his way to describe what WASN’T in the garden: Shame. No shame! Everything was how God intended it to be. This is Shalom: The way God intended the world to be.
Cornelius Plantinga Jr describes Shalom as “the way things were meant to be.”
We all have moments of Shalom. For many of us, our Shalom involves our grandparents. My grandparents had a pool, and while we didn’t have any money growing up; Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop’s was a place where I was special, not the middle child of 6, but John Miller. I was loved, cared for and seen by them. When I was at their pool I was a millionaire with no worries. I knew I was safe, loved and had a place.
Sherpa:
Share story of Shalom ages 0-12
Discuss:
Think about when you were 0-12 years old. What is a place of Shalom for you? What stories come to mind?
Evil’s intention: Confusion
Since before you were born Evil has been after you to destroy God’s Shalom in your life. If you knew and believed that God loves you and designed you for a beautiful purpose, you have the power to change the world. Evil will stop at nothing to tear us apart at any cost. As soon as Adam and Eve settled in the Garden, who was waiting in the quiet? Evil. Evil was ready.
Confusion is the best way that Evil can work it’s way into our lives. Quietly whisper insecurity and slowly take apart your identity one thought at a time.
“There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence, the other is to believe, and to feel and excessive and unhealthy interest in them.” C.S. Lewis
We either think too much or too little of the role of evil in our lives. The truth for us, is somewhere in between. Evil plots against sexuality and gender. Evil schemes to intentionally bring ruin to some of the most sacred dimensions to who we are. Evil wants to destroy the glory of God, but it can’t. So it goes after the next best thing: Us. We are made in God’s image and evil wants to destroy it. Evil can’t create, but it can steal, kill and destroy God’s created goodness.
Evil knows if it messes with someone’s sexuality it will have a lifelong annuity. Homes can be rebuilt. Forests can be replanted. But when you mess with someone’s sexuality and gender you will set in motion a self-sustaining destruction that will last a lifetime. Evil knows the damage it does to our sexuality will receive the greatest return on its investment of anything else it works to destroy.
“In the midst of feeling trapped in the miry clay of my life, pornography lifted me out and brought me into a palace of sexual arousal. For a while it felt like the best thing I could hope for. But I also hated myself for what I was doing.”
Evil will make its most damaging invitations to us in times of personal vulnerability. I make the choice, yes. But someone else is making the offer. Jesus knows the road ahead is one of suffering. Evil tries to offer a way to escape the agony. While all of us in our temptation have chosen a path of escape, Jesus chose to withstand temptation and pursued the cross. Acknowledging evil never negates personal responsibility.
Evil knows we are far more likely to pursue shameful sexual behavior when we’re experiencing difficult emotions and problems in our core relationships. Evil knows we are most likely to be at war with our desire instead of pursing healing and beauty for our sexual stories. Evil is not without tremendous vulnerability.
The irony of all this unwanted sexual behavior is that it’s against sex. It’s not that we pursue too much sex; but that we pursue anti-sexual (Cave Sex) behavior. Sex is intended to be beautiful (Garden Sex); and we know in our hearts is we are pursing a knock-off version.
It’s not possible to be too sexual. But it is possible to be trapped in anti-sexual behavior. Your unwanted sexual behavior is actually a statement of how much you hate sex.
Sherpa:
Share story of When Evil Started to Destroy Shalom ages 0-12
Share story of Your First Introduction to Cave Sex ages 0-14
Discuss:
Think about when you were 0-14 years old. What was your first experience with sex, masturbation and porn? What happened, how did that define Cave Sex (anti-sex) for you?
Think about when you were 0-14 years old. What was a time where evil destroyed Shalom in your story? Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. This is your story, and each story is significant. What we are doing is shining a light on what Evil has been doing in your story to undo God’s Shalom.
It’s time to Move past Evil and restore Shalom
Why are we doing this? This is really hard work to walk away from going Inner Circle.
We all want Freedom FROM Inner Circle. This is one way of looking at unwanted sexual behavior where you measure how good (or not good) you are doing. We all want to move away from doing this.
But we all want Freedom FOR something greater in our lives. We climbing this mountain to go somewhere new and beautiful. This journey is really about looking at what are you doing this work FOR? If you were not bound by unwanted sexual behavior, what would you be free to accomplish with Jesus at your side, with Shame no longer a part of your story? Can you imagine the freedom in no longer being split between two people: Light and Dark; but one person on a journey to become what Jesus has called you to be?
Ask yourself, “Why do you want to be free?” You can shift your focus from fixing yourself to dreaming about your redemption. Freedom FOR disarms evil. In the act of creating, evil can’t participate. Addiction robs your sexual desire. Beauty plays your desire like a violin.
You and Evil are not equal forces. We have the upper hand.
Homework
Unwanted Book Reading: Chapter 1
Story Writing: Find a place to be quiet and not rushed. Please don’t save this work until the last minute. Give yourself time to reflect and think. , Think of a time(s) from ages 0-12 when you felt “Shalom” a sense of powerful beauty. When you look back and you can almost smell the beauty of the moment. When you write your story/stories, type it out like it’s a movie and try to remember all the details you can. What happened? What did it feel like? What sticks out to you the most?
Think about when you were 0-12 years old. What is a moment of Shalom you can share with the group? What do you feel? What makes it special looking back?
Think about when you were 0-14 and you were first introduced to sex, anti-sex, cave sex. What happened? Who showed you? What did they show you? How did you feel? What do you remember? How do you think that formed your story? How do you think Evil used that to lure you into “The Cave” you are in now?
Think about when you were 0-14 years old. What was a time where evil destroyed Shalom in your story? Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. This is your story, and each story is significant. What we are doing is shining a light on what Evil has been doing in your story to undo God’s Shalom. Most of the time, Evil introduces Cave Sex into our stories at the same time
Scripture Meditation:
Genesis 45: 4b-8a
Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.“So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God.
Naming Your Family Systems
My relationship to pornography was not random. It was a direct reflection of the parts of my childhood that remained unaddressed. Pornography highlighted the ways I tried to make life work in response to how I grew up. None of us are here to blame our childhood; yet in our childhood, we all experienced brokenness that helped to open the door for pornography and for it to feel as good as it does. We were created to feel safe and known, and any small amount of brokenness can open the door for us to find a counterfeit version of comfort.
The main question we are asking in the next two weeks is:
What was the family environment that you grew up in that helped set the stage for your addiction to pornography grow?
In this time together, let’s keep in mind we need to remember we are honoring our families BY being honest about how we were raised. No one, let me repeat, no one, was raised perfectly. We aren’t blaming our families, but we do need to take a step back and see the context that evil used to make porn and Inner Circle such a hard battle for us.
In this next section we will explore 3 different family systems that lead to us going into The Cave.
Escape into the Cave - A Rigid Family
A rigid home has excessive rules and regulations. Here, a parent rules the family with an iron fist, but they are not complaint to anyone.
Rigid family systems see everything as a black or white issue. Even in a complex choice; rigid families make dogmatic decisions that benefit those in authority.
Healthy families are like barriers around the Grand Canyon. The point is to keep you from dying, but expand the possibility of play. But imagine a 12 foot wall around the Grand Canyon. It would keep you safe; but also stop you from exploring and playing. Rigid family systems don’t experience much play or fun. Family is order. When order is broken there is conflict.
You either comply (golden child) or depart (black sheep)
Men who grew up with strict fathers are more likely to develop fantasies of power over women.
If we were powered over; we tend to see to have power.
Rigidity leads to anger because you are constantly exposed to the misuse of power or hypocrisy of those who have authority.
When you are exiled (black sheep) or powerless (the golden child) be on high alert for anger. If you don’t know what to do with this anger it’s going to be like a tropical storm entering the warm waters of the Caribbean. A hurricane is going to ensure. You are going to destroy something very important to you.
Pornography appeals to so many of us because it gives us an arena to reclaim power. On the Internet you can have whatever you want.
Sherpa:
Share story of a Strict Family ages 5-17
Discuss, thinking about when you were 0-17 years old:
Were your parents strict? If so, how?
Did you see this with your dad? If so, how?
Did you see this with your mom? If so, how?
How did this make you feel? When you look back, how does it make you feel now?
Escape into the Cave - A Disengaged Family
Disengaged what happens when a parent chooses to withdraw physically or emotionally from their children’s lives.
If you grew up in a disengaged home, you have a profound sense that you are not prepared for the world.
Children from disengaged homes find that life is found outside of the family.
The connection you do feel with your family often comes through performance. If you are making good grades, taking your vitamins, there is a connection. But when a real emotion comes you are left alone.
When you faced a difficult struggle did your parents care?
Children who desired more involvement from their mothers and fathers were more likely to have adults touch them inappropriately.
Disengagement sets the stage for harm.
As we developed, the normal sexual desires we felt growing up got corrupted. We allow our desire for sex to become the ultimate counterfeit for real affection. Instead of pursing the holistic experience of love that includes emotional, spiritual and physical union we seek out people for the sex they can offer us.
However, when this happens, the pain of not being loved is fused with a lust for sex. The longer that hunger goes unmet, the more entitled and desperate we feel to meet it.
Your anger born out of a rigid family or disengaged family must go somewhere.
I want you to be REALLY curious about your anger and lust.
Your lust is revealing a deeper desire for belonging. And your anger is revealing your radar for injustice.
When you study these, they will guide you out of these toxic seas.
Sherpa:
Share story of a Disengaged Family ages 5-17
Discuss, thinking about when you were 0-17 years old:
Were your parents disengaged? If so, how?
Did you see this with your dad? If so, how?
Did you see this with your mom? If so, how?
How did this make you feel? When you look back, how does it make you feel now?
Homework
Unwanted Book Reading: Chapter 3 & 4
Story Writing: Find a place to be quiet and not rushed. Please don’t save this work until the last minute. Give yourself time to reflect and think. When you write your story/stories, type it out like it’s a movie and try to remember all the details you can. What happened? What did it feel like? What sticks out to you the most?
A Rigid Family
Think about when you were 5-17 years old. Were your parents strict? If so, how? What single story comes to mind when you think about your parents being stick? Write the story. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. This is your story, and each story is significant. What we are doing is shining a light on the kind of family environments that we grew up in and how we responded.
Did you see this with your dad? If so, how?
Did you see this with your mom? If so, how?
How did this make you feel? When you look back, how does it make you feel now?
A Disengaged Family
Think about when you were 5-17 years old. Were your parents disengaged? If so, how? What single story comes to mind when you think about your parents being disengaged? Write the story. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. This is your story, and each story is significant. What we are doing is shining a light on the kind of family environments that we grew up in and how we responded.
Did you see this with your dad? If so, how?
Did you see this with your mom? If so, how?
How did this make you feel? When you look back, how does it make you feel now?
How did you respond?
If you were the black sheep (you choose to depart from the family), explain how. Share a story of 5-17 where you were the black sheep in the family.
If you were the golden child (you choose to comply for the family), explain how. Share a story of 5-17 where you were the golden child in the family.
Scripture Meditation:
Ephesians 6:4
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."Colossians 3:13
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."1 Peter 4: 8-11
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling."
Escape into the Cave - Triangulation
When relationships become too close in an unhealthy way. This is called Triangulation or emotional enmeshment.
Triangulation occurs when here is a breakdown in a marriage and a child learns to play a role that overcompensates for that breakdown.
When a father spends time treating his daughter like a princess, but ignoring his wife. Or a mom confides in her son because her husband is distant.
A child is used as a source of comfort for his mother or father. A child then believes that it is their purpose to meet their parent’s needs.
This has subtle, yet invasive effects on your ability to develop healthy relationships in the future.
Your ability to make choices about autonomy, your own well-being, and set boundaries, are all negatively impacted.
“Porn is way easier, I can get pleasure with no requirements.” Alex’s mom was invasive in his life and was deeply enmeshed in his life. She needed all the details as if she was watching her favorite TV show: ME
Alex didn’t know what was worse: to be removed from his mom and feel guilt or be close to his mom and feel trapped.
But this affected Alex. In relationships, the moment they began to lean on him for emotional support, he ended the relationship. Pornography was much more appealing.
It’s natural as we mature and grow to move outside of the family. But the enmeshed parent, sensing your desire for autonomy, puts you in an emotional headlock.
When you are triangulated you keep your parents affections as long as you continue to play the role of confidant or emotional surrogate. But secretly you want freedom. When you hide this, the stage is set for unwanted sexual behavior.
The triangulated son feels like they need to keep tabs on their mother’s well being. The triangulated son knows how flawed his father is. So he works hard to fill the void.
Triangulation will continue without an honest conversation. When Triangulation is not addressed prior to marriage, it can become a version of an emotional affair for many newlyweds.
The bind is that you are going to have to disappoint someone. If you don’t address this, there will be tension in your marriage. If you do address this, it will be hard to face with you parent.
The goal is to learn how to be increasingly honest and honoring of your parent, and be clear about where your loyalty resides.
It will never be a good time to break up with your parent. Now is the best time.
Even when this is over, you need to step back and look at the debris. Many men are afraid to give a deep and passionate connection to their wives because they are afraid of being trapped all over again.
If any of these examples resonate with you be on alert that you are probably using your past enmeshment to avoid the difficult work of maturing in relationships. Just because you broke up with your parent, doesn’t mean that you are free from the effects of Triangulation.
Rigidity, Disengagement and Triangulation each set the stage early in our lives for unwanted sexual behavior.
Escape into the Cave - Unmentionable
Homework
Unwanted Book Reading: Chapter 5
Story Writing: Find a place to be quiet and not rushed. Please don’t save this work until the last minute. Give yourself time to reflect and think. When you write your story/stories, type it out like it’s a movie and try to remember all the details you can. What happened? What did it feel like? What sticks out to you the most?
Triangulation
Think about when you were 5-17 years old. Write a scene you remember where one or both of your parents confiding in you, asking you to be their confidant or source of comfort, or other unhealthy enmeshing behaviors. Write the story. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. This is your story, and each story is significant. What we are doing is shining a light on the kind of family environments that we grew up in and how we responded.
To what degree does the triangulation continue today?
In what ways do you see this effecting your intimate relationships with others?
Scripture Meditation:
Genesis 2: 24
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."Colossians 3:21
"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."Matthew 17: 5
"He was still speaking when, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him."
Escape into the Cave - Sexual Abuse
For many, people think sexual abuse is inconsequential. But sexual abuse functions on a spectrum.
When something happens to us, our brain is affected in clear ways. Trauma also happens when we are bullied at school or publicly ashamed.
There are three important things you need to know about trauma in regards to unwanted sexual behavior:
Whatever the event, it has a lasting imprint on your brain. Trauma isn’t something that happened a long time ago, it lives with us in that imprint.
It doesn’t just live in our heads as a bad memory, it can also effect us physically as well.
People who have been traumatized feel like they have lost part of their soul. “When that thing happened to me, part of me died.”
In Joe’s story, pornography gave him an opportunity to escape the humiliation he felt and offered him a world where he could critique other people’s bodies and never felt inferior.
Joe’s experiences negatively shaped his brain because they were in fact trauma.
You may not remember stories when you were younger, but your brain does as you learned how to protect yourself. In Joes story we see how trauma effected him; and that pornography was his attempt to resolve it.
Sexual abuse is wider than what you may be thinking. The spectrum of abuse can be vast, both in severity and duration.
The point isn’t to compare you experience to someone else. The way your mind, soul, and body metabolized your traumatic experiences is reenacting itself in unwanted sexual behavior that is very particular to you.
What happens to us in sexual abuse?
The abuser connected with you. There is always a context. Trust is almost always the foundation of sexual abuse. A friend, parent, babysitter…
During your abuse you likely felt arousal and pleasure. The goal is for you to feel special and chosen.
The third core experience is secrecy. Secrecy happens once you feel complicit or your abuser threatened you.
In the aftermath, you feel shamed and eventually numb. In the end you have a deep sense of confusion and guilt.
How your brain is wounded by sexual abuse, trauma and harmful experiences stay with us for life and they show up in destructive ways.
Brittany’s sexual abuse with Sam became repeated in her unwanted sexual behavior as an adult. Years later when she had an affair with a lawyer, the ingredients of her original abuse were present.
Dan Allender: “What is the impact of sexual abuse over a lifetime? A lifetime.”
These early childhood traumas have lead to the deeply entrenched behaviors that mark your life today.
The journey to healing is about blessing what your body experienced. Blessing in no way condones what was done to you. But only in honoring what our bodies experienced will we be able to choose situations as an adult that honor that behavior as well. If we hate ourselves in our past, it is highly likely we will put ourselves in situations where we hate ourselves in the future.
The sense of bonding you felt was good. God planted in you a desire and passion to be known and seen.
Evil wants you disconnected from pleasure and delight; the work of the gospel is to restore us back into them. Trauma shatters that wholeness; but through Jesus you can have that wholeness back.
Rigidity, Disengagement, Triangulation and Sexual Abuse will sow the seeds of self hatred.
Your understanding of who you are has been distorted.
Change will come to the degree that you study and grieve the conditions that formed you into the person you are today.