Cave Sex 3.3
Do you want to leave the cave?
20,500ft
God has replaced my “how” with “why”. I used to try everything I could to find a safe place to go inner circle. Now I ask, “why am I feeling this way?”
Dominic, Fellow Climber
At This Point In The Climb
By the end of 3.3 you should be able to not go Inner Circle for months. On this part of the journey, you should be able to send LifeLines and start to slow how often you go Inner Circle.
Goal:
No inner Circle In Months
3.3.1
It’s Time to Listen to your lust.
The time has come on this journey for us to share, in full confidence, what we search for online and the fantasies that we keep in our heads. When we go Inner Circle, each of us follows a narrative and that narrative is trying to correct something that is wrong and broken in our lives that we are trying to fix. Evil doesn’t want you asking questions and looking into these stories: evil just wants you to indulge.
But Jesus asks us, not to run, but to turn on the light in the darkest parts of our caves and ask questions about what we have been fantasizing about for so long.
This is where one of our most treasured scriptures in Climb29 comes to life:
“even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.”Psalm 139: 12
The fantasies we hide from ourselves: this isn’t hidden from Jesus. Jesus calls us to shine a light, to bring the very person of Jesus, full of Glory and Hope into the darkness of our hearts and shine a light. The darkness is dark to you and me; but to Jesus the darkness is a light. He is going to use this to help you see how Evil got a hold of you, keeps a hold on you, and how to speak against it as we leave the cave for good.
Ground Rules in this part of the cave
As always, what is shared here, stays here. No details are to be shared outside of the group.
It’s taken us a LONG time to get here. Mostly, because you need distance from going Inner Circle. If there isn’t distance, then what is shared here can really work against you when you hear other men share. It’s really important that you have started to stop going Inner Circle.
If what we open here is too hard for you, please be honest with your Sherpa. This may open up wounds or things that you may need to talk with a licensed professional. If this is the case, we strongly recommend reacting out to Jay Stringers Unwanted Journey for deeper help.
It’s time to shine a light on our Fantacies
Evil wants us to hide; Jesus is asking us to shine a light in what we have always kept hidden from others. In this next section we are going to hear three fantasy stories from others and give us the time to hear how God used these broken stories to help us see the Cave, name the Cave and leave the Cave behind.
“Each has a well developed template for what you find arousing, the collection of images, thoughts, activities, sounds, words, facial expressions, times of day, relationship structures, locations… are all very well crafted ingredients in the cocktail of what arouses you.”
John Miller’s most common fantasy
Here is John’s story of his most common fantasy in porn use. This is something that John looked up enough, that eventually he didn’t need to use porn anymore and used this image in his head when he took a shower before his long, 3 hour commute into work each day.
“My most common fantasy was a gentle woman, pretty, but normal looking, slowly taking her clothes off. Her goal was to tell me how happy she was to be with me, and what I looked for was someone who was tender and believable. I wanted to believe that she was sincere. She would approach me, take my pants off, get on her knees and proceed to give me a slow blow job. When I was close to climax, she was never afraid, and wanted to experience having my cum all over her. Then she would thank me and tell me again how wonderful I was when it was all over.”
John Miller
a quick look into John’s History:
John is 1 of 6 kids, in the middle. John was outgoing, loud, and often in trouble. He used comedy and humor to be seen. He was never good in school and often in trouble at home. At one point, he remembers being grounded from so much the only room in the house he was free was when he was in the bathroom. John was always in trouble. There was always something he was doing and getting yelled at. When John was 18 he moved off to college and never came back home, excited to leave the chaos behind.
John’s younger sister has extreme disabilities. Everyone loves his sister, but her extreme autism took all of his parents patience and energy. John was often left out, unseen, and yelled at for not doing things right.
In college John fell in love and became engaged. They messed around sexually a lot and she was his dream: highly sexual and highly affirming. He used her as a way for him to feel good about himself. She ended the relationship abruptly, broke the engagement, and John graduated alone.
In John’s depression, his fantasy about blow jobs increased and is what he tried to look for the most when he went Inner Circle.
Our sexual fantasies reveal our attempt to reverse or repeat a past or present pain. We spend a lifetime praying for grace and forgiveness in the hopes that we will one day be able to stop our unwanted sexual behavior. Your frustration in life has to be directed somewhere. If we have unaddressed hurt and anger; we will aim our anger and control at women.
Jay Stringer
Discuss:
How does John’s history connect to his most common fantasy?
Our fantasies either repeat/reenact something or they are used to repair something. How is this fantasy doing one of these things?
What John learned on the climb about himself:
On this journey John learned that his core view of himself was:
I am Bad
No one really loves me
My needs won’t be met
I have to take care of myself
John felt powerless in a large family with no voice.
John learned in his home that he was bad. Bad kid. Bad grades. This is something that ran deep into his story. Always in trouble. Always too loud. Always the wrong person. John did little that he felt was done right.
John’s big family and sister with disabilities made life hard, complex and unheard.
In college, John finally felt seen, and he believed this person loved him in the same way the women in the porn movies did. And when she left, all he was able to hear at the time was “John is bad, not worth it, no one will be able to love me.”
Reenact or Repair
When evil is pulling us strong, sometimes it feels so powerful, it feels like it will never go away. I liken it to a monster outside the house. Sometimes that monster is so overwhelming that the only way to get it to go away is to go Inner Circle. For a while, the monster calms down, and waits to come back another time. But this monster is always there, always waiting, and always reminding us we haven’t changed and can’t change.
Fantasies do one of two things:
We repeat or reenact trauma or pain in our lives.
Maybe in your fantasies, you are the one being used. Maybe you are the one being put down or abused. Pornography is a way for us to repeat trauma in a way for us to somehow find healing, however broken. Maybe your fantasies are a way for you to work out past or present brokenness you experienced, and pornography is a tool you are using trying to make sense of past pain and trauma.
We repair or recreate trauma or pain in our lives.
Maybe in our fantasies you are trying to reverse something bad that happened. Your fantasies might be a way of recreating a past or present experience and shifting the story in an attempt to heal or deal with your pain.
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John is important
John is special
John is the center of attention
John is being cared for
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He was being seen by someone. She was pretty, someone of value.
He was strong, attractive and powerful.
All of her attention was on him.
He was valued, cherished.
She had no regrets about being with me.
No part of me, however embarrassing, was gross to her. She loves all of me.
John’s big family and sister with disabilities made him feel invisible, and unseen.
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The women he wants in his fantasies need to be gentle
He becomes something else by going Inner Circle. He transforms his loss and sadness into something that makes him feel good.
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John wasn’t being seen by anyone. People were faking their love for him.
John was weaker, fragile and growing in self hatred.
He was afraid of real relationships.
There was no equality in his relationships, either John was in control or being controlled. He didn’t know how to love other or accept love from others.
John’s growing shame only contributed and reenforced to his view of himself: I am bad.
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John needs to face his core feelings of feeling bad, alone and not important. If he doesn’t address that, change can’t happen.
The good news of Jesus needs to be invited into the pain, but John needs to name the pain that Jesus wants to help heal.
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Various Answ
Facing Evil Always starts out Overwhelming
I imagine the monster so big and so large, that when I try to face it, the entire skyline is taken up by it. It’s so overwhelming that there is no way that I can experience lasting change and freedom from Evil.
Evil always feel strong in the dark.
How can I say no?
Will it ever go away?
This is something that will always be a part of my story.
Nothing helps.
As we learn to ask questions, Evil looses it power
But as we learn to not hide, but stand strong, with Jesus and our climbers by our side, we can ask questions. We can talk about what Evil is offering us. When we open up about the fantasies that Evil is offering us, it’s a time for Jesus to shine. The landscape begins to change. The colors, our stories come to light and we can see what evil is offering and why it used to “work” for us.
What we are doing isn’t hiding from evil: we are inviting it on to our front porch. It can’t come inside. It can’t stay outside, we are going to force Evil into a conversation with Jesus by our side.
Evil looses it’s power when we start asking questions.
Why are you here?
Why now?
What are you offering me?
What happened the last time you were here?
What is it you think you can fix?
What story is your fantasy telling?
As we learn to ask questions and listen to Jesus, Evil looses it’s power.
Evil, in all reality, is small and weak with nothing new to offer. The more you learn to ask questions we see that Evil repeats the same broken patterns offering us false ways of repairing only what Jesus can fully repair in our lives.
Evil starts out a massive monster with no end, but as we ask questions and listen, evil becomes Plankton from Spongebob, with nothing new to offer.
Walking away from Plankton is much easier than a monster in our heads.
We face Evil for what it is offering, and we turn to Jesus, Truth and our Climbers.
Our identity is in Jesus
Jesus offers us hope and change
Jesus is honest with us about the pain of dying to sin, but also offers us hope in the resurrection on the other side of that sin
We can be free from evil
We aren’t controlled by evil
We can learn and start to change, unafraid!
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
Homework: Facing Evil on the Front Porch
If you were on the porch of your “life house,” as described in the video, and lust visited you, what questions would you want to ask your lust, and why?*
In your lust, what are the top 2-3 fantasies you repeatedly search for that arouse you? (e.g. in search bars for porn, or in your mind as you fantasize about others). Write out this narrative in detail – how the fantasy typically unfolds; how it progresses; Are there specific times of day you are more likely to pursue this fantasy? ( e.g. late afternoons, before bed) Specific settings or circumstances? (e.g. business travel, etc.)*
What observations do you made about these fantasies? Do you see any patterns across them? Do these patterns reveal any “clues” into your own story of sexual brokenness?*
How do you see your unwanted sexual behavior/lust giving you control over some aspect of your life?
Do your fantasies try to Repeat or Repair past or current pain?
3.3.2
Why do I stay in the Cave?
Addiction is always about looking for relief in a fallen world. Why do we stay in the Cave that has brought us pain and separation from God and those we love? Why don’t we stop?
At this point the Climb you have done amazing work to get where you are today. This next unit is pivotal: are you going to stay in the Cave or are you going to leave the Cave?
In this unit we are going to explore why do we stay in the Cave and the path we need to take to start walking out.
Let’s start with Paul in Romans 7, one of the most amazing and honest passages in the Bible talking about Sin.
Read this Out load:
Romans 7: 14-25 (New Living)
So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
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He’s totally honest and transparent about his constant struggle with sin.
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“Sin is my boss. I do not understand myself!”
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Let the group share by re-reading parts of Chapter 7.
But there is a different law at work deep inside of me that fights with my mind. This law of sin holds me in its power because sin is still in me. There is no happiness in me! Who can set me free from my sinful old self?
Romans 7: 23 & 24
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It’s deep inside of him
The sin holds him in it’s power
He isn’t happy
He wants freedom
Case study of “Christian leaders” who Stayed in the cave
Case Study: Ravi Zacharias
Zacharias used tens of thousands of dollars of ministry funds dedicated to a “humanitarian effort” to pay four massage therapists, providing them housing, schooling, and monthly support for extended periods of time, according to investigators.
One woman told the investigators that “after he arranged for the ministry to provide her with financial support, he required sex from her.” She called it rape.
She said Zacharias “made her pray with him to thank God for the ‘opportunity’ they both received” and, as with other victims, “called her his ‘reward’ for living a life of service to God,” the report says. Zacharias warned the woman—a fellow believer—if she ever spoke out against him, she would be responsible for millions of souls lost when his reputation was damaged.
Also reported:
Much of the abuse uncovered by investigators took place around massage, which Zacharias relied on to treat a chronic back injury. He regularly traveled with a personal masseuse and criticized a fellow RZIM staff member who questioned the “appearance of impropriety” for doing so.
He would often arrange for massage treatments in his hotel room when he was likely alone
The investigation did not find any evidence that RZIM leadership or staff knew about Zacharias’s sexual misconduct. It also shows the ministry provided little to no accountability for its namesake and founder.
He also maintained multiple phones at all times, kept them on a different wireless plan
Source: Christianity Today
Discuss:
Ravi had chronic back pain. How did he face this pain in his life?
What was Ravi’s relationships like with other men, his equals?
What was Ravi’s relationship like with the board?
How do you think Ravi was able to be so active in ministry, and simultaneously so actively sinning?
What lessons do you hear for yourself in this story?
How did Ravi fail to join Jesus in Death and Resurrection? What could he have done?
Case Study: King David
2 Samuel 11: 1-5
The spring of the year was the time when kings went out to battle. At that time David sent Joab and his servants and all Israel. They destroyed the sons of Ammon and gathered the army around Rabbah. But David stayed at Jerusalem.
When evening came David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house. From the roof he saw a woman washing herself. The woman was very beautiful. So David sent someone to ask about the woman. And one said, “Is this not Eliam’s daughter Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” David sent men and took her. When she came to him, he lay with her. After she had made herself clean again, she returned to her house. She was going to have a baby, so she sent someone to tell David, “I am going to have a baby.”
Discuss:
Did Bathsheba have a choice to sleep with David, the King?
David was in a position of power, who did David allow in his life to speak into him?
When Bathsheba was bathing in public view (not normal) how did David respond to her wanting to be seen?
Do you think acting out sexually like David did here happened quickly? Or do you think David was sowing these seeds of discontent for some time? Think about it this way: acting out sexually might happen quickly once you make a choice to go into ritual. But do you think David was fighting Preoccupation in his life, or allowing it to dwell?
In this story, David should have been in battle, but stayed home. And staying home he got bored and this happened. How does David facing life’s responsibilities?
What lessons do you hear for yourself in this story?
How did David fail to join Jesus in Death and Resurrection? What could he have done?
Let’s return to the end of Romans 7 where we left Paul.
Read this Out load:
Romans 7: 23b-25 (New Living)
But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
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“Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.”
It’s not a “where” but a “who”. Paul needs Jesus.
Freedom is found by following Jesus, into death,
Let’s turn to Paul, again, in Philippians 3. We’ve looked at this verse again and again. What is paul saying about how he Experienced lasting change and hope?
Philippians 3: 9b -11.
I could not be right with God by what the Law said I must do. I was made right with God by faith in Christ. I want to know Him. I want to have the same power in my life that raised Jesus from the dead. I want to understand and have a share in His sufferings and be like Christ in His death. Then I may be raised up from among the dead.
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Through Faith! Paul made a choice to believe what the Gospel says about him. Paul’s identity isn’t in his past, or his brokenness, it’s in Jesus! Jesus looks at Paul and says:
You are my son.
Whom I love.
In you I am well pleased.
Jesus looks at Paul and Paul is far worse than he knows and far more loved than he ever dreamed through Jesus!
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To know Jesus.
He wants the power of Jesus in him, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.
He wants to “share in the sufferings and be like Jesus in his death.”
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Paul telling Jesus he is willing to die to what Jesus calls him to die to.
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That he might be raised from the dead. In this life and the next. Paul is so hungry for a new life NOW and in the world to come.
3.3.3
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
One of my favorite scenes in Lord of the Rings is in the second film, The Two Towers. Frodo, tasked with carrying “the ring of power” to it’s destruction is being overcome by evil every step of the way. Each step becomes harder than the next. He started out with passion and energy, but Evil has been chasing him after every turn. He has lost friends. He’s let himself down. He’s let his friends down. At the end of the two towers, he stands on a bridge, holds the ring up, for evil to end it all and take it from him.
Frodo is tired.
Frodo can’t do it anymore.
Then, as grace has it, Sam Wise, his best friend tackles him. The ring is kept from evil. Frodo is protected from certain death.
Frodo, overcome with anger and confusion, pulls out his sword to kill Sam. Sam screaming, is able to break through to Frodo and bring him back into reality.
Frodo drops the sword and can’t believe what just almost happened.
We all relate to this scene. It’s how we have all felt on this journey trying to overcome evil.
Here is the amazing conversation between Sam and Frodo after Frodo realizes he just tried to kill his best friend for helping him.
Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.
This is the point of the journey we are on. We have done so much hard work to get where we are, learning about our stories and how we got here. But it’s time to stand up, face our stories, hear the stories of those around us, and all start the hard journey of finally walking away from going Inner Circle.
Colossians 3
The Message
1-2 So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective.
Learning about our stories has been transformational. But, instead of walking around with our “eyes to the ground” it’s time to stand up tall, with Jesus and our Climbers by our side, “look up and be alert” to what Jesus is doing.
Jesus wants to do a new thing in your story.
3-4 Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you’ll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.
Our old lives are dead when we follow Jesus. Our new life, as men of God, through Jesus and His work in our lives.
5-8 And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That’s a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It’s because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn’t long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.
And so we set out to kill, kill everything of how Evil named us and how we live in that broken identity, not Jesus’ identity for us.
It’s time to put to death our old stories, and bring to life, a new beautiful story that God is writing in our lives.
We are putting to death:
Inner Circle
Impurity
Lust
doing whatever we feel like when we feel like it
grabbing what attracts our fancy when we feel pain and hurt
anger
irritability
meanness
profanity
talk that crushes others and lifts us up
Now we know better.
9-11 Don’t lie to one another. You’re done with that old life. It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
You’re done with the old life.
What does Inner Circle solve? What does it really heal? Where does it get you?
Nothing. Nothing. Nowhere.
It’s time to wear something new, new clothes, a new way of living in this broken world. Not as a wounded man, but as healed man, who knows his wounds, knows the healer Jesus and is ready to put his foot on the neck of Evil.
We are defined by Jesus, not by our past.
Everyone.
12-14 So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
We are taking off the Cave Clothes and putting on a new Clothes.
Our new clothes are how we are going to face the world, how we are going to face Evil:
Compassion
Kindness
Humility
Quiet Strength
discipline
Even tempered
Contentment
quick to forgive
and the most important: Love. For our stories. For Jesus. For what God wants to do in and through us to change the world.
It’s time for a change of clothes.
| Taking Off (Putting to Death) |
Putting On |
|---|---|
| Inner Circle | Compassion |
| Impurity | Kindness |
| Lust | Humility |
| Doing whatever we feel like when we feel like it | Quiet Strength |
| Grabbing what attracts our fancy when we feel pain and hurt | Discipline |
| Anger | Even tempered |
| Irritability | Contentment |
| Meanness | Quick to forgive |
| Talk that crushes others and lifts us up | Love. For our stories. For Jesus. For what God wants to do in and through us to change the world. |
Taking Off Fighting Your Story
We are at war with our stories
Each time we go Inner Circle, deep down, we are at war with the story we have been given. We might be rejecting our story, or we are trying to repair to recreate our story in the hopes of a different outcome. Either way, instead of being at peace with our story, there is a war within us for how our life has unfolded.
In 2009, my wife Pam was pregnant with our first baby. We were so excited and had so many plans. We were newly weds, full of excitement and innocence about having a baby. We didn’t find out the sex, we wanted it to be a surprise; We painted the baby room light green to fit either gender; we went to Dr appointments with excitement and anticipation of being new parents.
When Pam was 35 weeks, just about a month to go, I was on a plane that landed in San Francisco when I got a phone call to come home immediately. In an instant, my world went from excited young dad to lost, crushed and devastated. My dad spoke with me on the phone and told me that our baby died inside of Pam, and that Pam’s body was shutting down and she was near death. The only way for Pam to recover was immediate delivery of our baby. I got on the same plane that landed and flew back to York. Pam didn’t want to deliver without me there, and as she was waiting, she was loosing tremendous amounts of blood. When I got there the hospital staff was laser focused on saving Pam’s life.
Moments after walking in the hospital room, I was holding our dead son, Ben, and Dr’s were surrounding Pam, stabilizing her.
The story we wanted was to be proud parents of our new baby boy, Ben. The story we got was cruel, lonely and cold.
After the funeral, Pam and I left town and spent a long weekend at my sister’s beach house. We were quiet. Watching the dogs run on the beach was beautiful and helped us get our minds off the pain we felt.
Asking God to Return Your Story
That weekend Pam said to me, “I feel like God has this hat, full of pieces of paper with different stories on them. We pull our stories out and this is what we get. I want to tell God I don’t want this story that got picked for me. I want a different story. I want God to bring that hat over here and let me choose something else.”
I remember not saying anything to Pam. What she said was raw, real and honest.
We have seen on this journey how we use Inner Circle to heal ourselves, fix pain, run from pain, reverse pain, or try to repair it. Some of our stories are full of trauma and some of our stories feel small compared to others.
But we all share in common that instead of accepting the stories that we have, deep down, we reject our stories and want a chance to pick a new story from the hat.
Maybe you are fighting:
Being single, and alone
Being married, and alone
Being married, but your spouse has changed
Being married to the wrong person
Having kids
Not having kids
Having bad kids
Your story of past abuse
Your story of past neglect
Your broken family
How you were bullied
The list goes on an on. We spend so much time fighting the stories we have been given instead of turning to God and putting on embracing our stories, and one day, even see what God has allowed for His Glory.
“Each time we go Inner Circle, deep down, we are at war with the story we have been given.”
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He used back pain as an excuse to get massages
He was distant from his wife and deserved sex
Work was hard and demanded and he deserved to feel good
He wouldn’t listen to others that tried to give him advice or steer him
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He should have been in battle, not sitting around at home.
He was discontent with life and felt excited when he saw Bathsheba
He used his power as a way to get what he wanted
Felt he deserved to feel pleasure
One way I rejected my story is that after I was married, my wife and I struggled to connect sexually for almost 10 years. I wondered if I married the wrong person. I wondered if my story was a mistake. I was going Inner Circle to manage my pain, thinking in some crazy way I was helping, but in reality, I was making the pain and distance between my wife and I grow each time.
It’s time to stop fighting your story, pause, and embrace the story you have been given.
Discuss:
How are you fighting your story?
What parts of what we shared do you connect with?
What parts of what were shared are uncomfortable for you?
Do you think you are ready to stop fighting your story and accept what you have been given?
Putting On Embracing Your Story
Accepting our stories
Joseph, in the Book of Genesis, is an amazing story. When he encounters suffering, he experiences sadness, but instead of fighting his story, each time he faced suffering embraced what the story that God was allowing in His life. Joseph trusted God in what he couldn’t see.
When Joseph was sold to be a slave in Egypt, he worked so hard he became number 2 in Egypt, in charge of Potiphar’s entire household.
The Lord was with Joseph so that he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master. When his master saw that the Lord was with him and that the Lord gave him success in everything he did, Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned. From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the Lord blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the Lord was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field. So Potiphar left everything he had in Joseph’s care; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate.
Genesis 39: 1-6
But Joseph’s pain only increases. His story becomes harder. Because Joseph follows God, pain increases in his life. God allowed a suffering J-Curve in his life: His brothers sold him into slavery. Then God allowed another suffering J-Curve in his Life: for saying NO to sexual temptation he is thrown in prison.
Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, 7 and after a while his master’s wife took notice of Joseph and said, “Come to bed with me!”
But he refused. “With me in charge,” he told her, “my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her.
One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, “Come to bed with me!” But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.
When she saw that he had left his cloak in her hand and had run out of the house, she called her household servants. “Look,” she said to them, “this Hebrew has been brought to us to make sport of us! He came in here to sleep with me, but I screamed. When he heard me scream for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house.”
She kept his cloak beside her until his master came home. Then she told him this story: “That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me. But as soon as I screamed for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house.”
When his master heard the story his wife told him, saying, “This is how your slave treated me,” he burned with anger. Joseph’s master took him and put him in prison, the place where the king’s prisoners were confined.
Genesis 39: 6b-20
But Joseph continues to embrace his story, a story he feels lost, alone and helpless in. He embraces it and turns to God.
But while Joseph was there in the prison, the Lord was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden. So the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in the prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph’s care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.
Genesis 39: 20b-23
But Joseph’s story of suffering continues. But again, instead of fighting his story, he continues to embrace it.
Two of the kings men, a baker and a cup bearer, are sent to prison. Both of them have horrible dreams that Joseph, because he is a man who practices listening to God, can interpret the dreams. Joseph tells the baker he will be killed by the King, and that the Cup Bearer will be restored. Joseph begs the Cup Bearer to remember him when he is restored and remind the King to free him.
But he’s forgotten. And he’s forgotten for 2 more years.
The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him.
Genesis 41: 1a
When two full years had passed, Pharaoh had a dream . . .
But Pharaoh has a dream, and he needs help. The Cup Bearer remembers Joseph and brings him out of prison to help Pharaoh interpret the dream.
Genesis 40: 23
Before Pharaoh can even share his dream to Jospeh, Joseph has embraced his story so much that before he hears it he tells Pharaoh:
“I cannot do it,” Joseph replied to Pharaoh, “but God will give Pharaoh the answer he desires.”
Genesis 41: 16
Again, Joseph doesn’t fight his tragic story, he embraces it and allows God to work. Because of this, Joseph is able to again interpret the dreams and save all of Egypt from famine.
Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Since God has made all this known to you, there is no one so discerning and wise as you. You shall be in charge of my palace, and all my people are to submit to your orders. Only with respect to the throne will I be greater than you.”
So Pharaoh said to Joseph, “I hereby put you in charge of the whole land of Egypt.” Then Pharaoh took his signet ring from his finger and put it on Joseph’s finger. He dressed him in robes of fine linen and put a gold chain around his neck. He had him ride in a chariot as his second-in-command, and people shouted before him, “Make way!” Thus he put him in charge of the whole land of Egypt.
Genesis 41: 39 - 43
What I’m not saying
I’m not saying that the pain each of us experienced in life all has a purpose and that God is going to use it. Our past pain is complex, awful, painful and hard to talk about. I’m not saying that putting of fighting your story and putting on embracing your story means you have to embrace what has happened to you.
What I am saying
When we face pain in our lives, we turn to our addictions to make us feel better instead of facing that pain. We fight the stories God has allowed in our lives instead of embracing God’s redemptive work in our lives.
Jesus looks at you on this journey, sees the amazing progress and hard work you have done to resist evil and embrace your story for the Glory of God. Just like Joseph, God turns to each of us and restores us, rebuilds us and give us a new way of seeing our story.
It’s time we embrace the story we have been given, and ask, “How does God want me to heal from the past, embrace my new Identity in Jesus, and live boldly for God’s glory?”
Discuss:
How is God calling you to heal from your past?
How is God calling you to embrace your new Identity In Jesus?
How do you think God can use the broken parts of your story to bless others and crush Evil?
How do you think embracing your story, no longer running from it, will change your heart on this journey?
3.3.4
Taking Off & Putting On
Taking Off Fighting Your Story & Putting on Embracing Your Story
It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
Collisions 3: 9b-11
Taking Off anger
Facing Our Anger
On this climb, almost all of us have one common struggle outside of Inner Circle: Anger. Very few men on this journey don’t struggle with anger. Your anger might be quiet, lived deeply inside. It might be loud, and we don’t know how to stop or control it.
Anger is easy for me to talk about. It’s something I have faced a lot on this journey and God continues to heal me from. It’s time to put Anger to death.
Anger at yourself.
Sometimes, when we are still enough to think, a deep seeded anger at ourselves can easily come to the surface. Why did it take me so long to face my unwanted sexual sin? Why did I hurt so many people? How can any trust me after how much I lied and turned from others?
For me, myself contempt was the hardest in the shower. I was quiet, alone with my own thoughts, and if I wasn’t going Inner Circle, it’s where tapes would play of the previous day or things from my past that I’m so ashamed about. I would leave the shower so angry at my choices. I would join evil in agreement: I am bad.
Anger at others.
I would also be angry at others all the time. My wife for turning me down from sex time and time again. I would try my best to hide my anger, but once a year I would get to a point where I would explode. I remember screaming at her in the bedroom, “Why do you hate sex so much? Why are you doing this to me?” I wasn’t looking for an answer. I was burning and needed to explode.
I remember one vacation clearly. The family was packing from Ocean City NJ to go home to York. If my wife followed my timeline, we would miss the Philly 76 traffic and the Lancaster traffic. But as the packing was happening, I was seeing this slip. Each slip of the clock, my anger grew.
When we got in the car I drove as fast as I could. Angry. Pam felt it. The kids felt it. Daddy was mad.
So I drove as fast as I could to make up time. Putting my family in danger by driving way too fast. I got back on track for our time, but I still felt angry and disrespected.
We stopped for gas and I was ready to move fast. The kids woke up and Pam got them out to go the bathroom. But Pam knew I was angry. So she ran with the kids to go to the bathroom as fast as possible.
But when I saw them, instantly, anger came over me again totally controlling me. I yelled as loud as I could to my running family, “You better run! I need you back here before I’m done pumping!”
They came back in the car, afraid of me. All of them. We drove the rest of the way home in total silence.
I’m humiliated to share this story. God’s work has been so deep in me. But reminding myself of my sin and it’s damage to others is so important for all of us to learn to walk away.
That was a pretty hard story to share. But I also wanted to share a quick story, one that is really common for me.
When I’m in traffic and someone cuts me off or does me wrong, the Philly in me comes out instantly: I ride up on them, I actually enjoy honking and laying on horn and my feeling of injustice in the moment needs to be addressed.
This is anger. This is wrong. This is not what it looks like to be Jesus in my community.
Our anger can be big and scary like on my vacation, but it can also be quiet and alone, like driving. either way, it’s wrong and needs to die.
It’s time our anger at others is named. It’s time our anger at others stops.
Anger at God.
During our first 9 years of marriage, as we struggled sexually and in our marriage, I remember also turning my anger right to God.
For the first time I understood same sex attraction: it’s so much easier for men to love men. We share the same sexual drives. It’s so much easier for women to love women: they share the same sexual drives.
I felt like God made men and women so different just to screw with me. Why was I so in love with my wife, so attracted to her, and yet, God made her so different?
Why did God make sex so complicated?
Porn was so attractive because it was so easy. Knowing and moving towards my wife was messy, hard, complicated and made me constantly doubt myself and God.
I was even angry at how God shaped our penis. Why did he make it front, center, easy to touch and easy to feel good? Did he design my body just to mess with me?
So many nights I went to bed Angry at God.
David Powlison on Anger
Calming Yourself Down to think clearly
First, Pausing, forcing yourself to pause and NNAIA. When you feel rage coming, or feel it happening, remove yourself from the situation and pause. Give yourself room to think and pray.
Do you want to be mad? Is this what you really want?
Is what you are getting angry at over worth it?
Could there be a better way.
What is it you want to be going? You don’t want to be raging angry, but what is it you really want?
Second, as a result of pausing, seeing what I want to do, what will I do?
How do I want myself to respond?
How does Jesus want me to respond?
Give yourself the freedom to learn how to express your frustrations in a healthy way
If what I’m angry over is legitimate, how can I face this in a healthy way?
If what I’m anger over isn’t legitimate, how can I change my expectations of others?
Discuss:
How do you struggle with Anger?
Can you share about being angry at yourself?
Can you share about being angry at others?
Can you share about being angry at God?
How has your anger hurt you and others?
What has your anger gotten you?
Is anger worth keeping in your life?
Putting On Meekness
Meekness Starts with Forgiveness
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Colossians 3: 12-14
An Amish Horror
October 2nd 2006, a young man broke into an Amish schoolhouse in Lancaster Pa and killed 10 girls ages 6-10, then turning the gun on himself. It was awful. Living in Central Pa at the time it shook all of us. The sadness and evil was so awful none of us could name it.
Soon after the shooting the elders from the community got on the news and announced their forgiveness for what happened.
Within the week Amish community came together and the schoolhouse was completely razed, turned into farm land. You would never knew it ever existed.
While their forgiveness was brave, I don’t think forgiveness works that way when the pain is real and the pain is deep. Death, abuse, divorce, betrayal, failures of our parents, our own failures… all of this pains is not healed by a single prayer of forgiveness.
God, when talking about how much the Israelites have betrayed and hurt Him says this,
“I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.Isaiah 43: 25
In the present tense God “remembers your sins no more.” Meaning, God, when faced with our constant betrayal, remembers our sins no more. God is actively, again and again, saying on our behalf, “I forgive you.”
Forgiveness, when it’s real, is more than just a moment, it’s something we choose, again and again on the road to redemption.
Forgiving ourselves
Instead of living in self harm, self-pity and self-hatred, it’s time to forgive yourself. The story I shared about yelling at my kids is awful. It was awful to share. But Jesus forgives me. Pam forgives me. My kids forgive me. And I need to accept it.
But real forgiveness is transformative. I need to change.
Instead of living in self-contempt, I need to do the hard work of seeing what the Gospel says about me: I am forgiven. I am the Adopted Son of God. I am made new. God is making me a new creation and because I am deeply forgiven, I’m not wasting this.
I am allowing God to change my heart and change who I am?
The shower is where I went Inner Circle the most. It’s where my mind was quiet. And when my mind was quiet I had two choices: review my mistakes and how awful I am, or enter a fantasy and escape into Inner Circle.
When I stopped going Inner Circle, I had to face how much self-contempt I had in my life. How much that I wasn’t willing to accept God’s forgiveness of me, through Jesus. I had to face that Jesus loved me, died for me, forgives me and washes me new.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103: 12
Forgiving Others
Forgiving others, and the pains that we have gone through take time. We choose it again and again. When we feel the pain of trauma: we choose to forgive as we have been forgiven. When the memories are painful: we choose to forgive as we have been forgiven. When our past feels like it’s still right here, as if it all happened yesterday: we choose to forgive as we have been forgiven.
Years ago, when I was around 10 years old I was at a summer camp. At night, our camp counselor would take off his pants and show us butt. We all laughed. I’m very outgoing and very loud, I always have been. I was also in the top bunk, a head height, right in the front of the cabin near the door. The next night he showed us his penis. We all laughed. Then the next night, he got on top of me, pushed his tongue into my mouth and swirled it around as I tried to push him off. I can still feel his prickly face and his fat tongue pushing into my mouth. Everyone laughed. But me.
He warned us not to tell anyone about what happened, and I wanted to be good so I didn’t. Then, a few weeks later, cops came to my house to meet with me, ask me questions and listen to my story. I remember the cops being tall, strong and kind. I wasn’t afraid of them at all.
My family didn’t really know what to do about it all, so we did what many families do: we just ignored it and moved on.
But when I started acting out sexually, I would think about my first time being kissed by a gross man. I wanted to reverse what happened and make it something wonderful with a beautiful woman who was kind and gentle to me.
On this journey, I have had to go into my story and forgive others, not once, but many many many times. Each time a memory would come up, each time Evil would try to make me feel awful, each time old poorly healed wounds came up, I would have to turn to Jesus, my counselors and my friends and ask Jesus to be next to me while I continued to forgive again and again.
I’ve had to forgive my dad for past hurts. Then move on. Then when it came up again, I would choose forgiveness again. Then move on.
I’ve had for forgive the church for leaving me in a struggle with sexual sins. Then move on. But my hurt would raise again one Sunday, out of the blue, and I would be reminded how much the church failed to help me. So I forgive again, and move on.
Jesus covers me with His love and forgiveness. As a man of God, we too, stand up and forgive again and again. Not because we are righteous, but because we too have been forgiven.
Holding on to hate destroys us.
Continually forgiving is medicine to the very soul.
Trusting God
Remember how I said we get angry at God? The stories He gave us, how we feel abandoned? Or in my example, how angry I was how he created men and women so differently. I was angry at how God created sex. Like God was messing with me.
We are putting off Anger, and putting on Forgiveness. That’s what Godly men do. This is how we leave the cave. Not by pretending we aren’t hurt, but but looking our hurt head on, and choosing to trust God on the path of forgiveness.
But I am not in a position to forgive God. I am in a new position, after my anger has calmed down, and I can submit to the amazing and complex story that He has allowed in my life.
Instead of being angry at God, it’s time to Trust Him as I leave the cave. Anger makes our paths crooked. Anger leaves us confused and cloudy.
Trusting in God leads to understanding. Trusting in God brings clarity. Trusting in God makes straight paths.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.Proverbs 3: 5-6
Jordan Peterson Putting On Meekness, the Opposite of Anger
Discuss:
Where do you need to forgive yourself?
Where do you need to forgive others?
How is forgiveness continual and not a moment in your life?
By forgiving others, how will that heal you?
Is there someone you need to forgive but need to talk about it?
Homework: Feeling Angry? Pause and Think.
If you feel the seeds of anger, take a moment, breathe and pause to reflect on these three things:
What do I want to do? (ie, I want to scream and punch)
What will I do? (ie, I am going to loose my temper if I’m not stopped)
What does Christ say about me, and how does he want me to respond? (ie, I need to repent, slow down, and process this situation like a Man of Jesus)
3.3.5
Taking Off & Putting On
Taking Off Anger & Putting on Meekness
It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
Collisions 3: 9b-11
Taking Off Our Old Love
Walking Away from an old Love
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
1 Corinthians 13: 11
I was 14 when I first went Inner Circle. I felt lost, alone, misunderstood and ignored in a large family. When I discovered Inner Circle and Porn, all of my worries and doubts faded in the intense moments of acting out.
For a moment, I was free.
For a moment, I was seen.
For a moment, I felt good.
When I was a child, Inner Circle served a purpose for me as a broken person in a broken world. But as I became a man, I didn’t face the sin that I felt Jesus longing for me to face, I hid. On the outside, I was becoming a man. But on the inside, I was still a child, acting like a child.
I realized that I needed to make a choice: I have been living with this sin for as long as I knew. I used inner circle to help me feel comfortable on hard days. I used Inner Circle to make me feel loved when I’m feeling alone and rejected. I used Inner Circle as a terrible way of giving me a false life, false hope and temporary relief from pain. But even though the relief was short, it worked for that short period of time. And that was easier to face than walking away.
A Beautiful Mind
There is a movie that I love called, “A Beautiful Mind.” This movie I have always seen as a masturbation movie. Why? The main character struggles with schizophrenia and is in a constant battle of “am I going to change or not?”. After I watched this movie I remember feeling so moved and torn: my story of not knowing how to move on from Inner Circle is the same story I just watched play out in this movie.
The main character starts out arrogant, like me, and unwilling to see his need for change.
Then his life begins to crumble, forcing him to change, hurting those around him. But he is forced to and doesn’t really want real change.
So he continues to keep living in his old ways, hurting himself and those who love him.
But his life falls apart, and he is forced to face change or lose his family. He chooses the hard work of change. He chooses the J Curve.
The main character then enters a J Curve of humiliating step down, one after then other, as he faces his own issues does the hard work of lasting change.
Part of that hard work is that he has created false friends, in his mind, that validate him and give him love. This isn’t real. But it still gives him value.
One of the most amazing scenes, is below, watch it together. This is the point in the movie where he talks to these imaginary people for the last time. He is honest: He is going to miss the comfort they bring. But they aren’t real. It’s not Truth. In order to change, he has to stop feeding this old love. He must say good-bye.
Putting On A New Love
It’s time, for you, to say Good-bye.
At this stage of the climb, one climber, had stopped going inner circle. It had been about six months since he had acted out and he was doing really well. In our check in, he got sad, and said there was something he needed to share.
He hadn’t gone Inner Circle. He shared about an old love, and that the Holy Spirit was telling him that he needed to walk away it.
He had years of bookmarks of all his favorite porn. These book marks were hidden from everyone. Only he knew. His book marks too him years to collect and organize according to the pain he was feeling. Depending on how Evil attacked his identity, he could look up the exact video to address his hurt.
None of us in the group knew he had these bookmarks. These bookmarks were kept safe and secret.
As we did our check-ins he confessed: “I have something to share.” And he told us everything. Then, he said, “when I get home tonight, I’m deleting all my bookmarks. I will text you all when I’m done.”
He was walking away, forever, from an old love.
And he did.
He had to say good-bye to what he “loved”, this porn, that was there for him when he needed it. It was time to say good-bye, and never open that door again.
Discuss:
How did your old love serve you as a child?
How did your old loves stop you from growing into a man?
How did your old love hurt you as a man?
What old loves do you still have?
What do you need to do, to totally walk away from your old love?
Confess now. Pray now. Now is the time to walk away from your old love.
Putting On Our New Love
When we this sin to death, there is a resurrection in the death. We turn to Jesus, our climbers, our community, our spouses and in embracing the story that God has given us, we embrace a new love for Jesus, following Him and trusting that He will care for us.
Inner Circle was a way of protecting my heart from past hurt and from continuing to get hurt. Turning from my old ways and turning toward Jesus freed me to start the amazing journey to become the man that God has called me to be.
I can’t think of a verse more beautiful and appropriate than this from Ezekiel 36.
Ezekiel 36: 24-30
For I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the lands, and bring you into your own land. Then I will put clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will make you clean from all your unclean ways and from all your false gods. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. I will take away your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to follow My Laws and be careful to do what I tell you. And you will live in the land that I gave to your fathers. You will be My people, and I will be your God. I will save you from all your unclean ways. I will give you much grain, and you will not have to go without food. I will have the trees give much fruit and the fields give much food. So you will never again suffer the shame of going hungry among the nations.
When we embrace God’s love for us I’m no longer wandering, God is gathering me and my family and brining me into a new place.
God has cleaned me.
God has given me a new heart, and His Holy Spirit inside of me.
God’s Spirit inside of me makes it possible for me to listen, trust him and obey.
God will be my God. I will be His adopted son. I can rest when I embrace my Identity as a Son of the King.
My needs are met with God: grain, no more hunger, fruits and fields that grow.
It’s time to put off my old love, and time to put on my new love.
It’s time to say good-bye.
It’s time to enter your new story.
The best, most terrifying, challenge of Climb29
When I reached this stage of the climb, my therapist told me, “John, it’s time you pray a Blessing over your place of Inner Circle. I want you to go to the place that Evil was the loudest in your heart. I want you to speak, out loud against evil in that place. Then, with your wife, I want you to pray a Blessing over this place and reclaim it for Jesus. Transform what was ugly into a place that Jesus owns.
I was terrified.
Each morning, I went Inner Circle in the shower. It’s where 90% of my acting out happened. It’s where I refused to grow up. It’s where the cave thrived. And now, I was supposed to go in there with my wife, pray against evil and pray a Blessing over the shower? Pray that the Holy Spirit would enter this place of shame?
Did I mention I was terrified?
One day, not knowing how to bring this up, I just jumped in when the kids weren’t home and Pam and I were alone. I asked her to come upstairs. She thought I was angry and that she did something wrong. We went into the bathroom.
I told her that my counselor told me that Evil doesn’t own my story anymore. Jesus does. He told me to go where I acted out the most, and to speak against evil, out-loud, and to pray, out-loud a blessing over this place. For it to become a Holy place.
It was just as awkward as I expected.
We got in the shower, fully clothed, no water running. Just standing there.
And I started to pray.
I began to speak against evil. For me. For my amazing wife. For my kids. I started to fell a knot in my throat. I began to thank God for His work in my life. That I was free from Inner Circle. I thanked him for all the help I got on the way. I told Jesus this is where Evil screamed the loudest at me. And that now, this was a Holy Place, where I wanted to hear from God.
Tears, Godly, strong, powerful and manly tears were pouring down my face. My wife started crying. I finished and she hugged me. Thanked me for being a man of God, leading our family and marriage.
Jesus was in the shower with me. He always has been. One day, I will see Him face to face, and I can’t wait to talk with Him about it.
I walked away from my old love. I embraced a new, unfailing love as a Godly man.
Years ago, the warm water would be a trigger for me to remember porn, fantasies, failures, missed “opportunities” to act out… my brain and heart would be flooded by evil in the shower with self contempt at the core.
Now, Jesus owns the shower. It’s where I pray the best. It’s where I’m clam. It’s where I pray for Climb29 and all the men on this amazing journey. I feel the presence of Jesus in the shower. I write for Climb29 in the shower as idea after idea come to mind. It’s so clear for me in the shower I need some kind of whiteboard that is water proof to be invented.
Homework:
I’m about to give you one of the hardest homework assignments. Nothing in this class is something I haven’t done on my own. When I was asked to do this, outwardly I told my counselor, “Yep, I’ll do it.” But inside, I was terrified and put it off for three weeks.
Here is what I’m asking you to do:
Where did you most often go Inner Circle? Maybe it’s a bathroom. Maybe there is a place you find in the house, late at night. Pin point where you go Inner Circle the most often. This is a place where we listened to Evil’s lies the most.
You are going to pray over this place, and reclaim it, in the Name of Jesus, as a Holy Place. Evil is no longer allowed to own this part of your story, this place in your life.
You are not going to pray alone, you are going to invite your wife if you are married, or one of your parents or pastors if you are single. Together, you will pray.
If your spouse is too fragile for this, I still want you to do it, but make it less specific. Instead of the specific place you go Inner Circle, step back and pray outside over you whole house for example.
Here is what I want you to pray:
That Evil no longer has this place. It is not evil’s anymore. It is not allowed
Ask for God’s forgiveness, out loud, and embrace his forgiveness for you
God to Bless this place and turn it into a Holy Place
Thank Jesus for His work in your life on this journey
Embrace your Identity as God’s Adopted Son, loved and seen.
Pray this Blessing over the place of your Inner Circle:
Numbers 6: 24-25
The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.
3.3.6
Taking Off & Putting On
Taking Off Our old Love & Putting on A New Love
It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
Collisions 3: 9b-11
A Middle Circle Life
3.3.7
Taking Off & Putting On
“It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.”
A Healthy Life
Taking Off A Middle Circle Life
In the busyness of life, with all the pressures we face, getting lost in the Middle Circle is easy. Work, family, spouses, kids, serving, helping others… we can easily get lost in the Middle Circle. We used to live in the Middle Circle because we were afraid to confront going Inner Circle. And as a reminder; when you live in the Middle Circle (the busyness of life) it’s just a matter of time until you fall down into Inner Circle.
It's time to put to death living in the Middle Circle.
Maybe you feel you don’t deserve a healthy outer circle. Maybe you feel guilty for creating and protecting an outer circle.
I get this.
One Climber, Jason, was a leader on his worship team. On Sunday’s he lead worship. On Sunday night, he would spend hours finding just the right porn to help him self soothe before his week in the office. One meeting he recalled walking past his family in the kitchen, so he could hide in the basement, practice for worship, and eventually go Inner Circle.
On the surface, worship was Outer Circle, a healthy thing in his life. But he used it to escape and hide from his family and in his shame, he went Inner Circle. Jason had no healthy outter circle. His middle circle was self centered. And when he was alone, he would go Inner Circle.
Now that we have separated ourselves from going Inner Circle, it’s critical we die to our old ways of living and start new healthy patterns.
Putting On A Healthy Life
Work is good; God designed us to have a healthy Middle Circle.
A healthy middle circle is absolutely critical to living a healthy garden life. Work isn’t a result of the fall, it’s a part of God’s original design for our lives! Genesis 2: 15, “Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work the ground and care for it.” God created Adam with a job to do!
Each of us were created by God, uniquely, to do what only you can do. If we believe what Psalm 139 says about us, there is no one like you that has ever existed or will exist. Learning to work is a part of joining God in redeeming all creation.
How is God calling you to work better in the Middle Circle?
Do you struggle with laziness and need to work harder?
Do you struggle with control and need to empower others?
Do you struggle with motivation and need to inspired by worshiping God in the mundane?
Do you work too much?
Do you work too little?
Ask your spouse, close friends and family to help you understand if you are living a healthy middle circle.
You need rest:
The sabbath day is the 7th day of the week, a day of rest. God rested on the 7th day when He created All Things in Genesis 1 & 2. God wants us to rest after work. The scriptures tell us that God “blessed the Sabbath and made it Holy (Genesis 2: 1-3).”
Rest after work is a critical part to this. God made us for a purpose, and His Spirit isn’t with us in laziness. He’s designed us to work hard, in our jobs, families, communities as providers and caretakers . . . and in response to that hard work, rest is critical.
Sabbath is a Holy Day for remembering. Moses reminds Israel why the sabbath is so important in Deuteronomy 5: 15: “You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the Lord your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day.” While our bodies rest, our hearts have a moment to pause, remember our stories, reflect on God’s work in our lives and prepare us for the good work ahead of us in the next 6 days.
Taking a sabbath is about recharging your battery in a way that isn’t self absorbed, but healthy self care. Deuteronomy 5: 14 says about the sabbath, “that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you.” We all need rest, time to recharge.
This isn’t a self absorbed time where someone else carries your burdens as you rest. This is a time where you, aware of your surroundings and responsibilities, know how to stop, rest, reflect and and recharge in a healthy way.
For example, let’s say watching a fun movie is a way I relax and recharge. I can go alone, or I can take my son, daughter, wife or friend to join me. Our rest isn’t meant to be self-absorbed, it’s meant to recharge in a healthy beautiful way.
You need a healthy Outer Circle
Jason, who led the worship team, went through a major transformation as he walked away from going Inner Circle.
Jason, reporting to his group, had left leading in worship because he knew he had to focus on Climb29 and allowing Jesus to change him. After 2 years, Jason, a changed man, slowly started to join the worship ministry.
He got a group of men from his church to practice together, encourage each other and lead worship. Jason began to see that leading worship didn’t have to be something toxic and self centered in his life, it could be a place of joy, healing and growth.
Jason used to walk past his family to hide in the basement to protect his “outter circle” but it wasn’t a real outer circle that gave life. It was a self centered time that lead him to Inner Circle each time.
But now, after the Spirit’s work in Jason’s life, he no longer walks past his family to hide in the basement. Outer Circle is so much more beautiful for Jason now.
It’s time with his wife that he protects. Where they can get away, listen to each other, and be romantic.
Its time with his kids that he protects. Where he can focus on them, helping his wife, and playing with them.
It’s time with music that he protects. Where he can focus on being creative, have fun practicing new songs and keeping the focus on God and not himself.
Jason used to fight for alone time, a fake outer circle. Now, he and his wife see the need to protect a healthy outer circle that gives life to the family, not taking life from it for our own.
What does outer circle look like for you?
3.3.7
Taking Off & Putting On
Taking Off A Middle Circle Life & Putting on A Healthy Life
It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
Collisions 3: 9b-11
