A rigid home has excessive rules and regulations. Here, a parent rules the family with an iron fist, but they are not complaint to anyone.

Rigid family systems see everything as a black or white issue. Even in a complex choice; rigid families make dogmatic decisions that benefit those in authority.

Healthy families are like barriers around the Grand Canyon. The point is to keep you from dying, but expand the possibility of play. But imagine a 12 foot wall around the Grand Canyon. It would keep you safe; but also stop you from exploring and playing. Rigid family systems don’t experience much play or fun.  Family is order. When order is broken there is conflict.

You either comply (golden child) or depart (black sheep)

Men who grew up with strict fathers are more likely to develop fantasies of power over women.

If we were powered over; we tend to see to have power.

Rigidity leads to anger because you are constantly exposed to the misuse of power or hypocrisy of those who have authority.

When you are exiled (black sheep) or powerless (the golden child) be on high alert for anger. If you don’t know what to do with this anger it’s going to be like a tropical storm entering the warm waters of the Caribbean. A hurricane is going to ensure. You are going to destroy something very important to you. 

Pornography appeals to so many of us because it gives us an arena to reclaim power. On the Internet you can have whatever you want.

Sherpa:
Share story of a Strict Family ages 5-17

Discuss, thinking about when you were 0-17 years old:

• Were your parents strict? If so, how?

• Did you see this with your dad? If so, how?

• Did you see this with your mom? If so, how?

• How did this make you feel? When you look back, how does it make you feel now?

Disengaged what happens when a parent chooses to withdraw physically or emotionally from their children’s lives.

If you grew up in a disengaged home, you have a profound sense that you are not prepared for the world.

Children from disengaged homes find that life is found outside of the family.

The connection you do feel with your family often comes through performance.  If you are making good grades, taking your vitamins, there is a connection. But when a real emotion comes you are left alone.

When you faced a difficult struggle did your parents care?

Children who desired more involvement from their mothers and fathers were more likely to have adults touch them inappropriately.

Disengagement sets the stage for harm.

As we developed, the normal sexual desires we felt growing up got corrupted. We allow our desire for sex to become the ultimate counterfeit for real affection. Instead of pursing the holistic experience of love that includes emotional, spiritual and physical union we seek out people for the sex they can offer us.

However, when this happens, the pain of not being loved is fused with a lust for sex. The longer that hunger goes unmet, the more entitled and desperate we feel to meet it.

Your anger born out of a rigid family or disengaged family must go somewhere.

I want you to be REALLY curious about your anger and lust.

Your lust is revealing a deeper desire for belonging. And your anger is revealing your radar for injustice.

When you study these, they will guide you out of these toxic seas.

Sherpa:
Share story of a Disengaged Family ages 5-17

Discuss, thinking about when you were 0-17 years old:

• Were your parents disengaged? If so, how?

• Did you see this with your dad? If so, how?

• Did you see this with your mom? If so, how?

• How did this make you feel? When you look back, how does it make you feel now?

1. Deprivation

2. Disassociation

3. Futility

4. Lust

5. Anger

Case Study: Ravi Zacharias

Zacharias used tens of thousands of dollars of ministry funds dedicated to a “humanitarian effort” to pay four massage therapists, providing them housing, schooling, and monthly support for extended periods of time, according to investigators.

One woman told the investigators that “after he arranged for the ministry to provide her with financial support, he required sex from her.” She called it rape.

She said Zacharias “made her pray with him to thank God for the ‘opportunity’ they both received” and, as with other victims, “called her his ‘reward’ for living a life of service to God,” the report says. Zacharias warned the woman—a fellow believer—if she ever spoke out against him, she would be responsible for millions of souls lost when his reputation was damaged.

Source: Christianity Today

Discuss:

• What toxic feelings do you see working in Ravi to act out?

• This behavior is really extreme, how do you suppose this happened to someone so famous?

• How do you think Ravi was able to be so active in ministry, and simultaneously so actively sinning?

• What lessons do you hear for yourself in this story?

When our “needs” go unmet, the discouragement and disappointment make us want to escape.

You see on Facebook that your friends went away for the weekend and you weren’t invited, so you binge on Netflix and online shopping for a weekend. Or you finished a big project at work, and you deserve to break your diet for a massive dinner and treats. At first, these are so called “Guilty Pleasures”; but for those of us with unwanted sexual desires, these are ritualized forms of escape that function as a gateway drug to more destructive sexual behaviors.

After you indulge in one behavior that you don’t feel good about; the likelihood of doing a greater 2nd or 3rd greatly increases.

We start with a milder form of escape, and a milder version of judgment against ourselves.

The difference between a healthy escape and a dissociation lies in the reason behind WHY you are doing them and how much delight they offer.

The self-contempt you feel after dissociation leads to a greater need for an escape, of your previous bad choice.

When you deprive yourself of things that could be good for you, it reinforces feelings that make us want to escape.

Once we have established a routine of escape, we eventually believe we are undeserving of anything good. Which sets the stage for more Deprivation.

Deprivation and dissociation are self-perpetuating and self-reinforcing.  When do you tell yourself you are undeserving? What escapes you choose? Overworking? Eating? Drinking?

Discussion:

1. How do you deprive yourself? Why?

2. What is something you deprive yourself of?

And when we deprive ourselves, this promotes entitlement, but then, when you are ashamed of your entitled choices, you won’t choose what is truly good for you because you don’t feel like you deserve it and you really could be loved.

Most people with unwanted sexual behavior suffer with self-care: exercise, eating well, time with friends, Sabbath days. You roam through life feeling overworked or under appreciated, which then sets us up to demand what we believe we deserve.

Discussion:

1. How do you see going Inner Circle as Entitlement? Why?

2. What is something you feel entitled to? Why?

The sabbath day is the 7th day of the week, a day of rest. God rested on the 7th day when He created All Things in Genesis 1 & 2. God wants us to rest after work. The scriptures tell us that God “blessed the Sabbath and made it Holy (Genesis 2: 1-3).”

Rest after work is a critical part to this. God made us for a purpose, and His Spirit isn’t with us in laziness. He’s designed us to work hard, in our jobs, families, communities as providers and caretakers . . . and in response to that hard work, rest is critical.

Sabbath is a Holy Day for remembering. Moses reminds Israel why the sabbath is so important in Deuteronomy 5: 15: “You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the Lord your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day.” While our bodies rest, our hearts have a moment to pause, remember our stories, reflect on God’s work in our lives and prepare us for the good work ahead of us in the next 6 days.

Taking a sabbath is about recharging your battery in a way that isn’t self absorbed, but healthy self care. Deuteronomy 5: 14 says about the sabbath, “that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you.” We all need rest, time to recharge.

This isn’t a self absorbed time where someone else carries your burdens as you rest. This is a time where you, aware of your surroundings and responsibilities, know how to stop, rest, reflect and and recharge in a healthy way.

For example, let’s say watching a fun movie is a way I relax and recharge. I can go alone, or I can take my son, daughter, wife or friend to join me. Our rest isn’t meant to be self-absorbed, it’s meant to recharge in a healthy beautiful way.

Discussion:

1. How do you deprive yourself? Why?

2. What is something you deprive yourself of?

Lust is desire gone mad.

Jesus says, when we lust we are adulterer’s. Why would Jesus be so extreme?

When you look at a woman and no one sees; we think this is harmless. But it’s not. When we are seduced into behaviors that don’t bring honor to God, ourselves, or others, something in us is compromised.

Jesus understood that lust has an endless degree of escalation options. When we covet, we become unfaithful to the wholeness Jesus desires us to experience.

Your core belief is that life won’t work out the way you it to. We lust after what we don’t have and we deeply value. Coveting isn’t taking something good, it’s stealing what is not yours to have.

Lust is proof that we are most focused on ourselves, it proves we are discontent and our identity in Christ is lost.

Lust forcefully takes affirmation; it doesn’t take it. It’s a warning sign that shows our security and worth are coming from another place.

For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.

Matthew 15: 19

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Matthew 5: 27-30

Sherpa’s Example:

I was recently at the gym and a girl took notice of me. I’ve never been someone who girls look at and pursue, so when it happens its obvious and feels very foreign to me. When this happened, I stayed away, prayed, and stayed on task with my work out partner. A few times she walked past me even after that, and the fact that she was showing interest was caused the smallest amount of pleasure in my heart. So small, that if I wasn’t someone who had climbed this mountain, I might not have even noticed. But I noticed. And I noticed that a part of me liked it. At the time, my wife and I had a fight. She was pulling away and there was distance between us. This small interaction showed me my insecurity before women, specifically my wife, my longing to be loved, and clear evidence that Jesus wasn’t enough for me. The proof my heart needed was in the small quick glances from this woman and the value I felt. God used her that morning to help me repent.

Climber’s Examples:

Does anyone want to share about a recent time you knew you were lusting?

• What was the story?

• Looking back, what do you think you didn’t have?

• Looking back, what did you value?

• Looking back, do you see where your security and worth might be coming from?

Discussion:

1. How is lust a part of you? What role does it play in your unwanted sexual behavior?

2. Can you think of a recent example of lust and its power over you?

I used to go Inner Circle all the time. It didn’t matter what day of the week; when I wanted it, I took it.

Once a month, on a regular basis, I would be in church and my pastor would go up front, take a cloth off a table and show communion. Communion. The guilt, the exposure, I hated myself when I saw that table. Here I was, a follower of Jesus, and that morning I woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was go Inner Circle.

My pastor would encourage me to pray, ask forgiveness, and come to the cross. But instead of repentance, I would hold my self in contempt, and berate myself in prayer.

I would pray, “God, how could I be so stupid? I’m such a mess. I hate I keep doing this. What’s wrong with me?”

All of these are fair questions to God, but below a simple word like “stupid” is a contempt for myself. A self loathing. A hatred of who I am. Instead of turning from my sin and turning toward Jesus, I looked inward, hated what I saw and was so full of anger towards myself. This anger didn’t push me to repent and change, it pushed me deeper into hiding.

How do we know the difference between contempt and repentance?

Contempt:

• Hatred of self, often seen by calling yourself names like “stupid”

• Hiding from others. No one will respect me, so I hide.

• Hiding from God. At times I would rather serve God than slow down and talk to him. I was afraid at times to read certain verses in the Bible that I know showed my failures.

Repentance:

• Seeing my sin clearly, with no excuses.

• Going to the cross, boldly, and being honest about my sin.

• Accepting Christ’s forgiveness, paid in full on the cross, and standing up, boldly, and forgiven.

• Allowing God and others to ask me questions about how I got here and why.

• Asking, and cooperating with the Spirit, to stop the broken pattern of sin that exists in my life and following through.

Discussion:

1. Do you hold yourself in contempt? How? What is a recent example?

2. Do you have a recent example of walking away from contempt and towards repentance? What was the difference between holding yourself in contempt vs repenting?

The see-saw of Lust and Contempt is a hard one to leave. And it shows us one thing clearly: our Identity in Jesus is hurting.

Ideally, we wake up, reflect on the day God has given us, this amazing story we find ourselves in, and enter the world not taking, but giving.

We are called to “put to death” the sin of lust and sexual immorality. It dies at the cross and we die with it. At the empty tomb is where we find a new hope and a new life. We can be different. Jesus just doesn’t forgive us: He transforms us!

If we are having a bad day: we can look up at the cross into our Identity in Jesus and see what really matters. We are loved, seen and known by the King of Kings. Our true needs have been met at the cross and empty tomb.

In the middle of Paul’s letter to the Corinthian Church he says this:

I do not want to seem to be trying to frighten you with my letters. For some say, “His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.

2 Corinthians 10: 10

But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

2 Corinthians 10: 17 & 18

If we are having a great day: we can look down, and see God’s amazing work in our stories. We know where we came from. We know we are broken. We know that we are miracles. My story humbles me and keeps me level, honest and real.

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3: 4-11

Discussion:

1. How do you deprive yourself? Why?

2. What is something you deprive yourself of?

The 5 Core feelings of being in the Cave

1. Deprivation

2. Dissociation

3. Futility

4. Lust

5. Anger

Any one of these are destructive; but together they are a category 5 hurricane.

How is anger and lust a part of your lagoon? What roles do they play in your unwanted sexual behavior.

Breaking the Addictive System is about noticing it, and starting new healthy behaviors. These stages don’t come naturally for any of us. We need to slow down, breathe deep, and notice it, name it, accept it, investigate it and address what is happening in our lives. This journey isn’t about stopping Inner Circle: It’s about facing evil, finding our Identity in Christ and becoming like Jesus!

How Does God see me? Finding My Identity In Christ.

I am God’s Amazing Design

When my counselor told me about my addictive system, I was broken. Instantly I knew every-word to be true. I didn’t know why yet. I didn’t fully understand how it came to be; but I knew it was true.

I am bad.
No one really loves me.
My needs won’t be met.
I need to take care of myself.

It’s time to go Inner Circle. Who cares?

My counselor looked at me and said, “God cares. He loves you John.”

I heard this my whole life and I politely listened. The next morning, I woke up, ready for my 4 hour commute, and brushed my teeth before I got into the shower. It was then I realized, I never look at myself in the eyes. Never. I look at my body. The parts that are doing well and the parts that aren’t. I look at my hair, my beard . . . but I never look in my eyes.

So I tried. And I didn’t like it.

I realized that I didn’t want to hear about God’s love for me. I didn’t really believe it. So, today, we are going to look at some pretty amazing verses, and slowly ask ourselves:

Do we really believe this about ourselves?

Psalm 139: 13-18

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of
the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in
your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

Before you breathed a single breath, God had all your days planned out. He created you. Designed you. Your nose, your hair, your personality, your gifts, strengths, quirks . . . everything that makes you you, God put there.

Discuss:

• Do you have a hard time believing these verses about yourself?

• What parts of you have you been ashamed of?

• What parts of you should you be proud of, but feel awkward saying out loud?

• Have the group share what they see, of God’s image and design, in you.

I Am seen, loved and fully forgiven.

On this journey, we repent and face our sin in Inner Circle so much, at times it’s hard to image how God puts up with us. It’s hard to actually believe that God sees us, loves us and fully forgives us.

We pray it. But do we believe it when we wake up and look in the mirror? Read these verses, together, slowly, and listen.

• Does God ignore our sin?

• What does God do when we confess?

• What does God do with our sins?

• How does God see you?

• How does God feel about you?

Psalm 103: 8-12

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions
from us.

Each time I repent, a dark voice inside of me whispers, “There is no way Jesus forgives you this time. It’s just too much.” Then I read and meditate on these verses, and watch as evil leaves the room, Jesus enters, sits down next to me like a Father, and I become alive. No longer hiding and afraid of who I am. Seen. Loved. Forgiven. And I stand up again and face evil.

Discuss:

• What did you see that Jesus does with our sin?

• What does God do when we confess?

• What does God do with our sins?

• How does God see you?

• How does God feel about you?

• How should this make us live differently?

I am God's masterpiece created to do good things.

Death sucks. I’ve seen it too much in my life. First my son in 2009, then my sister in 2018. Each of these people were stolen from me. But there is a deep truth in the unspeakable sadness that God has taught me: When I ache thinking about them, and I do, I ache because the image of God that each one of them had, is gone forever until Jesus comes back and raises them from the dead.

Think about it.

No two humans are a like. Billions of us. And each of us different. No one says to me, “I’m sorry you lost your sister Ashley, here is another one for you, they are the same.” Nope. Just one Ash. She was beautiful, loved Jesus, loved her husband and kids, and loved everyone she talked to. Thousands came to her funeral. She was stolen from all of us. We watched, as the image of God, uniquely displayed in Ashley, went dark.

We grieve, because we saw Jesus in Ashley. And that image is gone.

The beauty for me and you is that we have that image too. I am made unique. You are too. Each of us is. When we die, and we will, God image, as uniquely shown through our personality and stories, will die with us. It will never appear again until Jesus returns and raises us from the dead.

Ashley, was created by God, uniquely, to do good works that Jesus created for her to do. And she did it. She crossed into Heaven in full glory.

I too, am created by God, uniquely, to do good works that Jesus has created for me to do. And I’m doing it by writing these words now. One day, I too, will cross into Heaven, in full glory.

But here is where you need to be challenged: Do you believe these words about yourself? Do you see how God has made you, unique, to reflect His glory? You are God’s handiwork, not a mistake. He has prepared something for you to do! Are you doing it? Are you moving towards it? What is he calling you to do?

Do you believe this?

Ephesians 2: 8-10

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Discuss:

• Do you believe these words about yourself?

• Do you see how God has made you, unique, to reflect His glory?

• You are God’s handiwork, not a mistake. He has prepared something for you to do! Are you doing it? Are you moving towards it? What is he calling you to do?

• Do you believe this?

I am God's Adopted son.

If the President is speaking in the Rose Garden, and I wanted to stand next to him while he gave a speech to show my support of him, and I ran at him, full speed to be near him, how far would I make it?

Not far.

I might even be shot and killed trying.

But let’s say I was his little son, watching, from inside the White House. And I missed him, and wanted to be near him. I open the door, and walk to him. How far would I make it?

The secret service know me. They even step aside and help me, because they know what the president wants: his son.

I am family.

I belong.

I get to stand next to him.

It’s my right, because he is my father.

Now, be quiet for a moment. If this was true, you would feel amazing about yourself. Even brag, “I’m the presidents son.” Think about this: We are God’s Adopted Sons. The Creator of ALL THINGS choose me and you. We are His. He picked us. I am his, because He choose me.

Read this slowly and let it sink in. Do you believe this?

Ephesians 1: 4-6

Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.

Discuss:

• Do you live as an Orphan or an Adopted Son?

• Do you see how much God loves you in this passage? How???

• If you are truly God’s Adopted Son, what does this mean?

Start to Complete Your Garden Thinking Prayer Card

Breaking the Addictive System is about noticing it, and starting new healthy behaviors. These stages don’t come naturally for any of us. We need to slow down, breathe deep, and notice it, name it, accept it, investigate it and address what is happening in our lives. This journey isn’t about stopping Inner Circle: It’s about facing evil, finding our Identity in Christ and becoming like Jesus!

Turn from Evil

Faith: I look behind me & see my True needs have been met

When my counselor told me about my addictive system, I was broken. Instantly I knew every-word to be true. I didn’t know why yet. I didn’t fully understand how it came to be; but I knew it was true.

I am bad.
No one really loves me.
My needs won’t be met.
I need to take care of myself.

It’s time to go Inner Circle. Who cares?

My counselor looked at me and said, “God cares. He loves you John.”

I heard this my whole life and I politely listened. The next morning, I woke up, ready for my 4 hour commute, and brushed my teeth before I got into the shower. It was then I realized, I never look at myself in the eyes. Never. I look at my body. The parts that are doing well and the parts that aren’t. I look at my hair, my beard . . . but I never look in my eyes.

So I tried. And I didn’t like it.

I realized that I didn’t want to hear about God’s love for me. I didn’t really believe it. So, today, we are going to look at some pretty amazing verses, and slowly ask ourselves:

Do we really believe this about ourselves?

Psalm 139: 13-18

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of
the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in
your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

Before you breathed a single breath, God had all your days planned out. He created you. Designed you. Your nose, your hair, your personality, your gifts, strengths, quirks . . . everything that makes you you, God put there.

Discuss:

• Do you have a hard time believing these verses about yourself?

• What parts of you have you been ashamed of?

• What parts of you should you be proud of, but feel awkward saying out loud?

• Have the group share what they see, of God’s image and design, in you.

Turning from Evil Prayer Card