Where Have I come From?

3.2.2 

remembering Shalom in our Stories

God’s intention: Shalom

Shalom is a Hebrew word, used by the Jewish people. You may have heard it before. When we hear it today, it’s normal translation is “peace”.

However, Shalom isn’t the absence of war or conflict (peace) it’s the experience of flourishing. When Jewish people greet and leave each other with “Shalom” it doesn’t mean peace. Shalom is so much more beautiful than that. In Genesis 1 & 2, we see how God INTENDED the world to be like. We see a world where we walked with God. We knew ourselves and our purpose. We were naked. We were with other people. God even goes out of his way to describe what WASN’T in the garden: Shame. No shame! Everything was how God intended it to be in the Garden of Eden.

This is Shalom means: “ May you experience life today the way God intended the world to be”. It’s beautiful.

Cornelius Plantinga Jr describes Shalom as “the way things were meant to be.”

Shalom in the Bible

In the story of the Bible, after Genesis 3, there are countless stories of sin, heartbreak and longing as God tells us the story of Israel. But there, in the middle of the tragic story of Israel turning it’s back on God, there are moments that are small and point us to the a greater beauty yet to come. That, even though there is pain all around us: Shalom is still possible.

• When the dove returns to the ark with a leaf in it’s mouth after Noah and his family experiened the awful flood:

  • Genesis 8: 12 “And the dove came back to him in the evening, and behold, in her mouth was a freshly plucked olive leaf. So Noah knew that the waters had subsided from the earth.”

• When the Ark opens God, Noah and his family all have a moment of Shalom together, as God makes the first rainbow appear and says this:

  • Genesis 9: 13-17: Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him, “I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14 When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.” God said to Noah, “This is the sign of the covenant that I have established between me and all flesh that is on the earth.”

• When Sarah and Abraham were almost 100 years old when they finally gave birth to their son, Isaac. God promised they would have a son and the older they grew the more hopeless they became. Until they were 100 and this happened:

  • Genesis 21: 5-7: Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him. And Sarah said, “God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh over me.” And she said, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.”

• When Jacob had stolen to many things from his brother Esau: his birthright, his Blessing and his inheritance. Jacob, the deceiver, took it all from Esau. As a result, Jacob was in hiding because Esau wanted to kill him. But as Jacob got older, it was time to return home and face his sins. He was petrifired of what Esau would do to him. Jacob, sent gift after gift after gift ahead of him to prepare Esau. But Jacob wasn’t ready for the Shalom that Esau gave him:

  • Genesis 33: 4 - 11: But Esau ran to meet him and embraced him and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. And when Esau lifted up his eyes and saw the women and children, he said, “Who are these with you?” Jacob said, “The children whom God has graciously given your servant.” Then the servants drew near, they and their children, and bowed down. Leah likewise and her children drew near and bowed down. And last Joseph and Rachel drew near, and they bowed down. Esau said, “What do you mean by all this company that I met?” Jacob answered, “To find favor in the sight of my lord.” But Esau said, “I have enough, my brother; keep what you have for yourself.” Jacob said, “No, please, if I have found favor in your sight, then accept my present from my hand. For I have seen your face, which is like seeing the face of God, and you have accepted me. Please accept my blessing that is brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough.” Thus he urged him, and he took it.

• After Moses died, Joshua took Israel into the promised land. This is after generations of wandering in the desert, following God and bertraying God. Finally, they are in the promised land and Joshua tells us that they are no longer living off the Manna that God provided in the Desert, but they get to eat Fruit raised from the land:

  • Joshua 5: 12: And the manna ceased the day after they ate of the produce of the land. And there was no longer manna for the people of Israel, but they ate of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year.

• When the Ark of the Covenant was taken by the Philistines, it was as if God Himself had been taken away because of Isreal’s sin. King David fought to get it back and they won. When King David was brining the Ark back to Israel it was one of the greatest moments of his life:

  • 2 Samuel 6: 14-15: And David danced before the Lord with all his might. And David was wearing a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting and with the sound of the horn.

Discuss:

• What moment(s) of Shalom from the Bible do you remember?

Shalom in Jesus

The story of Jesus, the whole story, is about Shalom coming to Israel.

• The Birth of Jesus is one for the every child’s imagination: stars, angels, singing, wisemen, animals, presents, celebration, joy . . . the Christmas story is amazing! What a memory it was for Mary who said this later in her life. Mary told Luke the story that he wrote in the Book of Luke. In her words she told him:

  • Luke 2 15-20: When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” 16 And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.

• Jesus came and gave hope to the hopeless. Jesus’ best friend and cousin growing up, John the Baptist, waiting to be executed felt hopeless. He was in prison when he began to feel overcome with sadness and wanted hope. He sent his friends to go ask Jesus a question:

  • Luke 7: 22-23: And he answered them, “Go and tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by me.”

• And probably, my favorite story of Shalom in the Bible, when Mary is outside of the tomb of Jesus. Jesus is dead. Mary’s world is gone. She has nothing left but grief after she watched him slowly die and buried him. And now, someone has done a horrible thing and stolen his body. This story is the greatest moment in her life. It’s the greatest moment in History. Jesus is alive and Mary was the first one he talked to.

  • John 20 11-16: Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

    They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”

    “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” 14 At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

    He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

    Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

    Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

    She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).

• And finally, one day, Jesus give us all a moment of Shalom together. When Jesus returns this is what God tells us we are all going to experience:

  • Revelation 21: 3-4: And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Discuss:

• What moment(s) of Shalom from the Jesus do you remember? From the Bible or from your own story?

remembering Shalom in our Stories

Remembering stories of Shalom is hard, but so important. Sometimes, when hard things happen to us, we can forget the beautiful things that were once there, but maybe got lost.

Just a few weeks ago I went off-roading in Shamokin Pa. I had an amazing time. It was my first time in Shamokin, and that town was so sad to be in. 100 years ago, it was a massive town, with lots of people and success. It was a mining town and it was a flourishing community. But as mining has decreased, the town has collapsed. When you walk downtown you can see what was once a great city, but now, is a sad place of unemployment and great loss. You can feel it driving through town. Homes that were once great are marked with large “X” signs. The city too poor to take them down and everyone gets to watch them fall down in slow motion. A symbol of their own lives. It’s easy to get lost in the sadness. How can you not?

But in the middle of town is my friend Jeremy’s mom. She invited us over.

Jeremy’s childhood home, still cared for, still decorated for Halloween, smelling of fresh bread, canned jellys and lots of great pasta. Jeremy’s mom burst into laughter when she saw us and made us coffee immediately. She was so proud of her kids, her home, and proof of her kids all over the house: paintings and pictures. Memories were pouring out of her amazing home.

Jeremy and I were able to squeeze out from under her tsunami of food and back into the car where Jeremy said, “I love Shamokin and I love my family.”

Jeremy was overwhelmed with amazing childhood memories that he couldn’t stop sharing in our 2 day off roading trip.

Before we talk about Evil trying to ruin our stories, it’s important to remember and rest in Shalom. Times when we look back and we can actually feel the hand of God loving us, caring for us and longing to provide for us.

One of my greatest memories of Shalom is a simple one. My Pop-Pop was a wealthy man. He was also a Godly man. And he was very funny. I remember one day at preschool, Pop-Pop was going to pick me up. I remember being excited. And I remember seeing his Gold colored Porsche 911 waiting for me. I GOT to drive home with Pop-Pop. I got ride front seat. I got to feel the Porsche turn on and blast forward. I got to hear Pop-Pop laugh. And, as 1 of 6 kids, most importantly, I got my Pop-Pop all to myself. It is my favorite memory of Shalom.

These moments, can’t be lost. They need to be remembered. God is in them. God is in Shamokin. God is in the Porsche. God is in these stories, showing us a place of safety, a place of home and a place where we are safe, secure and full of hope.

What are your stories?

Sherpa:
Share story of Shalom ages 0-12

Discuss:

• Think about when you were 0-12 years old. What is a place of Shalom for you? What stories come to mind?

• Think about when you first remember grasping being a follower of Jesus and giving your life to him. How was that a time of Shalom in your life?

Homework

• Story Writing: Find a place to be quiet and not rushed. Please don’t save this work until the last minute. Give yourself time to reflect and think. , Think of a time(s) from ages 0-12 when you felt “Shalom” a sense of powerful beauty. When you look back and you can almost smell the beauty of the moment. When you write your story/stories, type it out like it’s a movie and try to remember all the details you can. What happened? What did it feel like? What sticks out to you the most?

  • Think about when you were 0-10 years old. What is a moment of Shalom you can share with the group? What do you feel? What makes it special looking back? Write the story down and share it with the group next week.

  • Think about when you first remember grasping being a follower of Jesus and giving your life to him. How was that a time of Shalom in your life? What do you feel? What makes it special looking back? Write the story down and share it with the group next week.

• Scripture Meditation:

  • Joshua 5: 12
    Joshua 5: 12: And the manna ceased the day after they ate of the produce of the land. And there was no longer manna for the people of Israel, but they ate of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year.

3.2.4

In What Kind of Family Were You raised?

My relationship to pornography was not random. It was a direct reflection of the parts of my childhood that remained unaddressed. Pornography highlighted the ways I tried to make life work in response to how I grew up. None of us are here to blame our childhood; yet in our childhood, we all experienced brokenness that helped to open the door for pornography and for it to feel as good as it does. We were created to feel safe and known, and any small amount of brokenness can open the door for us to find a counterfeit version of comfort.

The main question we are asking in the next two weeks is:
What was the family environment that you grew up in that helped set the stage for your addiction to pornography?

In this time together, let’s keep in mind that we need to remember we are honoring our families by being honest about how we were raised. No one, and i mean, no one, was raised perfectly. We aren’t blaming our families, but rather, we are taking a step back to understand the context evil used to make porn and Inner Circle such a hard battle for us.

In this next section we will explore different family systems that lead us into The Cave.

10 Types of Toxic Family Systems

Looks Good On Paper

This family's major focus is controlling image and avoiding feelings at all costs. Feelings like shame, problems with the kids, and problems in the marriage are all hidden. This family does not do feelings. In fact, more energy goes into covering up feelings than the energy it would take to actually address them.

Some traits and examples:

• In authenticity, that other people in the community don't pick up on, meaning that the family is seen as super legit, super has it together.

• People don't notice the dysfunction underneath. A family like this can be meticulous about the yard, but they will cover things up like a really unhappy marriage. There's a lot of energy that goes into covering up messy things in the family, like teenagers acting out. No one talks about the drunk uncle or the affair. So there's lots of secrets, lots of pretending or putting things away.

• Values are usually heavily rooted in one station in life: going to the right school, becoming a doctor, looking perfect, image and status. There can also be a vibe of looking down upon mediocre professions, mediocre schools, artists, looking down upon the secular, looking down upon the non-secular. It just doesn't matter.

• This family also perceives having problems as weakness. Parents of this family want to be seen as contributing members of society or they want to seem like good church people, but their inner life can be a disaster.

How would this effect you?

This system is rigid and oppressive. Everyone in the family must look a certain way, behave a certain way, and perform a certain way. Kids in these families tend to struggle with their own identity, authenticity, and spontaneity. If they make mistakes, disappoint others, or fall short of perfection in any way, they can succumb to anger or depression. Kids in this family system may become overachievers, compare themselves to others, or have difficulty relaxing or having fun. If you grew up in this family system, can you name the things your family focused on? Were any issues, problems, or short-comings swept under the rug to protect the image of the family?

Ships in the Night

This family is centered upon neglect and disconnection within the marriage and the family as a whole.

Some Examples:

• Kids go to boarding school and there's not connection.

• The parents seem to be living separate lives.

• Parents are more engaged in work, their own friendships outside of the family, or have secret lives rather than being invested in their marriage and their kids

• Kids might be raised by grandparents. They may get more parenting from their friends’ parents.

How would this effect you?

• Kids can feel like the parents are actual strangers. In adulthood, those raised in a family system like this most likely are going to struggle with intimacy on several levels.

• Connection, intimacy and vulnerability can feel foreign.

• Being neglected and disconnected from others feels like the norm. Kids from this family system may have a low bar about what to expect from others.

The Anti-Love Family

The anti-love family is in a total deficit of affection, appreciation, warmth and camaraderie. It is often rooted in contempt and disgust for some, if not all, the family members. There is a betrayal of love. Kids are the recipients of contempt from their parents. Parents may be mentally ill or have self-hate from their own unresolved trauma. There is bitterness and nastiness in this family.

Some Examples:

• You're bullied at school, you come home and the message is, What do you want me to do about it? That is contempt or anti-love. There is a lack of listening, understanding and compassion.

• Vulnerability is frowned upon or teased. Parents may find their kid’s vunerability or sensitivity laughable.

• Sentiments like, you don't need any help. Your life is perfect.

• There can also be sadistic enjoyment when someone is failing. Parents in these systems lack responsibility about raising kids. They are totally narcissistically removed from their kids.

• How would this effect you?

• There's a thick message in a family like this, “If I'm miserable, you're going to be miserable.” There is a personal attack. Kids who grow up in this heartbreak may become detached and cold towards others or painfully sensitive. In adulthood, those who grew up in this family system may expect similar treatment from friends, romantic relationships and bosses. They may be confused by kindness, love, and compassion directed towards them. They may not feel that they are a lovable person.

• In adults who grow up like this usually struggle with expecting similar treatment from friends and partnerships and bosses. That's what I mean by that. They are also usually confused with kindness, someone who comes from a family system like this and really struggle taking in that they're lovable, because that would spark off a lot of grief about what it was actually like. So the thing to process this, the recovery idea or the thing to work on in therapy is the betrayal of love and responsibility by holding the parents accountable for not doing anything about their own highly toxic stuff.

• The person would have to also spend some time trying to buy into the concept of love and that they're lovable. And what I mean about that first part is growing up in a family system like this is like, there's really the betrayal of like, Yeah, I'm your mom, but I also have contempt and disgust for you. That's a betrayal and holding the parents accountable for that they caused that, is what I mean.

Chaos Family

Chaotic families, as the name implies, have few rules, or may change rules at a whim or mood of the parents. Behavior which may cause punishment to be enforced at one time could be overlooked at other times. Chaotic homes often look chaotic, as there is no set place for certain things. Meals may be at any time with different family members eating different foods, grazing, or getting their own. Many families can become chaotic for a time if one parent, usually the mother, becomes very ill and no-one steps up. This chaos may be imposed by the long-term illness, or emotional dependence of a parent or child, or be “inherited” in that both parents came from homes like this and see that as normal. Neglect of children’s physical and emotional needs is possible, especially if the family is also extremely disengaged. Sibling incest is possible in such families, because parental responsibility is limited; either or both parents may suffer from depression, or may be so involved in activities outside the home so that what goes on in the home is not noticed.

Some Examples:

• There could be multiple moves. Parents may split up and get back together repeatedly. One parents disappears for a time without explanation. There could be multiple affairs.

• There could be severe poverty. Family functions in survival mode.

• There can be a lot of broken promises. The family is weirdly familiar with the fast moving, chaotic changes so much that they assume that that's how life is.

• It can also be domestically chaotic. A total loss of basics for children, such as clean laundry, consistent schooling, stable food, and other basic needs.

How would this effect you?

• In adulthood, those from this family system may struggle with shame. They may try to get their needs met from other people, such as friends, teachers, work superiors, etc.

• Adults who grow up like this may struggle with moving into an apartment and actually unpacking, because establishing themselves or establishing an apartment is something that they don't necessarily know how to do because they're so familiar with chaos.

• Due to chaotic living, merely surviving and disassociation are ways to cope with life.

Toxic Divorce

Divorce may have many effects on children, including social withdrawal, attachment issues, and behavioral problems. Children of divorce are also at increased risk of mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression, interpersonal relationship difficulties, and unwanted health outcomes in adulthood.

Some Examples

• Kids are brainwashed about one parent due to the other parent being very vindictive or mentally off.

• There can also be step parents in the mix who are introduced. And shortly after a step parent is introduced to one of the one or parents, and that there's even now more abuse because that step parent is toxic.

• There could also be that it's simply that there was no processing of the divorce at all. It doesn't have to be nasty co-parenting or anything, but there's just no discussion. It's a little bit like, well, dad's movingout, we're moving out. We're moving on. Who wants to go to Chuck-E-Cheese, and it's a surreal experience that no one is processing this big, huge life event.

How might this effect you?

• Children in these scenarios are often asked to choose sides, sometimes directly and verbatim, or sometimes that's super indirect, like through parent alienation.

• Even if a step parent is a good person, kids feel like they're betraying their biological parents by establishing a relationship with the step. And kids also absorb the vibes of, say, a bitter parent because children are heart based and they will absorb the resentment of this parent as a way to align with them and to take care of them. And what the cost is, is that the relationship with the other parent is greatly compromised because of that. So it's really important for co-parents and divorced parents to not talk poorly about the other parent.

• Hopefully, we know that more now. In adulthood, people who come from this family system are most likely going to struggle with trust and intimacy. They are going to have issues about not feeling protected, like dad marries an evil step mom and they're not protective. That's where that triggering, and accountability, and rage comes from, which might go on our partners.

• Adults who come from these systems like this also really struggle with taking sides. They may also have a big body reaction if there's conflict, even if they're not involved in that conflict. A classic thing is like coworker A and B, they're having a fight. And if you're a child of divorce, that can really unravel you even though it doesn't involve you. Our inner children may secretly feel deep down, this is a big issue that I talk about with my clients, that loving relationships are a lie, that healthy marriages aren't really true. And given their experience, you can see why.

Single Parent

Being a single parent when it's not by choice, I can't imagine how stressful that is. And I'm not saying that being a single parent is bad.

Some Examples:

• That there was codependency between the child and the parent because the parent treated the child as a confidant, as more like a friend, as more like a sister than it being like, I'm the adult parenting you. Kids growing up in this will have to make themselves totally selfless due to the stress of the parent being on their own. They are raising themselves. They are doing everything themselves, that a thing. And even that stuff can be like just non-fault circumstance stuff.

• Often there are way too many either boyfriends or girlfriends or step adults in this child's life without the parent really thinking about the impact of that on the child. That shows that the single parent might have lived in a very messy lifestyle or was potentially very immature and not protective. Even sadly, that the single parent may be extremely limited and it's super hard to hold them accountable, meaning that the single parent is like, I don't know how to drive. I don't know how that works. I'm not doing anything like that, really limited, and that the child would have to just make accommodations and figure out their life without those basic resources. This is hard, but I've often had clients who have a single parent who made their child out to be energy that's like, You ruined my life. That the child feels like such a burden. That message is coming from that toxic adult from a place of intense blame, blaming them for their existence, which is brutal. Adults who grew up like this can exhibit, I call it like a superhero complex to cover up the shame, or they were a superhero, making everything happen for this parent or making the system work.

How might this effect you?

• They will struggle with the void of the lost biological parent. It's rare that there was a connection there. They may feel like they struggle in life feeling that they're a burden to everybody or everything is their fault. They may feel like they ruin people or ruin situations. They may really struggling with holding others accountable.

Aggressor or Co-Dependant

This one is very common, very familiar. One of the parents is rageful, violent, toxic, has some cluster B stuff going on, or is substance addicted, and the other parent is codependent and doesn't protect or doesn't leave. I know that that's loaded and I know that that's complicated, but this is just looking at that system from how I see this.

Some examples.

• The kids witnessed the codependent avoid or try to make things work, even if that parent is being abused. So there's that witnessing of all that. Kids will take care of the co-dependent, and that co-dependent parent may allow that caretaking to happen. The abusive or the aggressor usually holds things hostage, like the money, the job, the house, which is a really rageful, really oppressive system issue. The system is usually locked in dancing around the aggressor's feelings, and the codependent parent is probably teaching that dancing.

• Kids witness a toxic power struggle, like coming back to if I asked a client, what did your parents model for you? This family is modeling that relationships are a power struggle or a hostage crisis or both. That's what I mean about that concept. And for adults who grow up in a system like this, they will struggle with trust. They most likely what I see hold a lot of internal rage about accountability, about people not being protective, that a thing. They can find themselves in co-dependent relationships themselves. They can be very familiar with toxic people. They can be very triggered about not feeling protected or heard from their partner.

How might this effect you?

• That's where all the rage goes to that should be going to that co-dependent parent. And the thing to process or some things to process in this one in your healing journey or recovery is that it's usually the co-dependent parent that we're going to be needing to do most of the work on. We might see them as a victim. We might see them as a tragic figure. We might have seen them as doing their best. But there is a lot of work to do with the safer parent because it's almost like the aggressor is a no brainer. Hopefully, that makes sense, meaning it's so loud and obvious that that person is toxic that we don't need to figure it out so much. But there is a lot of wounding that happens with the aggressor. But again, most of my clients have to do their work, a lot of work around the co-dependent parent.

Rigid Family

Rigid families have very strict rules about conduct and behavior. Often both parents, but sometimes just one parent, is an autocrat and all decisions are referred to and punishments handed out by him/her. In some rigid families, other family members may live in fear of the autocrat, and physical, but certainly emotional abuse is a possibility. Rigid homes tend to have a clinical look, with a place for everything and everything in its place. Meal times are usually, or exactly, at the same time every day, sometimes with a set menu for different days. Meals may be eaten in silence, with only the parents speaking, or following a format set by the parents e.g. a conversation about a particular topic perhaps between the main and second courses. Occasionally, families may be rigid in emotional structure, but not visually so. Physical abuse is possible in such families. Most rigid families would not see themselves as rigid, but as traditional or structured.

Enmeshed Family

Enmeshment is most prevalent in parent-child relationship dynamics. Parents who wish to exert control over their children create various spoken and unspoken rules that govern children’s beliefs and behavior. These restrictions can follow children into adulthood, and parents may find it intolerable if an adult child strays from this narrowly defined path. Adult children who decide to deviate from established family norms may encounter extreme resistance, emotional abuse, manipulation, and guilt from other family members.

Parents in enmeshed families often rely on their children for emotional support, expect them to live nearby, and pursue a specific career trajectory. If you grew up in an enmeshed relationship, you may feel like you do not get to make independent life decisions because your parents place unreasonable expectations on you to follow in their footsteps or live out their unfulfilled ambitions. You might also lack a well-defined sense of self or have trouble maintaining stable relationships due to family enmeshment.

Signs of an Enmeshed Family

Enmeshed families tend to look to each other for support and solutions to problems, instead of turning to “outsiders.” This habit may stunt their growth as individuals because they often don’t learn healthy communication or conflict resolution skills.

Parents from enmeshed families might put unfair burdens on their children, starting from a young age. Children grow up with the implied message that they should feel ashamed for wanting to prioritize their needs. Other red flags of enmeshment include:

• A lack of privacy between parents and children

• Parents expecting children to be their best friends and always confiding in them

• Children receiving praise for maintaining the family’s status quo

• Parents being overly involved in the child’s life

Disengaged / Emotionally Detached Family

Disengaged families live more like people sharing a house than a family. They have strong boundaries separating individuals from each other and a diffuse boundary around the family unit. From late childhood or early teenage years, children may come and go, sometimes without parents being aware of it. Visitors, sometimes even house guests, also may come and go without some family members being aware of them. Parents may not be aware of where some older children are. Personal pursuits are one’s own; there may be encouragement from a parent if the pursuit happens to overlap with the parent. Family functions may or may not be attended, depending on the individual’s desire. Children may be encouraged to pursue their own career goals or not, sometimes assisted by the parents or not. Those with a diary would assume that others could probably not find it, especially if the family was also chaotic, let alone read it. The assumption would be that this was the property of the writer. The key message of this family could be, “ ;” there is no key message. In extreme cases of disengagement, especially where the parents may be involved in partying, alcohol or drugs, neglect of children is a possibility. Enmeshed families would see disengaged families as neglectful, but each group would see themselves as fairly normal. The most extreme version of a disengaged family I know of was a couple who had just discovered that their sixteen-year-old son had had his fourteen-year-old girlfriend living in his bedroom for two months without their knowledge. She used to come for dinner most nights, after which he would walk her home. The reality was that she climbed into his bedroom window and after an appropriate amount of time he would return from supposedly walking her home.

Discuss:

What broken family system (or systems) do you relate to? What was it like growing up in your house ages 8-18 years old?

How did Evil use this to distort how you saw yourself?

Homework

• Story Writing: Find a place to be quiet and not rushed. Please don’t save this work until the last minute. Give yourself time to reflect and think. When you write your story/stories, type it out like it’s a movie and try to remember all the details you can. What happened? What did it feel like? What sticks out to you the most?

  • What Family Dynamic Did You Have Growing Up?

    • Think about when you were 5-17 years old. What family dynamic do you relate to the most? If so, how? What single story comes to mind when you think about this dynamic? Write the story. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. This is your story, and each story is significant. What we are doing is shining a light on the kind of family environments that we grew up in and how we responded.

    • Did you see this with your dad? If so, how?

    • Did you see this with your mom? If so, how?

    • How did this make you feel? When you look back, how does it make you feel now?

• Scripture Meditation:

  • Ephesians 6:4
    "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

  • Colossians 3:13
    "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

  • 1 Peter 4: 8-11
    "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling."

3.2.6

How has Evil named you?

This lesson is one of the most important in The Cave. This is the lesson where we work to really nail down how Evil has named us and how Evil uses that pain to make look for healing in Inner Circle.

The main question we are asking this week is:
How has Evil named you? We are looking to really finalize the first two questions in your story.

1) You are _________.

2) Because you are _________ what will happen is __________.

3) Because of this your real needs will not be met.

4) Because your needs won’t be met, you need to take care of yourself.

My wife and I got into an argument a couple days ago. I don’t remember the argument at all. I’m sure if I sat down and really tried to remember it would come up. But the next day we were drinking coffee and I wanted to make sure she was doing ok from our argument. She said she was. But that night, she had a really bad dream of her step-dad abusing her. She said to me, “John, what happened to me as a kid will always be with me this side of Heaven. God has done a lot of great work in my life, but when we argue, even when it’s ok, I feel like that little helpless girl.”

Her honestly humbled me, and I relate to it. In a moments notice, someone can say somethign to me and instantly, I’m defending myself like I’m on the streets of Philly being yelled at by my dad. My dad was and is a great man, but evil used my story to create a narrative that I belived:

• I am Bad.

• No one will really love me.

• Becuase of this my needs won’t be met.

• Therefore, I have to take care of myself.

So I act out and go inner circle. Or I explode in anger to control a situation.

Examples to follow

Take the time, as much as you need, to go around the room and have each climber open up and put there story in this grid. Help each other understand how Evil used your stories to come up with how Evil has named you.

Homework

• Story Writing: Find a place to be quiet and not rushed. Please don’t save this work until the last minute. Give yourself time to reflect and think. When you write your story/stories, type it out like it’s a movie and try to remember all the details you can. What happened? What did it feel like? What sticks out to you the most?

  • What WAS your role in the family?

    • Think about a recent time when you lived out how Evil has named you. What happened to make you feel that way? What single story comes to mind when you think about you living in this role? Write the story. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. This is your story, and each story is significant. What we are doing is shining a light on the kind of family environments that we grew up in and how we responded.

    • How did this make you feel?