Cave Sex 3.3
Why do I stay in the cave?
20,500ft
God has replaced my “how” with “why”. I used to try everything I could to find a safe place to go inner circle. Now I ask, “why am I feeling this way?”
Dominic, Fellow Climber
At This Point In The Climb
By the end of 3.3 you should be able to not go Inner Circle for months. On this part of the journey, you should be able to send LifeLines and start to slow how often you go Inner Circle.
Goal:
No inner Circle In Months
It’s Time to Listen to your lust.
The time has come on this journey for us to share, in full confidence, what we search for online and the fantasies that we keep in our heads. When we go Inner Circle, each of us follows a narrative and that narrative is trying to correct something that is wrong and broken in our lives that we are trying to fix. Evil doesn’t want you asking questions and looking into these stories: evil just wants you to indulge.
But Jesus asks us, not to run, but to turn on the light in the darkest parts of our caves and ask questions about what we have been fantasizing about for so long.
This is where one of our most treasured scriptures in Climb29 comes to life:
“even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.”Psalm 139: 12
The fantasies we hide from ourselves: this isn’t hidden from Jesus. Jesus calls us to shine a light, to bring the very person of Jesus, full of Glory and Hope into the darkness of our hearts and shine a light. The darkness is dark to you and me; but to Jesus the darkness is a light. He is going to use this to help you see how Evil got a hold of you, keeps a hold on you, and how to speak against it as we leave the cave for good.
Ground Rules in this part of the cave
As always, what is shared here, stays here. No details are to be shared outside of the group.
It’s taken us a LONG time to get here. Mostly, because you need distance from going Inner Circle. If there isn’t distance, then what is shared here can really work against you when you hear other men share. It’s really important that you have started to stop going Inner Circle.
If what we open here is too hard for you, please be honest with your Sherpa. This may open up wounds or things that you may need to talk with a licensed professional. If this is the case, we strongly recommend reacting out to Jay Stringers Unwanted Journey for deeper help.
It’s time to shine a light on our Fantacies
Evil wants us to hide; Jesus is asking us to shine a light in what we have always kept hidden from others. In this next section we are going to hear three fantasy stories from others and give us the time to hear how God used these broken stories to help us see the Cave, name the Cave and leave the Cave behind.
Fantasy #1: John Miller’s most common fantasy
Here is John’s story of his most common fantasy in porn use. This is something that John looked up enough, that eventually he didn’t need to use porn anymore and used this image in his head when he took a shower before his long, 3 hour commute into work each day.
“My most common fantasy was a gentle woman, pretty, but normal looking, slowly taking her clothes off. Her goal was to tell me how happy she was to be with me, and what I looked for was someone who was tender and believable. I wanted to believe that she was sincere. She would approach me, take my pants off, get on her knees and proceed to give me a slow blow job. When I was close to climax, she was never afraid, and wanted to experience having my cum all over her. Then she would thank me and tell me again how wonderful I was when it was all over.”
John Miller
Discuss:
What themes to you hear in John’s most common fantasy?
John’s History:
John is 1 of 6 kids, in the middle. John was outgoing, loud, and often in trouble. He used comedy and humor to be seen. He was never good in school and often in trouble at home. At one point, he remembers being grounded from so much the only room in the house he was free was when he was in the bathroom. John was always in trouble. There was always something he was doing and getting yelled at. When John was 18 he moved off to college and never came back home, excited to leave the chaos behind.
John’s younger sister has extreme disabilities. Everyone loves his sister, but her extreme autism took all of his parents patience and energy. John was often left out, unseen, and yelled at for not doing things right.
In college John fell in love and became engaged. They messed around sexually a lot and she was his dream: highly sexual and highly affirming. He used her as a way for him to feel good about himself. She ended the relationship abruptly, broke the engagement, and John graduated alone.
In John’s depression, his fantasy about blow jobs increased and is what he tried to look for the most when he went Inner Circle.
Discuss:
What broken themes do you see in John’s story?
John’s Lessons:
On this journey John learned that his core view of himself was:
I am Bad
No one really loves me
My needs won’t be met
I have to take care of myself
John felt powerless. In his fantasy, he held all the power.
John learned in his home that he was bad. Bad kid. Bad grades. This is something that ran deep into his story. Always in trouble. Always too loud. Always the wrong person. John did little that he felt was done right.
John’s big family and sister with disabilities made him feel invisible, and unseen.
In college, John finally felt seen, and he believed this person loved him in the same way the women in the porn movies did. And when she left, all he was able to hear at the time was “John is bad, not worth it, no one will be able to love me.”
Discuss
How did John’s Fantasy specifically provide broken answers to his pain? How do you see his fantasy as something that is helping him “repair” his story?
What was John’s fantasy Trying to “Repair”?
He was being seen by someone. She was pretty, someone of value.
He was strong, attractive and powerful.
All of her attention was on him.
He was valued, cherished.
She had no regrets about being with me.
No part of me, however embarssing, was gross to her. She loves all of me.
Discuss
What is so broken about John’s fantasy? What isn’t true?
What was A Lie about John’s fantasy?
John wasn’t being seen by anyone. People were faking their love for him.
John was weaker, fragile and growing in self hatred.
He was afraid of real relationships.
There was no equality in his relationships, either John was in control or being controlled. He didn’t know how to love other or accept love from others.
John’s growing shame only contributed and reenforced to his view of himself: I am bad.
Discuss
What do you learn about yourself from this story? What is it that John needs to face in his own story? Where does Jesus want to shine a light?
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
Facing Evil Always starts out Overwhelming
I imagine the monster so big and so large, that when I try to face it, the entire skyline is taken up by it. It’s so overwhelming that there is no way that I can experience lasting change and freedom from Evil.
Evil always feel strong in the dark.
How can I say no?
Will it ever go away?
This is something that will always be a part of my story.
Nothing helps.
As we learn to ask questions, Evil looses it power
But as we learn to not hide, but stand strong, with Jesus and our climbers by our side, we can ask questions. We can talk about what Evil is offering us. When we open up about the fantasies that Evil is offering us, it’s a time for Jesus to shine. The landscape begins to change. The colors, our stories come to light and we can see what evil is offering and why it used to “work” for us.
What we are doing isn’t hiding from evil: we are inviting it on to our front porch. It can’t come inside. It can’t stay outside, we are going to force Evil into a conversation with Jesus by our side.
Evil looses it’s power when we start asking questions.
Why are you here?
Why now?
What are you offering me?
What happened the last time you were here?
What is it you think you can fix?
What story is your fantasy telling?
“Each has a well developed template for what you find arousing, the collection of images, thoughts, activities, sounds, words, facial expressions, times of day, relationship structures, locations… are all very well crafted ingredients in the cocktail of what arouses you.”
As we learn to ask questions and listen to Jesus, Evil looses it’s power.
Evil, in all reality, is small and weak with nothing new to offer. The more you learn to ask questions we see that Evil repeats the same broken patterns offering us false ways of repairing only what Jesus can fully repair in our lives.
Evil starts out a massive monster with no end, but as we ask questions and listen, evil becomes Plankton from Spongebob, with nothing new to offer.
Walking away from Plankton is much easier than a monster in our heads.
We face Evil for what it is offering, and we turn to Jesus, Truth and our Climbers.
Our identity is in Jesus
Jesus offers us hope and change
Jesus is honest with us about the pain of dying to sin, but also offers us hope in the resurrection on the other side of that sin
We can be free from evil
We aren’t controlled by evil
We can learn and start to change, unafraid!
Our sexual fantasies reveal our attempt to reverse or repeat a past or present pain. We spend a lifetime praying for grace and forgiveness in the hopes that we will one day be able to stop our unwanted sexual behavior. Your frustration in life has to be directed somewhere. If we have unaddressed hurt and anger; we will aim our anger and control at women.
Jay Stringer
Facing Evil on the Front Porch
When evil is pulling us strong, sometimes it feels so powerful, it feels like it will never go away. I liken it to a monster outside the house. Sometimes that monster is so overwhelming that the only way to get it to go away is to go Inner Circle. For a while, the monster calms down, and waits to come back another time. But this monster is always there, always waiting, and always reminding us we haven’t changed and can’t change.
Fantasies do one of two things:
We repeat or reenact trauma or pain in our lives.
Maybe in your fantasies, you are the one being used. Maybe you are the one being put down or abused. Pornography is a way for us to repeat trauma in a way for us to somehow find healing, however broken. Maybe your fantasies are a way for you to work out past brokenness you experienced, and pornography is a tool you are using trying to make sense of past pain and trauma.
We repair or recreate trauma or pain in our lives.
Maybe in our fantasies you are trying to reverse something bad that happened. Your fantasies might be a way of recreating a past traumatic experience and shifting the story in an attempt to heal or deal with your pain.
Journaling Homework
If you were on the porch of your “life house,” as described in the video, and lust visited you, what questions would you want to ask your lust, and why?*
In your lust, what are the top 2-3 fantasies you repeatedly search for that arouse you? (e.g. in search bars for porn, or in your mind as you fantasize about others). Write out this narrative in detail – how the fantasy typically unfolds; how it progresses; Are there specific times of day you are more likely to pursue this fantasy? ( e.g. late afternoons, before bed) Specific settings or circumstances? (e.g. business travel, etc.)*
What observations do you made about these fantasies? Do you see any patterns across them? Do these patterns reveal any “clues” into your own story of sexual brokenness?*
How do you see your unwanted sexual behavior/lust giving you control over some aspect of your life?
Do your fantasies try to Repeat or Repair past or current pain?
Reading Homework
Chapter 8 in Unwanted by Jay Stringer
Why do I stay in the Cave?
You will never be able to leave your unwanted sexual behavior until you understand what experiences keep you bound to it. Recognizing how your sexual brokenness serves you, despite its consequences is what we are going to address. Your Lagoon: the place of brokenness you return to. If we are honest, there is something about The Lagoon that we find appealing. People can be exhausting, even demanding. Pornography allows us to set our own expectations. You can’t leave the Addictive Cycle until your heart is captivated by an image of someone you want to become. The lagoon is a promise of escape from difficulties, a sense of reward from suffering and a place to find pleasure in monotony of life.
“Everyone wants to get out; but until you figure out why you stay, you will spend your life spinning your wheels trying to find traction.”
- Jay Stringer
Together we are going to explore 5 Feelings that exist in the Cave
Deprivation
Disassociation
Futility
Lust
Anger
Case Study: Ravi Zacharias
Zacharias used tens of thousands of dollars of ministry funds dedicated to a “humanitarian effort” to pay four massage therapists, providing them housing, schooling, and monthly support for extended periods of time, according to investigators.
One woman told the investigators that “after he arranged for the ministry to provide her with financial support, he required sex from her.” She called it rape.
She said Zacharias “made her pray with him to thank God for the ‘opportunity’ they both received” and, as with other victims, “called her his ‘reward’ for living a life of service to God,” the report says. Zacharias warned the woman—a fellow believer—if she ever spoke out against him, she would be responsible for millions of souls lost when his reputation was damaged.
Source: Christianity Today
Discuss:
What toxic feelings do you see working in Ravi to act out?
This behavior is really extreme, how do you suppose this happened to someone so famous?
How do you think Ravi was able to be so active in ministry, and simultaneously so actively sinning?
What lessons do you hear for yourself in this story?
I deserve this, My reward
I was in charge, no community of men
He had massive back pain and didn’t J-Curve
He was distant from his wife
Why is he on tour and not taking a back seat?
Anger against our stories
This is how I stay holy - it’s either this or being gay. it’s either this or having an affair.
Case study of your own story. Write down when you have gone inner circle
Feeling #1 that Exists in the cave
Deprivation
We deprive ourselves of Good things
We deprive ourselves from pursuing good decisions when we avoid meaningful relationships and avoid healthily behaviors that could bring care to our lives. There is a see-saw of deprivation on one side, and sexual entitlement on the other. Sometimes we don’t see how much we have deprived ourselves until we start acting out. We need to be curious about how the sexual behavior you want to stop might be your attempt to nourish legitimate and Holy needs.
Discussion:
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
What is something you deprive yourself of?
Then, we Indulge out of Entitlement
And when we deprive ourselves, this promotes entitlement, but then, when you are ashamed of your entitled choices, you won’t choose what is truly good for you because you don’t feel like you deserve it and you really could be loved.
Most people with unwanted sexual behavior suffer with self-care: exercise, eating well, time with friends, Sabbath days. You roam through life feeling overworked or under appreciated, which then sets us up to demand what we believe we deserve.
Discussion:
How do you see going Inner Circle as Entitlement? Why?
What is something you feel entitled to? Why?
Examples:
As a new Doctor, he had suffered and sacrificed and now, he felt like he deserved any sexual behavior he wanted.
A college student I have been cramming for a heavy workload this semester. It’s Friday night and I deserve to go Inner Circle before I go to sleep.
I give my all at work and at home. When the day is done Inner Circle is a reward, a time for me to relax and unwind.
Stoping the see-saw: Sabbath
The sabbath day is the 7th day of the week, a day of rest. God rested on the 7th day when He created All Things in Genesis 1 & 2. God wants us to rest after work. The scriptures tell us that God “blessed the Sabbath and made it Holy (Genesis 2: 1-3).”
Rest after work is a critical part to this. God made us for a purpose, and His Spirit isn’t with us in laziness. He’s designed us to work hard, in our jobs, families, communities as providers and caretakers . . . and in response to that hard work, rest is critical.
Sabbath is a Holy Day for remembering. Moses reminds Israel why the sabbath is so important in Deuteronomy 5: 15: “You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the Lord your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day.” While our bodies rest, our hearts have a moment to pause, remember our stories, reflect on God’s work in our lives and prepare us for the good work ahead of us in the next 6 days.
Taking a sabbath is about recharging your battery in a way that isn’t self absorbed, but healthy self care. Deuteronomy 5: 14 says about the sabbath, “that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you.” We all need rest, time to recharge.
This isn’t a self absorbed time where someone else carries your burdens as you rest. This is a time where you, aware of your surroundings and responsibilities, know how to stop, rest, reflect and and recharge in a healthy way.
For example, let’s say watching a fun movie is a way I relax and recharge. I can go alone, or I can take my son, daughter, wife or friend to join me. Our rest isn’t meant to be self-absorbed, it’s meant to recharge in a healthy beautiful way.
Discussion:
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
What is something you deprive yourself of?
Homework
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
How do you see going Inner Circle as Entitlement? Why?
This week, take a full day of Sabbath. Rest. Relax. Fill your cup for the week ahead. When it’s over, journal. What did you do? Was this easy or hard? Do you see why God wants this to be a part of the pattern of your life?
Feeling #2 that Exists in the cave
Disassociation
We Disconnect from life
When our “needs” go unmet, the discouragement and disappointment make us want to escape.
You see on Facebook that your friends went away for the weekend and you weren’t invited, so you binge on Netflix and online shopping for a weekend. Or you finished a big project at work, and you deserve to break your diet for a massive dinner and treats. At first, these are so called “Guilty Pleasures”; but for those of us with unwanted sexual desires, these are ritualized forms of escape that function as a gateway drug to more destructive sexual behaviors.
After you indulge in one behavior that you don’t feel good about; the likelihood of doing a greater 2nd or 3rd greatly increases.
We start with a milder form of escape, and a milder version of judgment against ourselves.
The difference between a healthy escape and a dissociation lies in the reason behind WHY you are doing them and how much delight they offer.
The self-contempt you feel after dissociation leads to a greater need for an escape, of your previous bad choice.
When you deprive yourself of things that could be good for you, it reinforces feelings that make us want to escape.
Once we have established a routine of escape, we eventually believe we are undeserving of anything good. Which sets the stage for more Deprivation.
Deprivation and dissociation are self-perpetuating and self-reinforcing. When do you tell yourself you are undeserving? What escapes you choose? Overworking? Eating? Drinking?
Discussion:
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
What is something you deprive yourself of?
Then, we create an alternate life
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Discussion:
?
?
Examples:
As a new Doctor, he had suffered and sacrificed and now, he felt like he deserved any sexual behavior he wanted.
A college student I have been cramming for a heavy workload this semester. It’s Friday night and I deserve to go Inner Circle before I go to sleep.
I give my all at work and at home. When the day is done Inner Circle is a reward, a time for me to relax and unwind.
Stoping the see-saw: Friendships
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Discussion:
?
?
Homework
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
How do you see going Inner Circle as Entitlement? Why?
This week, take a full day of Sabbath. Rest. Relax. Fill your cup for the week ahead. When it’s over, journal. What did you do? Was this easy or hard? Do you see why God wants this to be a part of the pattern of your life?
Feeling #3 that Exists in the cave
Futility
We can’t see any value in our efforts
It could be your job, failed attempts to loose weight…. Many of Jay’s clients express some aspect of their life as feeling stuck, directionless, and ultimately that their lives have no purpose.
“Why bother??” is the mantra of futility.
When you look at your life and see failures, and because of that you feel unmotivated.
Pornography is not an isolated struggle; it’s a symptom of a larger issue of futility, when you don’t have a clear sense of who we are and who we want to become.
Futile people often take inventory of how much we have messed up. We are experts at looking at what is wrong.
We are called into an ongoing process of discovering and refining who you really want to be.
We aren’t here to stop doing something bad, but in the process of becoming someone truly stunning!
We can have a great sense of who we are at work, but our sense of purpose and identity at home can me wrapped up in futility.
Discussion:
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
What is something you deprive yourself of?
Then, we run away and stop trying
And when we deprive ourselves, this promotes entitlement, but then, when you are ashamed of your entitled choices, you won’t choose what is truly good for you because you don’t feel like you deserve it and you really could be loved.
Most people with unwanted sexual behavior suffer with self-care: exercise, eating well, time with friends, Sabbath days. You roam through life feeling overworked or under appreciated, which then sets us up to demand what we believe we deserve.
Discussion:
How do you see going Inner Circle as Entitlement? Why?
What is something you feel entitled to? Why?
Examples:
As a new Doctor, he had suffered and sacrificed and now, he felt like he deserved any sexual behavior he wanted.
A college student I have been cramming for a heavy workload this semester. It’s Friday night and I deserve to go Inner Circle before I go to sleep.
I give my all at work and at home. When the day is done Inner Circle is a reward, a time for me to relax and unwind.
Stoping the see-saw: Purpose
The sabbath day is the 7th day of the week, a day of rest. God rested on the 7th day when He created All Things in Genesis 1 & 2. God wants us to rest after work. The scriptures tell us that God “blessed the Sabbath and made it Holy (Genesis 2: 1-3).”
Rest after work is a critical part to this. God made us for a purpose, and His Spirit isn’t with us in laziness. He’s designed us to work hard, in our jobs, families, communities as providers and caretakers . . . and in response to that hard work, rest is critical.
Sabbath is a Holy Day for remembering. Moses reminds Israel why the sabbath is so important in Deuteronomy 5: 15: “You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the Lord your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day.” While our bodies rest, our hearts have a moment to pause, remember our stories, reflect on God’s work in our lives and prepare us for the good work ahead of us in the next 6 days.
Taking a sabbath is about recharging your battery in a way that isn’t self absorbed, but healthy self care. Deuteronomy 5: 14 says about the sabbath, “that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you.” We all need rest, time to recharge.
This isn’t a self absorbed time where someone else carries your burdens as you rest. This is a time where you, aware of your surroundings and responsibilities, know how to stop, rest, reflect and and recharge in a healthy way.
For example, let’s say watching a fun movie is a way I relax and recharge. I can go alone, or I can take my son, daughter, wife or friend to join me. Our rest isn’t meant to be self-absorbed, it’s meant to recharge in a healthy beautiful way.
Discussion:
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
What is something you deprive yourself of?
Homework
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
How do you see going Inner Circle as Entitlement? Why?
This week, take a full day of Sabbath. Rest. Relax. Fill your cup for the week ahead. When it’s over, journal. What did you do? Was this easy or hard? Do you see why God wants this to be a part of the pattern of your life?
Feeling #4 that Exists in the cave
Lust
We Demand what isn’t ours
Lust is desire gone mad.
Jesus says, when we lust we are adulterer’s. Why would Jesus be so extreme?
When you look at a woman and no one sees; we think this is harmless. But it’s not. When we are seduced into behaviors that don’t bring honor to God, ourselves, or others, something in us is compromised.
Jesus understood that lust has an endless degree of escalation options. When we covet, we become unfaithful to the wholeness Jesus desires us to experience.
Your core belief is that life won’t work out the way you it to. We lust after what we don’t have and we deeply value. Coveting isn’t taking something good, it’s stealing what is not yours to have.
Lust is proof that we are most focused on ourselves, it proves we are discontent and our identity in Christ is lost.
Lust forcefully takes affirmation; it doesn’t take it. It’s a warning sign that shows our security and worth are coming from another place.
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.
Matthew 15: 19
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Matthew 5: 27-30
Sherpa’s Example:
I was recently at the gym and a girl took notice of me. I’ve never been someone who girls look at and pursue, so when it happens its obvious and feels very foreign to me. When this happened, I stayed away, prayed, and stayed on task with my work out partner. A few times she walked past me even after that, and the fact that she was showing interest was caused the smallest amount of pleasure in my heart. So small, that if I wasn’t someone who had climbed this mountain, I might not have even noticed. But I noticed. And I noticed that a part of me liked it. At the time, my wife and I had a fight. She was pulling away and there was distance between us. This small interaction showed me my insecurity before women, specifically my wife, my longing to be loved, and clear evidence that Jesus wasn’t enough for me. The proof my heart needed was in the small quick glances from this woman and the value I felt. God used her that morning to help me repent.
Climber’s Examples:
Does anyone want to share about a recent time you knew you were lusting?
What was the story?
Looking back, what do you think you didn’t have?
Looking back, what did you value?
Looking back, do you see where your security and worth might be coming from?
Discussion:
How is lust a part of you? What role does it play in your unwanted sexual behavior?
Can you think of a recent example of lust and its power over you?
Then, we hate ourselves for Lust and Hold ourselves in Contempt
I used to go Inner Circle all the time. It didn’t matter what day of the week; when I wanted it, I took it.
Once a month, on a regular basis, I would be in church and my pastor would go up front, take a cloth off a table and show communion. Communion. The guilt, the exposure, I hated myself when I saw that table. Here I was, a follower of Jesus, and that morning I woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was go Inner Circle.
My pastor would encourage me to pray, ask forgiveness, and come to the cross. But instead of repentance, I would hold my self in contempt, and berate myself in prayer.
I would pray, “God, how could I be so stupid? I’m such a mess. I hate I keep doing this. What’s wrong with me?”
All of these are fair questions to God, but below a simple word like “stupid” is a contempt for myself. A self loathing. A hatred of who I am. Instead of turning from my sin and turning toward Jesus, I looked inward, hated what I saw and was so full of anger towards myself. This anger didn’t push me to repent and change, it pushed me deeper into hiding.
How do we know the difference between contempt and repentance?
Contempt:
Hatred of self, often seen by calling yourself names like “stupid”
Hiding from others. No one will respect me, so I hide.
Hiding from God. At times I would rather serve God than slow down and talk to him. I was afraid at times to read certain verses in the Bible that I know showed my failures.
Repentance:
Seeing my sin clearly, with no excuses.
Going to the cross, boldly, and being honest about my sin.
Accepting Christ’s forgiveness, paid in full on the cross, and standing up, boldly, and forgiven.
Allowing God and others to ask me questions about how I got here and why.
Asking, and cooperating with the Spirit, to stop the broken pattern of sin that exists in my life and following through.
Discussion:
Do you hold yourself in contempt? How? What is a recent example?
Do you have a recent example of walking away from contempt and towards repentance? What was the difference between holding yourself in contempt vs repenting?
Stoping the see-saw: Contentment
The see-saw of Lust and Contempt is a hard one to leave. And it shows us one thing clearly: our Identity in Jesus is hurting.
Ideally, we wake up, reflect on the day God has given us, this amazing story we find ourselves in, and enter the world not taking, but giving.
We are called to “put to death” the sin of lust and sexual immorality. It dies at the cross and we die with it. At the empty tomb is where we find a new hope and a new life. We can be different. Jesus just doesn’t forgive us: He transforms us!
If we are having a bad day: we can look up at the cross into our Identity in Jesus and see what really matters. We are loved, seen and known by the King of Kings. Our true needs have been met at the cross and empty tomb.
In the middle of Paul’s letter to the Corinthian Church he says this:
I do not want to seem to be trying to frighten you with my letters. For some say, “His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.
2 Corinthians 10: 10
But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.
2 Corinthians 10: 17 & 18
If we are having a great day: we can look down, and see God’s amazing work in our stories. We know where we came from. We know we are broken. We know that we are miracles. My story humbles me and keeps me level, honest and real.
If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
Philippians 3: 4-11
Discussion:
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
What is something you deprive yourself of?
Homework
How do you deprive yourself? Why?
How do you see going Inner Circle as Entitlement? Why?
This week, take a full day of Sabbath. Rest. Relax. Fill your cup for the week ahead. When it’s over, journal. What did you do? Was this easy or hard? Do you see why God wants this to be a part of the pattern of your life?
Feeling #5 that Exists in the cave
Anger
We demand Justice
David Powlison on Anger
Jay Stringer on Lust and Anger
Anger and lust often go together for many of us. Jay says, “I’ve actually never met someone who struggles deeply with lust who isn’t also dealing with unaddressed anger.”
You can be angry about something, and almost immediately start the journey into preoccupation to lessen your sense of betrayal.
Male anger is often at the center of so much of the brokenness we all know. If we don’t address our anger; we are set up to fail.
If you want to find out why you pursue unwanted sexual behavior, you need to figure out what’s got you so angry.
Jesus says, when we get angry we are murderers. Why would Jesus be so extreme?
When we don’t get what we want; we get angry. People with unwanted sexual behavior tend to have numerous conflicts with important people in their life.
We are prone to be discontent and frequently perceive that life doesn’t go their way. Or worse; people are out to make your life miserable.
Your core belief is that life won’t work out the way you it to. Your anger towards your spouse when she withholds sex.
Or when you look in the mirror, you see a pathetic person looking back; angry at yourself.
In anger, someone dies.
Sherpa’s Example:
In the summer of 2021 we had our annual vacation in Ocean City, NJ. We invited my wife’s family and this summer added a lot of quiet tension all week: Pam’s mom wasn’t happy, the cousins were cranky teenagers and we had to leave early for a new foster child. It wasn’t a relaxing week.
Once we get in the cars to leave back to go home, I function like a snow plow: I have a job to do (pack) and nothing is going to get in my way (traffic).
We were in bad traffic and slow to get home in time to get our dogs from the kennel without paying another night. It was going to be tight.
When we pulled into the gas station, I asked Pam if she had to use the bathroom. She said no and the kids were asleep.
But the kids woke up. And they woke up wanting to pee when I was done pumping gas. Pam, knowing I would be angry, got out of the car quickly with the kids, and as soon as I saw them my blood boiled. None of these people were with me. They were all against me. In full anger I yelled at them as they were fast walking to the bathrooms, “You better run!”
And my wife, and daughter, afraid of me, ran to the bathrooms.
Discuss:
How does this make you feel for Pam and Jami (my daughter)? What is it like living with John Miller in this moment?
What do you really think is going on with John, if he were to pause and reflect?
What could he do differently next time?
Climber’s Examples:
Does anyone want to share about a recent time you knew you were angry?
What was the story?
Looking back, what do you think wasn’t just/right?
Looking back, what did you value?
Looking back, do you see where your perception of justice might be coming from?
Feeling Angry? Pause and Think.
If you feel the seeds of anger, take a moment, breathe and pause to reflect on these three things:
What do I want to do? (ie, I want to scream and punch)
What will I do? (ie, I am going to loose my temper if I’m not stopped)
What does Christ say about me, and how does he want me to respond? (ie, I need to repent, slow down, and process this situation like a Man of Jesus)
Then, we create our own justice
Once we get angry; it never really solves anything. So we instantly get into control mode: Never again will this person be allowed to ______. I will not be made a fool again.
Stoping the see-saw: Meekness
Colossians 3: 5-14
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Discussion:
X
Homework
Reflect on a time you lusted. What happened? What was really going on?
Reflect on a time you were angry. What happened? What was really going on?
Write a story of Lust and Anger that happened recently. Share it with the group next week along with your reflections of what might be different next time.
The 5 Core feelings of being in the Cave
Deprivation
Dissociation
Futility
Lust
Anger
Any one of these are destructive; but together they are a category 5 hurricane.
How is anger and lust a part of your lagoon? What roles do they play in your unwanted sexual behavior.
The 5 outcomes of where cave Living is taking you
Deprivation becomes Self-Loathing
Dissociation becomes Isolation
Futility becomes Resignation
Lust becomes Perversion
Anger becomes Bitterness
Resignation, Perversion and Degradation:
Three Hijackers of Our Soul
This is where we enter “The Cave”, the part of the movie where evil has us feel trapped and we are hopeless.
Futility, Lust, and Anger become intensified the longer someone stays in the cave of unwanted sexual behavior.
How long have you been in this cave?
Overtime:
Deprivation becomes Self-Loathing
Dissociation becomes Isolation
Futility becomes Resignation
Lust becomes Perversion
Anger becomes Bitterness
There are many of you who believe that because your unwanted sexual behavior hasn’t progressed to overtly violent themes or other severe behavior, that you are not as broken as those who have. And there are many of you who believe that because your sexual choices have progressed into extremes that make the rest of the world wince, that you, therefore are beyond repair.
You are both wrong. Each of these conclusions is a form of self-deception that further anchors us in our unwanted sexual behavior.
Concluding you are not as bad as those who pursue violent or vile forms of sexual behaviors is a form of denial that weakens your conviction to change.
Concluding that because you’ve crossed all the lines you swore you would never cross is a form of self-condemnation that also justifies not changing, because there is no point to trying.
Trying to stack different types of sexual sin in some artificial hierarchy, to either help you or justify or condemn yourself, does you no good.
The first experience of the cave: Resignation. This is the intensified version of futility.
Overtime we conclude that we are beyond repair and that there is no point in trying.
We deaden our soles to the possibility of true freedom. One person says they don’t need to change, the other says they can’t.
Resignation: 1) The act of retiring or giving up a position. 2) The acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable.
The second experience of the cave: Perversion. This is the intensified version of Lust.
Beneath lust us a God given desire for connection. But this is that connection gone mad.
The only way to make our brains reproduce that original experience of satisfaction, pleasure and well-being is to escalate to a more intense or perverted fantasy.
The escalation of our perversion is not evidence that we are beyond repair. But it is evidence that we have become numb to a sexual life that bears honor and beauty.
Perversion: 1) The alteration of something from its original course, the distortion or corruption of what it was first intended. 2) Sexual behavior that is unacceptable
The third experience of the cave: Degradation. This is the intensified version of Anger.
All of us live with some sense of the unfairness of life. When we have endured harm that has never been vindicated we experience entitlement. We believe we have the right to avenge our disappointment.
The waiter who gets your order wrong. Your child who doesn’t listen. Your spouse who withholds intimacy. You find yourself enraged.
When you are engaged you feel so violated that the only source of satisfaction becomes to violate in return.
Our fantasies here become entitled, even violent.
There is meaning in your degradation and God is no less passionate to pursue you.
Degradation: 1) The condition or process of degrading or being degraded. 2) The wearing down of a rock by disintegration
Pornography exists due to violence against women and men. Until we see and name the anger and entitlement behind it, freedom from it won’t be possible.
Every time you engage in unwanted sexual behavior in any form you perpetuate our cultures excessive tolerance of violence against women.
To whatever degree resignation, perversion, and degradation characterize your unwanted sexual behavior has absolutely no bearing on the freedom and redemption available to you.
Shame and Disarming It’s Paralyzing Power
Shame is a feeling that results from unwanted sexual behavior; Shame is also something that drives us towards unwanted sexual behavior.
Men with high shame scores were 300x more likely to view pornography. Women who experienced shame where 546x more likely to view pornography.
Shame was present long before your unwanted sexual behavior became a permanent staple in your life.
Shame makes us want to hide. It tells us that something about is us damaged or foul, and we would be better off unseen.
The more we run from shame the stronger it becomes.
Running from shame legitimizes its messages about us: How ugly we are. How damaged we are. How we will never change… feel more and more true with every attempt we try and escape these messages.
Shame is ready with an inventory about you any time you try and face it or attempt to change.
We have given shame permission to convince us that change isn’t possible.
Shame only has power in so far as we believe its condemnation.
Honesty is the greatest weapon you have against shame. Your vulnerability is the strongest antidote you have to its paralyzing force.
Shame doesn’t have to be a barrier to love; it can actually be a bridge to it. We see this when the son is rescued from the cave and they begin to recraft the violin.
Beauty and healing occur when we bring the shadow pieces to the foreground. God, our Father, is not ashamed of our choices or the things that lead us to them. The Father’s love to redeem us from shame will prevail.
In Jesus, all of our shame and sin has been covered and forgiven: Past, Present and Future.
Tony’s vulnerability and honesty about his shame opened up a whole new perspective on what was possible.
Kimberly’s story, shared with her trusted friend, became a place of connection.
I talking with her friend, Her eating disorder was telling a story. Her disorder was a roadmap that told her where she had been and how she had learned to make life work within her family.
Shame loses its power when you place your story into the hands of someone else who loves you and helps you see it in a whole new way.