Explore•13,800ft
“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
The Lord of the Rings
Welcome to the Base of Everest.
Are you ready to climb?
Lasting change is hard. Even getting to this point is incredibly courageous. You are doing what so many men are unable to do: face evil, ask questions and listen to what God might have to say about his plan for your life and that healing is possible. Everyone is different. There is no magic bullet in here, but rather a lot of materials gathered over the years from many great people who have done a lot of hard work facing evil and seeing lasting victory through Jesus. Jesus, our main Sherpa, gives us the courage to look evil in the eye and ask it why it has had lasting power over us.
Elevation 1•Explore•13,800 ft
-
The goal of this first stage is to determine if you are ready for the climb.
Are you aware of how long this climb will take?
Do you know why the climb takes so long?
Are you willing to do the work it takes to get to the top?
Is someone making you come or are you willingly here?
Are you ready for the hard work?
Are you ready to listen?
Are you ready to change?
-
This elevation of the Climb takes about 1-2 months.
-
When you and your Sherpa agree in the Stages of Change that you are in “Action” and you are ready to do the work and start the Climb to the Summit of Mt Everest.
“Be strong and courageous and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.”
Starting With Some Ground Rules
-
These groups need to be a safe place for us to open up and share. This means that what is said in here, needs to stay in here. You may not share details, names or any information other than what you are learning outside this group. It’s really important to protect each others privacy in order for all of us to feel safe on this journey.
-
On this climb, God is going to to be showing you lots of new things. It’s essential you buy a journal. This isn’t a diary: it’s a notebook between you and God about what you are learning and trying to process.
-
We are going to use an app called Signal to communicate with each other. When we meet each week, God will be with us. We will learn something new, share our weeks and get to know each other. But the real work, the real change happens during the week when we are struggling and need each other. We will live in our app as we talk with each other, pray for each other and learn to ask questions about Evil’s grip in our lives. In our conversations, we will meet Jesus. Signal is what all groups in Climb29 use and it can also be customized to block access with a code so our conversations are private. It’s critical that no one outside of our group has access to our Signal chat so that it can stay open, real and safe.
-
Many men on this journey get excited and want to share what they are learning with their wives/girlfriends. Please, only share broad brush strokes and never narrow ones.
Broad Brush Stroke: I am in a group for me to face purity as a Godly man. Tonight we learned about shame.Narrow Brush Stroke: I am in a group because each night I look at porn and masturbate to small brown haired women.
Broad brush strokes are healthy and can lead to amazing conversations. Narrow brush strokes can be devastating for those we love. We are not yet mature enough on this journey to discern what should or shouldn’t be shared yet.
-
We are going to learn a lot an apply what we learn carefully. On this journey, you may get frustrated with the pace and that we don’t address porn blockers and traditional accountability for a few months. Everything on this course is designed for a reason. Please trust the pace of the group and know that we will get to all the right tools for the right time.
-
Everyone will miss from time to time. But each night someone can’t come, most likely the whole group will cancel because you aren’t there. We are doing this as a team. We climb as a team. If you aren’t doing the work, or are missing too many nights, this might not be the right time for you to climb.
First Things First: Why are you doing this?
What are your goals, why are you here?
It’s amazing you are considering this journey to investigate your unwanted sexual behaviors. Counseling, no matter what form, takes an amazing amount of courage.
The first thing we are going to do is take some time to review your homework for next meeting. The purpose of this homework is to help you ask questions about your goals and why you are here. If this is the right time for you, this journey will be life changing. But if something is holding you back, or pushing you to be here, now is the time to understand why you are here and if this is a good fit for you.
Homework:
Print/Download out the goals sheet and write out your answers to each of the questions.
Be prepared to answer each of the questions when you meet next time.
Here are the questions for homework:
Why are you pursuing help with unwanted sexual behavior?
Does anyone know you are pursuing counseling?
Have you ever been in counseling before for this topic? If so, what was your experience?
Have you talked with anyone else about this issue? Who do you have in your life as a support during this process?
Please write three goals that you would like to see happen in this process.
Are you willing to commit resources to this process? Time, money?
What are some potential barriers you feel you may face on this journey?
This process could take 2 years to help you. Are you willing to invest that time? How do you feel about that?
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.”
Every Breaking Wave
The Story of A Climber
Why has this taken so long?
My best friend and I have an annual retreat that was have taken since we graduated college together. During this retreat, every year we ask ourselves, “Are we more like Jesus this year? Did we improve on what we talked about last year? Did we hit our goals?” Each year we had so many things to be proud of as we grew as men and fathers. But every year, our issues with masturbation, porn and distorted views of sex continued to haunt us.
U2 released the song, “Every Breaking Wave” before one of our retreats. This song captured my hopelessness of how I felt, but God used it to wake me up and realize that I don’t have to stay where the waves keep breaking over me again and again. I can grow. I can change.
So, for the first time, we stepped back and asked for help. To help us understand why we stayed in the breaking waves. This was the first of many courageous steps up Mt. Everest.
“Every breaking wave on the shore
Tells the next one there’ll be one more
And every gambler knows that to lose
Is what you’re really there for
If you go your way and I go mine
Are we so helpless against the tide
Baby, every dog on the street
Knows that we’re in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing every breaking wave”
Discussion Questions:
How have you felt tossed around in the waves trying to overcome unwanted sexual behavior?
What has made you realize, “Why am I choosing to stay in these waves getting tossed around? I’m ready for change.”
Are you ready to be “swept off your feet and stop chasing every breaking wave”? What about this is scary, confusing or exciting to you?
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
Mt. Pocono vs Mt. Everest
What mountain are you really climbing?
Early in the journey to face unwanted sexual sin, my first Sherpa told me that I was trying to fight my addiction to masturbation as if I was climbing Mt Pocono. I had my lunch packed. My sneakers on. My friend was with me. My camera to take pictures when we got to the top, all in time to be back home by bedtime.
My Sherpa was quick to point out that one of the reasons we kept experiencing failure was because the size of our addiction was really compared to climbing Mt Everest. Each time we fell and became discouraged was evidence that we didn’t realize the size of our problem. We also didn’t realize that the reward of reaching the top of Mt Everest is far more beautiful than the reward of reaching the top of Mt. Pocono.
This was a turning point in my journey: realizing the size of my problem was a relief. This is why it was so hard for me. It also opened me up to the possibility of reaching the top.
I’ll Go Crazy (If I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight)
It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
You see, for me, I've been shouting
But we're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
I know I'm not alone
- U2
Discuss:
Do you feel like you have been fighting your addiction like it’s Mt. Pocono? How?
How does it feel to know that your addiction is more like climbing Mt. Everest?
If you choose to climb Mt Everest, what do you think this is going to cost you in terms of time, resources and commitment?
Are you ready? What road blocks do you feel
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23
Why will this journey take so long?
There are three Reasons this Climb takes long: Your body, your emotions and your heart all need time to change.
2 years is a really long time. We get it. These days we love to fit discipleship and growth into 6 week learning periods. At the most, maybe 12. But that’s not really how discipleship works. We go on long journeys of transformation. Transformation isn’t overnight, it’s a long and beautiful journey.
Our hearts need time.
Our minds need to create new heathy neural pathways to replace the old ones.
Our emotions need time to change.
God doesn’t flick light switches on and changes us overnight. He takes us on journeys.
1) Your Body Needs time to change
Dopamine Pathways
Dopamine is a chemical that God designed for your body to release for quick sprits of energy. For example, it’s released when you work out.
However, this is the same chemical that releases during porn use and masturbation. It destroys sex, turns it into a rush, where you are the center.
Oxytocin Pathways
This is a chemical that God designed for your to feel closeness and connection with someone else. For example, women release this chemical when they are breast feeding.
This is the same chemical that releases during face to face sex. God gave it to use to experience oneness, joy and communion with our spouce.
Long Term Goal
For new neural pathways to be created; for your body to move away from dopamine sex (false sex) into God’s sex where Oxytocin is released.
“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.”
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Discussion Questions:
What strikes you about the two verses we just read about sex and your mind?
What about Dopamine & Oxytocin effecting your mind gives clarity on how you have been effected? How have you seen this?
How long do you think it takes to change the mind from craving Dopamine to shutting that off when it comes to God Sex?
2) Your emotions need time to change
For years we have used masturbation as a way to manage life in a broken world. We used sex as a tool to help us cope with life.
Here are some examples:
Work was hard
So, before going to bed, after a long crappy day, I look at porn and masturbate. This didn’t make my bad day go away, but it was a reward I needed to calm down.
Work is going to be hard
I have a long, boring, humbling, horrid day ahead of me where I feel like I’m not seen at my job. Nothing I do really matters. So, I start off my day and masturbate. I know it doesn’t fix anything, but it feels good.
I just had a fight with my wife
My wife and I fought again about the same old thing. We argue in circles. Maybe I married the wrong person. Maybe she doesn’t respect me. I don’t know. But what I do know is that this sucks. I need to masturbate to make myself feel better.
My kids are killing me
Today, I did everything to my kids. They fight, argue and are thankless. I gave and gave and I’m feeling really empty. Looking at porn and masturbating sounds like the reward I need right now.
Today was so boring
My life is boring. Today was boring. Tomorrow will be boring. Nothing exciting ever happens to me. If I look at porn and masturbate, that sounds exciting to me.
These thoughts that used in the past served us for a time; but there comes a point where life begins to become unmanageable. Its effects are felt in your marriage. You feel distant from God.
You need time to grow and learn how to face life’s difficult moments and seasons as Godly men.
It will be a long journey to name why you feel tempted, when you feel tempted and the circumstances in your life at the moment. Evil wants you to be quiet, but God wants you to learn more about how you face life’s difficulties.
“So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that’s coming when Jesus arrives. Don’t lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn’t know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God’s life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, “I am holy; you be holy.”
You call out to God for help and he helps—he’s a good Father that way. But don’t forget, he’s also a responsible Father, and won’t let you get by with sloppy living.”
Long Term Goal:
To be aware of broken thoughts and patterns we have built in order to cope with living in a fallen world. Instead of feeling shame, we investigate our old broken ways of making life work and learn to turn to Jesus for healthy living as men.
Discussion Questions:
What are some broken things that you have said to yourself before acting out? What are some of the more common circumstances that you have experienced?
How do you think that God wants you to mature emotionally in how you handle life when things are hard?
3) Your heart needs time to change
Woody Allen has a great saying, “the heart wants what the heart wants.”
It took me 22 years to get the courage to go to a counselor. Then, when I finally went, my first 3 months were painful.
At one point, my counselor said, “John, are you going to let me drive? Or every week are you going to come here and make me sit in the passenger seat.? You will not be able to change without letting me drive.”
What my counselor was saying was a part of my heart wanted to change. But a much larger part didn’t want to fully surrender. I was willing to surrender if I could feel in control.
It took me years for my heart to say truly say, “I don’t want this anymore.”
But then, it got harder, because as I started to try and let go of the sin, I realized how much I liked it.
It took 2 years for God to break my heart open into change.
The Bible says that our hearts are broken cisterns that have created idols. We have removed God from His rightful place in our lives as our LORD and we have looked to pleasure as our God when we experience pain.
Read these verses below, they are beautiful and heart breaking. But they are about heart change.
God is in the heart change business, but this takes time, honesty, community and Jesus at the center. God is fighting for you!
“But my people have exchanged their glorious God for worthless idols. Be appalled at this, you heavens, and shudder with great horror,” declares the Lord. “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
“For here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to take you out of these countries, gather you from all over, and bring you back to your own land. I’ll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean. I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed. I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands. You’ll once again live in the land I gave your ancestors. You’ll be my people! I’ll be your God!”
Long Term Goal:
For God to soften our hearts and transform us from the inside out. You won’t want to stop running after this sin until your heart begins to change. The goal is for our hard hearts to soften, and as soft hearts, that God would teach us how to grow, change and become the strong men of God he designed us to be.
Discussion Questions:
Where do you feel like you are in the “heart change” scale? Where are you? Why?
If 1 = I don’t want to change
10 = no matter what I’m told by my sherpa I’ll do it!
What scares you about a soft heart? Why do you think God uses the examples of “heart of stone” and “Heart of flesh”? What are the differences?
What does it mean for the Spirit to work in you? What about that is exciting and/or scary?
Everest Map
Where are we going?
It helps to see the whole journey in perspective. The goal of this isn’t to give you a set of rules to follow, but for you, in time, to experience change and transformation using lots of different tools that can help you process your story, your addiction and how to mature as a Godly man.
Goals are critical in this journey. Getting to the top, feeling freedom from evil feels amazing. This map is about giving you a vision of what could be.
Discussion Questions:
The climb to the top of Mt. Everest is a long one. What part of the Journey are you most excited to learn about?
Discovering core climbing tools and how to use them
Discovering why you look at porn and what that says about your story
Discovering how sex has become distorted in your life
Discovering Jesus by learning how to face suffering instead of running from it
Discovering how Jesus sees you
Discovering what it means to be a Godly Man
Discovering Garden Sex, Sex how God designed it
Discovering Garden Living, Living as God has designed you
What parts of this journey make you nervous? Why?
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
Psalm 32: 8
2 Why do you need a Sherpa?
Babu Chiri Sherpa: He spent 21 hours on the summit of Everest without auxiliary oxygen, a record which still stands, and he made the fastest ascent of Everest in 16 hours and 56 minutes. Although an accomplished mountaineer, his life dream was to build schools in Nepal.
What is the role of a Sherpa on this journey?
A Note from John Miller
Sharing details of sexual sin is hard and humiliating. Getting actual help is even harder. I’ve been a part of many accountability groups, all full of men with great hearts and ambition. But in the end, lasting change couldn’t take hold in my life.
I had close Godly friendships with other men who struggled along with me. Their friendships have been invaluable to me over the years. But in the end, lasting change couldn’t take hold in my life.
I faced a wall when I was 37: I can either keep living the way I’ve been living - barely getting by spiritually and failing in the area of sexual maturity; or I can do something different, something radical and get help. It was clear that my “accountability” structure needed someone wiser and most importantly had done the hard work of change themselves.
If you want to experience change, it’s really important to follow someone who is humble about their experience, can listen well and has done the hard work of change themselves. The role of a Sherpa is to take you somewhere you otherwise could not do on your own. Their job is to guide you through change.
The real question is: can you surrender to their wisdom and leadership?
What Makes a Good Sherpa?
What makes a good Sherpa: Someone who is a good listener. This journey isn’t about them, it’s about you, your unique story and seeing victory through Jesus.
Someone who has done the hard work themselves. This isn’t their first rodeo. They have done all of the hard work they are asking you to do. Because of this, they know it’s important to be strong and tender on this hard journey.
Someone that is quick to show grace. Grace (getting something you don’t deserve) is a big part of this journey. Grace is something we have all received from God, knowing you have received it changes how you lead and love.
Someone who isn’t afraid to tell you the truth, even if it hurts.
Someone who has been sober from unwanted sexual sin for over 2 years: in order to lead well, this is something you need distance from.
Someone who has been blessed by Church Leaders to lead.
Someone who loves people and wants to see them change.
Someone who loves Jesus.
Discussion Questions:
How do you feel about following a Sherpa?
What makes you uncomfortable about following a Sherpa on this journey?
What bad experiences have you had in the past? What would you need differently from a Mentor (Sherpa) to help you be successful in this journey?
Do you have any reservations about following the Sherpa in your group?
Are you ready to Climb at their pace and follow their direction?
No Sherpa is allowed to lead that hasn’t done the hard work of Climb29 themselves. How does it make you feel that your Sherpa has done the hard work? How does that change how you will follow?
A wise man will hear and increase in learning, And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel.
Proverbs 1: 5
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
Proverbs 11: 14
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
Proverbs 12: 15
He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.
Proverbs 13: 20
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
Proverbs 28: 26
Psalm 139
The Psalm of Our Journey
Psalm 139 our our anthem on this journey. Our swan song. It’s what we sing when we feel lost, need hope and have a hard time believing the beauty of this journey, our stories and that lasting change is possible.
Nothing is hidden from God
Verses 1 - 4
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You are here because God has called you, and you’ve listened. That is why you are on this journey: to become like Jesus and finally face a sin that has been in your life for a very long time. Being here is humbling. It’s not something we share with others.
“Hey, you guys should totally check out this amazing group for men who masturbate and look at porn and don’t know how to stop!”
No way! We would never say that. Being here is hard, but it’s taken each of us a unique journey to get here.
How does God see you? How has he seen you this whole time? How does He see you now?
Jesus has searched you and he knows you.
There is nothing you can hide from Him, and there is nothing He hasn’t already known about you. He has “searched”, past tense, and he has known you. This Psalm is for you. God has been watching you and has a message that you need to hear.
Jesus knows your every action and every thought.
Jesus knows when you sit and when you rise up from your seat. He knows when you wake up, when you sleep. When you are lonely. When you are mad. When you want to look at porn. When you masturbate. Jesus sees everything in your whole story.
Jesus knows your thoughts from afar.
Every thought, good and bad, Jesus knows them from a long ways away. There isn’t a single fantasy that you have had, that Jesus isn’t seeing. Every thought in your head, every minute of porn you have looked at. Every thought you have when you are having sex with your wife. Every thought you have had as a single person. Everything. Nothing is hidden.
Jesus knows your life patterns.
Jesus knows your paths, the roads you choose and the roads you don’t choose. He knows what paths you choose. When the night comes and the day has been heavy and you have a choice: Honor God and go to bed, or hide and look at porn and masturbate. He knows what you do, when you do, and where you do it. Jesus knows your patterns. He knows WHY you do what you do. He’s acquainted with all your ways. NOTHING is a surprise to Him about you. Even what you say, Jesus knows a word before it’s on your tongue. He knows you so well, He knows what you are going to say.
Discuss:
How does it make you feel that Jesus has searched you and knows you?
How does it make you feel that Jesus knows every action and thought you have had?
What do you think about Jesus being “familiar with all your ways”? How does this make you feel?
How does it make you feel that everything you thought was hidden, isn’t.
God is with you
Verses 5 - 6
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
You would think that Jesus knowing us this closely is hard for us, embarrassing. But no, right away we see that Jesus Hems me in, behind and before you. That the hand of Jesus is on your life.
Instead of humiliation (oh, I can’t believe He sees it all!), we have worship, “this is too amazing! too wonderful! I can’t attain it!”.
This Psalm goes right into the darkest places of your heart, and Jesus lights this amazing candle and says, “I want you to leave, but you have to trust that I love you first.”
Jesus isn’t embarrassed of you. Jesus isn’t angry. Jesus wants you to trust Him and change.
Discuss:
How do you feel Jesus’ hand behind and before you? How have you seen His hand in getting you here? How do you think you see His hand ahead of you on this journey?
How does it feel that Jesus knows and sees it all, and He is here, for you, unashamed?
We can’t hide from God
Verses 7 - 10
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I have the best days, Jesus is there.
In the best days, Jesus is right there enjoying them with us. Biking. Camping. Vacation. Family dinners. Holiday celebrations. In the best moments of life, Jesus is right there in our stories. “If I ascend to heaven, you are there!”. My take of this verse isn’t that when we die Jesus is there (yes of course that is true), but more about heaven here and now. When we experience a piece of heaven, how life is meant to be, Jesus is right there with us.
If I have horrible days, Jesus is there.
We have bad days. Things go wrong. Evil feels like it’s winning. At the start of a bad day, I masturbate. At the end of a horrible day, I masturbate. In his verse it says, “If I make my bed in Sheol”. Making your bed implies this is a place you plan on staying. It’s not quick. But a place where you are lying down and giving up. Sheol is the Hebrew word for Hell. A place for the dead. If I make my bed in Hell. For almost 20 years I let evil own this part of my life. I gave up on thinking change was possible, or if I even wanted it anymore. I made my bed in hell. There are times when I messed up after doing well for a little. Then, when I messed up, I would binge and watch porn for days. I would masturbate next to my wife while she was sleeping. I was making my bed in hell. Nothing can help me. I didn’t want help.
But when you make your bed in Hell, Jesus is right there. Not ashamed. Not angry. But loving. Longing for us to see ourselves how He sees us.
Even when I run, Jesus is there.
In your best days, when you “take up the wings of the morning” and have a great day, Jesus is there.
In your worst days, when you dwell (that means choose to live) in the uttermost parts of the sea, Jesus is there. When the Bible talks about “seas” like it does here, that isn’t a good place. The sea is where people didn’t know what was on the other side. Ships went out and didn’t come back. It was a place of chaos and loss. The book of Revelations says that in the end, “and the sea was no more. Rev 21:21” this doesn’t mean there won’t be water, oceans and seas in the New Heavens and the New Earth. It’s a symbol of loss, pain and chaos that won’t be a part of our stories anymore. This Psalm is saying that when we choose to run, and live in the seas, Jesus is there.
Jesus is here to lead, and hold you.
Jesus isn’t ashamed. He is here to lead you now. He is here to guide you home. This journey to the top of the mountain isn’t about your sherpa, or any other Sherpa. It’s about Jesus. He is on this journey. He is the one leading. He is the one at the front of this climb.
Discuss:
How does it feel that Jesus is there on your worst days, and sees you?
How have you seen Sheol in your life?
How have you seen yourself make a home in Sheol?
How have you seen yourself “settle on the far side of the sea”?
We can’t Hide in the dark
Verses 11
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
We have all felt it.
Conviction from the Holy Spirit, yet, we have all hidden ourselves wanting the darkness to cover us up. Instead of facing our sin, our pain and our stories, it’s easier just to have the darkness take over and hide us.
And we run from the light, and want the lights to turn off, and we feel more comfortable in the dark.
I think about all the times that Jesus reached out to me when I struggled, and I didn’t even know how to listen to the Holy Spirit in this issue. So full of shame I would walk away from beautiful sermons and want to pull a dark cover over my failures that I didn’t know how to address.
I felt more comfortable in the dark.
Discuss:
How have you tried to hide in the dark?
Darkness is a light to Jesus
Verses 12
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
If I could use only one verse in all of Climb29 for you on this journey, this would be it.
The darkness, we have all worked so hard to hide from others and ourselves, it might be dark to us, but it isn’t dark to Jesus. The darkness isn’t dark to Him. Where I am weak, afraid, and terrified of the lights coming on, Jesus is next to me, and none of the darkness in my life is dark to Him. He sees me. My whole story. Why I do what I do. What I think I’m fixing and not. He sees my need for Him. Nothing is dark to Him. It’s clear as day.
The night is bright as day. Darkness isn’t dark. There is nothing you can say in this group that is a surprise to Jesus. We are lost, deep in a cave, and Jesus has a candle.
“Darkness is as light to you.”
Wow. Here it is. The main verse of our journey.
We are going to talk about things that you have hidden from everyone. But Jesus has seen it all. He’s been next to you the whole time. And this sin, that has kept each of you quiet for too long, afraid to talk about it, Jesus is PUMPED for you to talk about it! What you see as a dark, awful failure, Jesus sees a place for you to learn about yourself, your story and his amazing love for you.
Each of us on this journey is an expert hider. We don’t look at porn in our family rooms right when everyone is home from work and school. Nope. We hide. We are expert hiders. We hide what we search for. We cover our tracks. We close doors. We listen carefully.
But Jesus is stopping all of that today.
No more hiding. It’s about walking with Him and trusting Him. Jesus is the light. Not an idea. Not a tool. Not a program. Jesus. He is the one we are following on this journey.
What happens when a light shines, we begin to understand our stories and why evil’s grip feels so strong.
One of the things I kept hidden was my love for blow jobs, and videos of girls with cum all over them. This is one of many stories I kept hidden in my dark cave. But the darkness is as light to Jesus. As I talked about this and got to know my story I began to see how much I hated myself. Making women lower than me, worshipping me, made me feel better in the crappy story I felt I was in. Their degrading, made me feel empowered, seen and important. As Jesus’ light was on me, I saw how much He sees me, loves me and has a plan for my life. The cave, sheol, I made my bed in, wasn’t dark anymore. Jesus was next to me, with a light, helping me see WHY I was there how HOW to leave.
Discuss:
How does it feel that Jesus isn’t ashamed of you?
How does it feel that Jesus wants to talk about what you are hiding?
How does it feel that the very thing you have been hiding, talking about it, exposing it to the light entirely, will be your path to freedom?
God designed you
Verses 13 - 18
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
There are two truths important to know about from these amazing verses.
1) God didn’t make a single mistake when He made you and the story He’s allowed to have happen in your life.
God made every inch of you. You are a wonderful work of His creation. Every part of who you are, your personality, everything was made by Jesus and God is PROUD of who you are and who He made you to be.
Of course, like me, you are sitting here thinking, “Yeah, I know. God made me. God loves me. I know”.
Nope.
If you knew this, and believed it, you won’t look at porn and masturbate. You would be so full of God and His design for your life, when hurting, lonely or angry you wouldn’t turn to destroying yourself and other people, you would turn to Jesus. But we don’t.
Deep down, we don’t like who we are.
Deep down, we don’t trust God’s path.
Deep down, we don’t trust His story in our lives.
So we act out. Again and again. Our doubt of God isn’t just a couple of times, it’s deeply engraved into our hearts. When we feel pain, we run.
Jesus didn’t make a mistake when He made you. Each of us were designed by God, created, to do great things. When you die, what will be so sad for everyone left behind, is that the image of God, uniquely reflected in you, will be gone until Jesus raises you from the dead. You are the only version of you out there. You are a masterpiece. God created you, for a purpose. God loves His creation. He loves you.
2) You might not believe this about you, but Evil understands and wants to destroy your story.
In the same way that God made you and has a plan, Evil has been after you since before you were born. To kill and destroy the Glory of God uniquely reflected in you.
Here’s a story:
My father, when he was in 7th & 8th grade was exposed to porn that opened up a lot of questions and fears that no one helped him address. All of this happened in a short period of time. My father, as a young boy was afraid and prayed that God would help him change. He did this totally alone, in shame. My father, as a little boy, did change. But he was so ashamed of his actions, he never spoke about them. He was afraid of what people would think. This embarrassment about sex, what he saw, and curiosity, stayed deep within my dad. A seed planted by Evil when he was in 7th grade. This seed told my dad: You aren’t like other boys. You are bad. No one will relate to you. Just keep this all quiet.
Years later, my dad was 38 years old when he dropped his son, John off at Youth Group. Later that night when he picked up John, John opened up to him about his struggle with masturbation and didn’t know how to stop. My dad, had a small quiet voice, tell him that he wasn’t fit to answer me or help me. Ashamed, my dad said nothing. That night, was the first time that evil spoke in my story: “Don’t trust adults, they will never be able to understand and help you. You are on your own.”
Evil was after my dad. Evil was after me. Evil was weaving a story where no one in my family could or would talk about sex.
3) But I can’t stop there. Your story is designed and created by God!
One of the greatest verses in the Bible is Genesis 50: 20, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” Psalm 139 says that God didn’t make a single mistake when He made you. And your story, no matter how broken or lost, God will redeem and reclaim what is His.
You were created by God.
Your story has been hijacked by Evil.
God is taking it back.
Discuss:
Let’s first discuss Evil. How have you seen after you since you were little?
How have you seen Evil after your family story?
Now let’s discuss God’s Story. Is it hard for you to see that God made you, on purpose, without mistakes, and is proud of the man He designed you to be?
How does it feel that God looks at you with Pride, and LONGS to help you grow?
How might believing this change you?
A righteous anger
Verses 19 - 22
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Before this Psalm became so important to me, these verse’s seemed so out of place and strange. Why is King David all of a sudden really angry at evil?
But as this Psalm became a core passage for my Climb, I too became angry with Evil.
Satan has been after all of us, distorting Sex from God’s Design and Beautiful Creation to a core place of shame and disgust.
Evil has been after my family since before I was born to destroy God’s story in my life.
Evil has been after my own story since before I was old enough to have a clue what was happening.
Evil was after me as a young man to shame me into silence.
Evil was after me as an adult man to shame me into trying to get help.
Evil is after our culture, destroying people through sex addictions.
Evil is after women, destroying them and abusing them.
David is angry at Evil and I am too. “I hate it with complete hatred.”
Discuss:
How do you feel angry at Evil?
How does it feel that Jesus is next to you, angry at Evil with you?
How does it feel having Jesus on your side, as we start this climb and fight evil?
A final benediction
Verses 23 - 24
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
And how do we end such an amazing life changing Psalm?
With one of the greatest Benedictions in the Bible.
With all this going for us, who can stand against us? With Jesus leading this climb, we say to Him, “Search me! Know me! Try me! Know my thoughts! See the wrong! Lead me right!”
No longer does evil own our stories. Jesus does. And He is leading the charge to the top of Mt Everest.
Discussion Questions:
Overall, what parts of PS 139 are hard for you to believe?
Overall, what parts of PS 139 are exciting for you to hear?
Overall, what of PS 139 spoke to you the most?
Why do you think PS 139 is such a core part of our climbing journey?
You Need The Three C’s to Climb Mt. Everest
Commitment, Courage and Curiosity
There are three C’s needed on this journey. They are simple. They aren’t complicated. But they are hard. They separate those who want to talk about change and who are willing to do the hard work.
Courage
This group should be full of men… but yet only a few reach out for help. This is because it takes courage, a tremendous amount of courage to Climb29. I have known countless men in my life who have reached out for help in a moment of desperation… yet days later after they confess they go back into hiding. They pretend this issue will leave in time or they can manage it on their own.
There are sins that cause more damage than others, there are sins with more consequences than others, but all sins are a betrayal of God. All sin is an act of defiance against God.
Yet the Church still rates some sins more than others. Some sins, like sexual sins, carry an extra weight in The Church. People tend to look down on those who struggle with this sin. As a Church we are all too often uncomfortable or unable to address some sins, so we marginalize people and make them feel like outcasts. We offer cheap answers, short prayers and weak support. This leaves us feeling even worse and even deeper into a sin that we eventually feel alone.
Jesus doesn’t do that.
Jesus is excited about your courage. The fact that you are here says something amazing about where you are in your story. That something better than lasting change can happen… you can become not just a forgiven man, but a new man. Being here is becoming a man of God.
This takes courage.
Courage is something you are going to need not just to start the journey, but again and again on this climb. You are going to have to open up to people about things you have been hiding. You are going to open up to people close to you. You are going to dig into your stories, some of which will bring up a lot of pain from your past. Sometimes change is so hard that it’s easier for people to stay in the dark. Like Brooks in Shawshank Redemption, we becoming “institutionalized” in our own brokenness. Learning to grow and change in the real world, with real followers of Jesus, takes a tremendous amount of courage.
And Jesus is with you every step of the way.
Let me share with you a secret: Everyone is a sinner, but most don’t believe they really are. So when Pastors, Elders and Leaders talk with people most people see themselves as pretty good and decent people. Many really don’t see their constant need for God. But there are some people, people with what I call “technicolor sins” (sins that The Church tends to highlight as extra bad) these people come to Jesus broken. They have addictions. They have seen their marriages fail. They can’t stay in relationships. When they look in the mirror, they see their sin and brokenness clearly, but they are here because they struggle to see God clearly. They are asking for help. The secret is this: these are the people who can experience real change because they see their need for Jesus!
Matthew 9: 11-13
When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the LORD swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:6-8
Commitment
There should be groups all over the church that meet for years. Does it take 12 weeks to become like Jesus by attending a Bible Study? Does it take 12 weeks in a course to overcome a lifetime of issues with anger? By attending church and not walking closely with others, do we really changing by what we are hearing?
The Church has lost a lot of its vision and heart for discipleship. The reason why is pretty simple: we live in a time where we aren’t willing to put in the time for long term study in order to change. We have come to expect that things should be given to us easily, quickly, with very little sacrifice.
This group is an example to others of what the Christian Journey looks like: It’s not quick. It’s not easy. It’s relational. It’s about knowing Jesus. It’s about knowing your story. It’s about understanding and believing that God didn’t make a mistake when he made you, but that he made you for such a time as this. For His Glory!
None of these can be done quickly or overnight.
There are going to be many many many times where you are tired from a long day and want to skip a meeting. Choosing to come on a regular basis and doing the hard work is a sacrifice. It’s going to take commitment again and again.
When I was in counseling, I would think of ways to get out of it during the day as the time came close. It was hard work and sometimes I was just tired of it. But I stuck with it. Each time, I had to dig deep and keep going. No one gets to the top of Climb29 because it was easy. They got to the top putting one foot in front of the other.
Your unwanted sexual behavior is what is driving you into discipleship: learning to become like Jesus. This won’t be an overnight experience. We all know a 12 week course isn’t going to fix this. It will take time. And God will meet you and transform you in that time.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6: 9
Curiosity
Of the 3 C’s this is one might be the hardest for us all to learn as a group. We all need to learn to ask questions.
For example, one of the first things people say on this journey is “when are we going to lock down our phones and start accountability?”
We all want to move quickly to tools that feel like quick fixes. While locking our phones and accountability can be good things… we first need to learn to ask questions.
We learn this by watching how God loves us. Back in Genesis 3, Adam and Eve choose to do what they wanted instead of following God’s design. Sounds a lot like our issue doesn’t it? The earthquake that happens in Genesis 3 can not be underestimated. In that moment of sin, EVERYTHING breaks. God and us. How we see ourselves. How we relate to each other. The whole world shifts from perfect and beautiful to broken and distorted. Everything is no longer as it was designed to be.
In Genesis 1 and 2 God was walking with Adam and Eve in the Garden. But in Genesis 3, they run and hide. God now knows He is going to die on the cross to redeem what is now broken. God is walking in the garden, seeing His own death coming. When God walks in the Garden in Genesis 3, you can feel His eternal heartbreak.
So what does God do? What lecture does He give? How does God respond to this evil?
He asks them a question…
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”
Genesis 3: 8&9
“Where are you?”
God knows where they are. He wants Adam and Eve to look down at themselves and understand what happened. He wants them to locate themselves in their own sin. God draws them out, so they might see, learn and change.
That is how God meets us. He asks us questions.
Why do you want to look at Porn? Why do you want to masturbate? What do you think you are solving? Why do you return to something you hate?
It’s much easier for us to say, “just tell me what to do” than it is for us to slow down and ask questions about why we keep coming back to the very thing we know is destroying us.
God does this again, in the story of Hagar in Genesis 16. Hagar was abused by Abram and Sarai. She was left for dead in the middle of the desert with no where to go. All is lost for her.
And God shows up.
With a question.
The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?”
Genesis 16: 7&8
Jesus also says to all of us: “Where have you come from and where are you going?”
Through curiosity we slow down and learn to ask questions about how we got here and how God is helping us to leave.
Discussion Questions:
Do you feel you understand all 3 of the C’s?
What one of the 3 C’s do you feel is going to be hardest for you? Why?
Commitment: Everyone is looking for a quick fix to complex problems. We know this journey won’t be quick. We also know our issue isn’t simple. Do you see any struggles about being committed to this journey? Why is commitment so important?
Courage: This group should be full of men… but yet only a few reach out for help. This is because it takes courage, a tremendous amount of courage to Climb29. How do you think this journey is going to require courage from you? Why is courage so important?
Curiosity: How do you feel being “curious” is a game changer when it comes to overcoming unwanted sexual behavior? Most people run and hide when we mess up, but Jesus stands next to us and asks us questions about why we did what we did. How will this be hard for you? How will it be good for you? Why is curiosity so important? How do you feel God calling you? What is Jesus saying to you about this journey?
Stages of Change: Where Are You?
Locating Yourself is Critical to Climbing Well
Lasting change is a long process. Here is a map of how people change in the course of time as they face an unwanted addiction. The purpose of this is to do two things:
1) Discover what stage of change you are at
2) Once you discover what stage you are at, focus only on that stage using the worksheets below and take the step into the next stage.
Click on the Stage of Change that you are at below:
Discussion Questions:
What Stage of Change do you feel you are at now? Explain to the group.
Homework:
Take the stage of change you feel you are at. Print out the worksheet and answer the questions. Bring the answers to those questions to the next group and be prepared to discuss.
Are you ready for the next elevation in Climb29?
Once everyone in your group is in the “Action” stage in Stages of Change, with your Sherpa’s thumbs up, you can climb to Elevation 2, Base Camp, 17,000ft.