The Journey Course

Spread over five months, with nearly 10 hours of video content, in-depth assignments, readings, and resources to help you understand your story based on unparalleled research of nearly 4,000 men and women.

Jay Stringer is a licensed mental health counselor and author of the award-winning book Unwanted. His clinical expertise and groundbreaking research are the foundation of this online course.

Unwanted: How Sexual Brokeness Reveals Our Way to Healing

Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing is a ground-breaking resource that explores the “why” behind self-destructive sexual choices. The book is based on research from over 3,800 men and women seeking freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, be that the use of pornography, an affair, or buying sex.

The Heart of Man Movie

The Heart of Man is a cinematic retelling of the parable of the Prodigal Son, intertwined with contemporary and poignant true testimonies of sexual brokenness. These genres are combined to reveal the compassionate heart of God the father for his sons and daughters illuminating an age-old truth: Shame is not a barrier to God's love, but a bridge to absolute transformation, freedom and hope.

Video Recap:

Underneath all of our failures we all all have something in common: each of us has a genuine longing to be free.

For our behaviors to change, we need to become different people than we are today. And this kind of change is hard.

The next couple of months will be hard work. We are here to learn about our very specific unwanted sexual behavior.

Some of the topics we are going to cover might feel strange or unneeded. But every piece of information that is included in this series, and the order in which they are presented has a very specific purpose.

Here is what the next couple of months are going to look like.

Scene 1: THE TABLE

The Table represents wholeness, or the way that life was meant to be. Wholeness is where we belong. It’s where we receive nourishment and where we gather to tell stories about where we have been and who we desire to become. 

Scene 2: THE SEA

The sea represents the times in our lives where we began to encounter confusion, heartache, and something shattering. The seas we encounter will go on to shape our entire lives. Here is where we deep dive into your family history and the formative events of your childhood that shaped the trajectory of your life.

Scene 3: THE CLIFF

The Cliff represents the particular sexual behavior you have been struggling with. Rather than teaching you tips or methods to avoid your sexual temptation we are going to be guided how to “listen to your lust”; your unwanted sexual behavior will have so much to teach you if you are willing to listen.

Scene 4: THE LAGOON

The Lagoon represents the place we consistently return to in our unwanted sexual behavior despite the consequences it has on our lives. You may want to stop your destructive sexual choices but until you realize how they have come to serve you, you can’t move away from them and toward freedom. 

Scene 5: THE CAVE

The Cave represents the hardest and most shameful portions of your sexual story. We all have sexual stories that we have all concluded, “no one should ever know about this.” We find ourselves back in the cave of shame believing we are messed up beyond repair. Getting out of the cave isn’t random. It’s about disarming the power of shame and allowing the brokenness of your sexual story to reveal things about where you have been and what God wants you to discover.

Scene 6: THE FEAST

The feast is the symbol where everything and everyone belongs. The feast is where we taste the experience of freedom. It represents the place where we not only take care of ourselves but also enjoy who God made us to be. It’s where we thrive in healthy relationships and participate in healthy communities that transform us.

The three primary questions this is built on are:

• How did I get here?

• Why do I stay?

• How do I get out of here?

We all want the answer to the last question, but can only find it after we journey through the first two.

This work can’t be rushed. It’s taken many years for your unwanted sexual behavior to form. It will take a significant commitment of time and effort to find freedom. There is no magic formula that can get you there quickly.

Find an ally for this journey. Someone you can be honest with, that is not your spouse.

Find a journal to start writing your story down and what you are learning. Your brain won’t store what you learn until you have synthesized what you heard with your own story.  You need to find a consistent way of capturing your work.

Make sure you complete “the unwanted sexual behavior self-assessment”, we will be referring to it throughout this journey.

Most important:

• Be patient and curious about this process.

• God just doesn’t want you to stop our destructive sexual behavior, God also wants us to know our story, and co-author where that story goes next.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. What makes your specific ally a good choice to accompany you?  Do you have concerns about asking them, and if so, how can you move through them?

2. Verify with your ally that you two have a common weekly time on your calendar for this work. What date and time have you chosen?*

3. Set aside a time this week to watch (or rewatch) The Heart of Man movie. What are your initial reactions? Which scenes and stories felt familiar?  In what ways did they feel familiar?

4. After receiving your Unwanted assessment feedback, what data surprised you?  Raised your curiosity?  Did any of the data make you feel concerned?

5. Did you have any initial thoughts about what you’ve read or watched and how those connect with your own story or the behavior you are hoping to eliminate?

6. Journeys like the one you are beginning can often be difficult to complete.  Have you made previous attempts to stop your unwanted sexual behavior?  What do you believe made those unsuccessful?  What do you believe you will have to do differently this time to achieve the freedom you desire?  (Note that the structures and activities we’re asking you to utilize are approaches we’ve seen raise the odds of success).*

7. Some treatments for compulsive sexual behavior or out of control sexual behavior suggest abstaining from unwanted sexual behavior (and in some cases all sexual behavior) for 60-90 days. The rationale behind this is that for neuropathways in your brain to rewire, you will need to learn how to regulate your emotions without turning toward unwanted sexual behavior. Two to three months without unwanted sexual behavior can also be one of the best ways to mitigate self-sabotage and pursue healing as you begin this journey. Some find that a filtering service like Covenant Eyes to be a great resource in helping curb the use of pornography during this critical time. Process whether or not this would be a good decision with an ally and/or a guide like a mentor or therapist. If there is a set-back on this commitment, process this with your ally and/or guide. This is not about “success” or “failure”, but setting yourself up well for your journey.*

VIDEO RECAP

Most of us go to counseling because we lack the ability to stop something and we need help. But what if we stop and look at this journey as gaining something?

We all have a hunger for something greater. A deeper connection. More meaning. A sense of what we are going to call: wholeness.

We begin this journey by keeping the end in mind: Being Whole. This is what we are aiming for.

The Heart of Man film opens showing a good and trustworthy father who sits at the head of the table affirming and enjoying each person no matter the season of life they are in.

Everyone sits together eating a meal made with love. This is the table scene.

Wholeness encompasses the delight, belonging and justice we all long to find.

God wants something more than you stop doing something; He wants to shower you with wholeness. A place where you belong, are delighted in and you can see the reason why you are here on this earth.

The writers of the Old Testament, when talking about wholeness use the word “Shalom”.  

Shalom isn’t the absence of war or conflict (peace) it’s the experience of flourishing. Cornelius Plantinga Jr describes Shalom as “the way things were meant to be.”

Think of your favorite memories as a kid. The feel of riding a bike. Summer fireflies. Your grandparents. Playing with neighborhood kids. This is the feeling of wholeness.

Wholeness is about delight

We experience wholeness as a child when you wake up on a Saturday and you explode with delight thinking about all the days adventures ahead of you.

Wholeness is about belonging

We experience wholeness as an adult when you set out on an adventure with friends, going to a familiar place you all enjoy and you are all laughing. In that moment you have a place where you belong.

Wholeness is about justice

When someone sticks up for you and you are defended. We see this when we witness justice happening anywhere. When the people on the margins have a voice and something wrong is made right again.

We are made for wholeness in Jesus and we can’t rest until we find it.

When Jesus was baptized the heavens opened and a voice said, “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”  Everyone of us longs to hear those words from our mother and father, “you are my child, I love you, and I am well pleased.”

Jesus’ first miracle was to turn water into wine.

The story is that the wine, at a wedding (that lasts 4 days) is gone. Wine allows the party to happen. Jesus first miracle isn’t to save someone; it’s to make 900 bottles of wine. Jesus brings wholeness to a party.

Jesus knows that in each of our lives, the wine will run out. And He is committed to restoring us to a feast and celebration that we could never imagine.

Wine is a symbol of the life that Jesus wants us to find.

You came here to repair your broken sexuality. But what we really desire is wholeness in your sexuality.

The brokenness of your sexuality is not the problem. It is the symptom of the parts of your life that haven’t yet found wholeness.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. Can you recall 2-3 experiences of “wholeness” from your childhood?  Where you felt you “belonged” and felt a sense of delight?  Justice?  These could be about particular people, or places, or experiences. Write down what you remember from each of those memories/experiences, and why you felt the wholeness/belonging/delight that you did.*

2. Given the three characteristics of Wholeness – Belonging, Delight, and Justice, which feel most absent to you today?  Why?

3. What are your thoughts on Jesus’ first miracle of turning water to wine?  Where in your life do you see the wine has run out?  What are your thoughts now about Jesus restoring that wine?

4. When you heard the definition of sex as being for flourishing and deep connection, and knowing the fullness of God vs. for numbing pain, relieving stress, or having an orgasm, what did you think?  How does that compare to your current understanding of sex?*

VIDEO RECAP

God gave us families to be the primary place where we experience loving, connected relationships.

The evidence of a loving family: Commitment to repair in times of conflict and be honest about their shortcomings.

Study the setting where your story was formed.  What conditions was your identity formed?

Jesus’ description of perfect is one of like a fruit that ripens.  Our becoming like Jesus is a process, not a destination.

All of us come from broken families. The stories from your childhood provide us with clues about how you came to choose a behavior you don’t want.

There are two aspects two engaging your story well: Honor and Honesty.

• Honor: knowing and delighting in another human being may be the highest privilege we have on this earth.

• Honesty: recognizing that brokenness has impacted every dimension of our lives.

Abraham is honored in scripture, but equally honest about his short comings.  Honor and Honesty are two sides of the same coin.

The father doesn’t use anger or shame to change his son.  “God have freedom to love and without the choice to say “no” there is no meaning to saying “yes”.

What was your role in your family? What was the cost of your role?

Avoiding heartache sets us up to lean on unwanted behaviors for refuge or escape.

Your family story is foundational to who you are today.

Fully honest and fully honoring;

You may think it feels dishonoring to your parents to acknowledge the painful parts of your story, but it’s actually dishonoring to yourself to deny them.

We protect our families so we don’t have to face the implications of their harm.

God is not looking for us to blame our parents for our own unresolved issues. But he is asking us to look where we felt like an orphan.  Because God want us to know wholeness.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. Why might honor and honesty be essential to your pursuit of healing?

2. What stories have you told about your parents/family that have not been completely honest – that left out the truth of your pain and heartache, and/or that were an attempt to “pseudo-honor” your parents?

3. Looking back on your life, how would you now name your parent’s failures?  What do you feel those failures have cost you? If you were more honest about these failures, how could that benefit you?  (The more details you can include in this answer, (context, actions, feelings) the more you can benefit from a new degree of honesty).*

EPISODE CASE STUDY

Christy (Found her dad’s porn collection).

1. What parts of her story felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing it?

VIDEO RECAP

“There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence, the other is to believe, and to feel and excessive and unhealthy interest in them.”  C.S. Lewis

We either think too much or too little of the role of evil in our lives. The truth for us, is somewhere in between.

Evil plots against sexuality and gender. Evil schemes to intentionally bring ruin to some of the most sacred dimensions to who we are.

Evil wants to destroy the glory of God, but it can’t. So it goes after the next best thing: Us. We are made in God’s image and evil wants to destroy it.

Evil can’t create, but it can steal, kill and destroy God’s created goodness.

Evil knows if it messes with someone’s sexuality it will have a lifelong annuity. Homes can be rebuilt. Forests can be replanted. But when you mess with someone’s sexuality and gender you will set in motion a self-sustaining destruction that will last a lifetime.

Evil knows the damage it does to our sexuality will receive the greatest return on it’s investment of anything else it works to destroy.

“In the midst of feeling trapped in the miry clay of my life, pornography lifted me out and brought me into a palace of sexual arousal. For a while it felt like the best thing I could hope for. But I also hated myself for what I was doing.”

Evil will make its most damaging invitations to us in times of personal vulnerability.

I make the choice, yes. But someone else is making the offer.

Jesus knows the road ahead is one of suffering. Evil tries to offer a way to escape the agony.

While all of us in our temptation have chosen a path of escape, Jesus chose to withstand temptation and pursued the cross.

Acknowledging evil never negates personal responsibility.

Evil knows we are far more likely to pursue shameful sexual behavior when we’re experiencing difficult emotions and problems in our core relationships.

Evil knows we are most likely to be at war with our desire instead of pursing healing and beauty for our sexual stories.

Evil is not without tremendous vulnerability.

The irony of all this unwanted sexual behavior is that it’s against sex. It’s not that we pursue too much sex; but that we pursue anti-sexual behavior.  Sex is intended to be beautiful; and we know in our hearts is we are pursing a knock-off version.

It’s not possible to be too sexual. But it is possible to be trapped in anti-sexual behavior.

Your unwanted sexual behavior is actually a statement of how much you hate sex.

Freedom FROM: is one way of looking at unwanted sexual behavior where you measure how good (or not good) you are doing.

Freedom FOR: is about looking at what are you doing this work FOR? If you were not bound by unwanted sexual behavior, what would you be free to accomplish? Shift the question to “what is my freedom FOR?”

Ask yourself, “Why do you want to be free?” You can shift your focus from fixing yourself to dreaming about your redemption.

Freedom FOR disarms evil. In the act of creating, evil can’t participate.

Addiction robs your sexual desire. Beauty plays your desire like a violin.

You and Evil are not equal forces. We have the upper hand.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. What have been your previous beliefs about evil in the world and in your story?  Did anything in the book or video change your views?

2. Sometimes we join evil in its hatred of sex.  How is your unwanted sexual behavior a statement “against” sex?

3. As you recall the beginnings of your unwanted sexual behavior, what degree of vulnerability was present that may have introduced an opportunity for evil?*

4. Considering the significant difference between “freedom from” vs. “freedom for,” what does the idea of “freedom for” within your story make you wonder or want?*

EPISODE CASE STUDY

1. What parts of Jay’s story felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing it?

VIDEO RECAP

My relationship to pornography was not random. It was a direct reflection of the parts of my childhood that remained unaddressed.

Pornography highlighted the ways I tried to make life work in response to how I grew up.

The sea in the bible is where we experience the absence of God. It’s when we look to distant lands for counterfeit versions of comfort.

In the Heat of Man Film we see the sea as the context that lures the son into his eventual unwanted choices.  While we don’t know what the son’s home was like, clearly the sea is the place that raised doubt and uncertainty about the goodness of his father. The seas of life are where we wonder if something other than God is worth exploring.

Families are too often like the seas for us. Seas are what take us to unwanted sexual behavior.

The First Sea: Rigidity.  A rigid home has excessive rules and regulations. Here, a parent rules the family with an iron fist, but they are not complaint to anyone.

Rigid family systems see everything as a black or white issue. Even in a complex choice; rigid families make dogmatic decisions that benefit those in authority.

Healthy families are like barriers around the Grand Canyon. The point is to keep you from dying, but expand the possibility of play. But imagine a 12 foot wall around the Grand Canyon. It would keep you safe; but also stop you from exploring and playing. Rigid family systems don’t experience much play or fun.  Family is order. When order is broken there is conflict.

You either comply (golden child) or depart (black sheep)

Men who grew up with strict fathers are more likely to develop fantasies of power over women.

If we were powered over; we tend to see to have power.

Rigidity leads to anger because you are constantly exposed to the misuse of power or hypocrisy of those who have authority.

When you are exiled (black sheep) or powerless (the golden child) be on high alert for anger. If you don’t know what to do with this anger it’s going to be like a tropical storm entering the warm waters of the Caribbean. A hurricane is going to ensure. You are going to destroy something very important to you. 

Pornography appeals to so many of us because it gives us an arena to reclaim power. On the Internet you can have whatever you want.

The Second Sea: Disengaged. Disengaged what happens when a parent chooses to withdraw physically or emotionally from their children’s lives.

If you grew up in a disengaged home, you have a profound sense that you are not prepared for the world.

Children from disengaged homes find that life is found outside of the family.

The connection you do feel with your family often comes through performance.  If you are making good grades, taking your vitamins, there is a connection. But when a real emotion comes you are left alone.

When you faced a difficult struggle did your parents care?

Children who desired more involvement from their mothers and fathers were more likely to have adults touch them inappropriately.

Disengagement sets the stage for harm.

As we developed, the normal sexual desires we felt growing up got corrupted. We allow our desire for sex to become the ultimate counterfeit for real affection. Instead of pursing the holistic experience of love that includes emotional, spiritual and physical union we seek out people for the sex they can offer us.

However, when this happens, the pain of not being loved is fused with a lust for sex. The longer that hunger goes unmet, the more entitled and desperate we feel to meet it.

Your anger born out of a rigid family or disengaged family must go somewhere.

I want you to be REALLY curious about your anger and lust.

Your lust is revealing a deeper desire for belonging. And your anger is revealing your radar for injustice.

When you study these, they will guide you out of these toxic seas.

DISCUSSION:

Discuss the questions in bold

(As you record your memory, it’s important to see it as if you are watching a movie, and record it without any judgment or interpretation.  Simply recall it as it happened).*

1. In what ways was your family characterized by being rigid?  Write down 1-2 examples of scenes or memories you have of rigidity playing out in your family.  

2. Do you see any ways that rigidity may have influenced your choices in unwanted sexual behavior?  (e.g. that you chose it, or what you’ve chosen)

3. In what ways was your family characterized by being disengaged?  Write down 1-2 examples of scenes or memories you have of disengagement playing out in your family.

Do you see any ways that disengagement may have influenced your choices in unwanted sexual behavior?  

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Jay (rigid and disengaged family), Sam (disengaged – skateboard became mobile phone), and Alyssa (Both disengaged and rigid; wanted the boots)

1. What parts of their stories felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing them?

VIDEO RECAP

The third sea: when relationships become too close in an unhealthy way. This is called Triangulation or emotional enmeshment.

Triangulation occurs when here is a breakdown in a marriage and a child learns to play a role that overcompensates for that breakdown.

When a father spends time treating his daughter like a princess, but ignoring his wife.  Or a mom confides in her son because her husband is distant.

A child is used as a source of comfort for his mother or father. A child then believes that it is their purpose to meet their parent’s needs.

This has subtle, yet invasive effects on your ability to develop healthy relationships in the future.

Your ability to make choices about autonomy, your own well-being, and set boundaries, are all negatively impacted.

“Porn is way easier, I can get pleasure with no requirements.” Alex’s mom was invasive in his life and was deeply enmeshed in his life. She needed all the details as if she was watching her favorite TV show: ME

Alex didn’t know what was worse: to be removed from his mom and feel guilt or be close to his mom and feel trapped.

But this affected Alex. In relationships, the moment they began to lean on him for emotional support, he ended the relationship. Pornography was much more appealing.

It’s natural as we mature and grow to move outside of the family. But the enmeshed parent, sensing your desire for autonomy, puts you in an emotional headlock.

When you are triangulated you keep your parents affections as long as you continue to play the role of confidant or emotional surrogate. But secretly you want freedom.  When you hide this, the stage is set for unwanted sexual behavior.

The triangulated son feels like they need to keep tabs on their mother’s well being.  The triangulated son knows how flawed his father is. So he works hard to fill the void.

Triangulation will continue without an honest conversation. When Triangulation is not addressed prior to marriage, it can become a version of an emotional affair for many newlyweds.

The bind is that you are going to have to disappoint someone.  If you don’t address this, there will be tension in your marriage. If you do address this, it will be hard to face with you parent.

The goal is to learn how to be increasingly honest and honoring of your parent, and be clear about where your loyalty resides.

It will never be a good time to break up with your parent. Now is the best time.

Even when this is over, you need to step back and look at the debris. Many men are afraid to give a deep and passionate connection to their wives because they are afraid of being trapped all over again.

If any of these examples resonate with you be on alert that you are probably using your past enmeshment to avoid the difficult work of maturing in relationships. Just because you broke up with your parent, doesn’t mean that you are free from the effects of Triangulation. 

Rigidity, Disengagement and Triangulation each set the stage early in our lives for unwanted sexual behavior.

DISCUSSION:

Discuss the questions in bold

1. In what ways do you feel you (or someone else in your family) had a triangulated relationship with your mother and/or your father?

2. Write out 2-3 scenes of times you remember one or both of your parents confiding in you, asking you to be their confidant or source of comfort, or other unhealthy enmeshing behaviors.*

3. To what degree does the triangulation continue today?

4. In what was do you see this effecting your sexuality?

5. In what ways do you see this effecting your intimate relationships with others?

6. If you weren’t in a triangulated relationship with your parent, (e.g. “the chosen one”), were there privileges you envied?  Were their freedoms you took advantage of? Do you see these patterns still active in your life today?

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Alex  (enmeshed relationship with his mom) and Susan (“dates” with Dad)

1. What parts of their stories felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing them?

VIDEO RECAP

For many, people think sexual abuse is inconsequential. But sexual abuse functions on a spectrum.

When something happens to us, our brain is affected in clear ways. Trauma also happens when we are bullied at school or publicly ashamed.

There are three important things you need to know about trauma in regards to unwanted sexual behavior:

1. Whatever the event, it has a lasting imprint on your brain. Trauma isn’t something that happened a long time ago, it lives with us in that imprint.

2. It doesn’t just live in our heads as a bad memory, it can also effect us physically as well.

3. People who have been traumatized feel like they have lost part of their soul. “When that thing happened to me, part of me died.”

In Joe’s story, pornography gave him an opportunity to escape the humiliation he felt and offered him a world where he could critique other people’s bodies and never felt inferior.

Joe’s experiences negatively shaped his brain because they were in fact trauma.

You may not remember stories when you were younger, but your brain does as you learned how to protect yourself. In Joes story we see how trauma effected him; and that pornography was his attempt to resolve it.

Sexual abuse is wider than what you may be thinking. The spectrum of abuse can be vast, both in severity and duration.

The point isn’t to compare you experience to someone else.  The way your mind, soul, and body metabolized your traumatic experiences is reenacting itself in unwanted sexual behavior that is very particular to you.

What happens to us in sexual abuse?

1. The abuser connected with you. There is always a context. Trust is almost always the foundation of sexual abuse. A friend, parent, babysitter…

2. During your abuse you likely felt arousal and pleasure. The goal is for you to feel special and chosen.

3. The third core experience is secrecy. Secrecy happens once you feel complicit or your abuser threatened you.

4. In the aftermath, you feel shamed and eventually numb. In the end you have a deep sense of confusion and guilt.

How your brain is wounded by sexual abuse, trauma and harmful experiences stay with us for life and they show up in destructive ways.

Brittany’s sexual abuse with Sam became repeated in her unwanted sexual behavior as an adult.  Years later when she had an affair with a lawyer, the ingredients of her original abuse were present. 

Dan Allender: “What is the impact of sexual abuse over a lifetime? A lifetime.”

These early childhood traumas have lead to the deeply entrenched behaviors that mark your life today.

The journey to healing is about blessing what your body experienced. Blessing in no way condones what was done to you. But only in honoring what our bodies experienced will we be able to choose situations as an adult that honor that behavior as well. If we hate ourselves in our past, it is highly likely we will put ourselves in situations where we hate ourselves in the future.

The sense of bonding you felt was good. God planted in you a desire and passion to be known and seen.

Evil wants you disconnected from pleasure and delight; the work of the gospel is to restore us back into them.  Trauma shatters that wholeness; but through Jesus you can have that wholeness back.

Rigidity, Disengagement, Triangulation and Sexual Abuse will sow the seeds of self hatred.

Your understanding of who you are has been distorted.

Change will come to the degree that you study and grieve the conditions that formed you into the person you are today.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. What evidence of trauma and/or sexual abuse do you see in your story?

2. Given what you learned in this episode and the chapters you read, do you have new insights about experiences you’d previously dismissed as inconsequential?*

3. If you have previously acknowledged sexual abuse within your story, to what degree have you talked about it with others?  Did the readings/episode shed any new light on where to go from here? (I urge you to find a therapist or someone you trust to confide in if you haven’t already)

4. Did the person who harmed you play an important role in your life and/or family?  How did they earn your trust?

5. What connections do you see between the trauma and/or sexual abuse in your story and your particular unwanted sexual behavior?*

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Joe (moved to new school) Clayton (Camping/archery with Uncle) Brittany (visited grandparents, abused by cousin Sam)

1. What parts of their stories felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing them?

VIDEO RECAP

What if the details of your sexual fantasies held the keys to the freedom you seek?

Each of us in this group has a well developed template for what you find arousing, the collection of images, thoughts, activities, sounds, words, facial expressions, times of day, relationship structures, locations… are all very well crafted ingredients in the cocktail of what arouses you.

Every one of these ingredients has a message to deliver about how your unwanted sexual behavior came to be.

If you are willing to listen to the messages within your sexual fantasies they have so much to teach you.

In the Heart of Man Movie, The Cliff represents the location where the son decides to pursue destructive sexual choices.

Each of us has jumped off the cliff 1,000 times and have despised ourselves.  Instead of despising ourselves, what if we stopped to understand why our cliff is so alluring in the first place.

Have you ever wondered why you choose your specific cliff and even more, why that cliff might be enticing to you?

Imagine your life as a house. Lust comes knocking.  We run. We hide. We let lust in and ransack our home. We are used to suppressing or indulging. Neither leads to freedom.

What if you met lust out on the front porch, and in curiosity, asked lust questions about, “why now? Why here? Why this story?”

God understands these questions asked on this porch to be the very stage through which the work of redemption will be played out in our lives.

The father is at the cliff, not to condemn us, but to meet us there and ask us questions. “Adam, where are you?”  “Adam, who told you, you were naked?”

Listening to your lust will take you to a radically different vantage point from which to understand your sexual brokenness.

Our sexual fantasies reveal our attempt to reverse or repeat a past or present situation. For some of us it’s connected to the trauma we talked about previously.

Our pornography of choice can be both shaped by and predicted by the parts of our story that remain unaddressed.

Small body types, younger people, people in service to you:

1. A significant lack of purpose

2. High levels of shame

3. A strict father

“If you do not transform your pain, you will always transmit it.” – Father Richard Rohr 

1. Tell me about the age and context of your first porn experience

2. Tell me about any significant trauma as a child (ages 5-15)

Scott, playing upstairs with his brother: His dad hit him across the face with the lampshade, ordering Scott to his knees. Do you think Scotts desire for pornography of people where he has power over them isn’t connected to his story?

We spend a lifetime praying for grace and forgiveness in the hopes that we will one day be able to stop our unwanted sexual behavior.

Your frustration in life has to be directed somewhere. If we have unaddressed hurt and anger; we will aim our anger and control at women.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. If you were on the porch of your “life house,” as described in the video, and lust visited you, what questions would you want to ask your lust, and why?*

2. In your lust, what are the top 2-3 fantasies you repeatedly search for that arouse you?  (e.g. in search bars for porn, or in your mind as you fantasize about others). Write out this narrative in detail – how the fantasy typically unfolds; how it progresses; Are there specific times of day you are more likely to pursue this fantasy? ( e.g. late afternoons, before bed) Specific settings or circumstances? (e.g. business travel, etc.)*

3. What observations do you made about these fantasies?  Do you see any patterns across them? Do these patterns reveal any “clues” into your own story of sexual brokenness?*

4. How do you see your unwanted sexual behavior/lust giving you control over some aspect of your life? (For example, in Scott’s story, he learned to gain control over submissive women to regain control for what he lost to his boss and father).*

EPISODE CASE STUDY

Scott (introduced to porn in 5th grade in basement; hit with father by lampshade)

1. What parts of his story felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing it?

VIDEO RECAP

Our unwanted sexual behaviors have so much to teach us if we are willing to listen. The unwanted sexual behavior you’ve been struggling with is not a life sentence. It’s an opportunity to learn about your heart in areas you may be been closed off to.

God wants to exchange your broken story for a redeemed one.

The more curious we are about how our sexual life came to be, the more our path to healing will be revealed.

Carlos:

Carlos was engaged and his girlfriend found his porn on his phone. He told her that once they were married this desire would go away. He falsely concluded that marriage would reduce his draw toward pornography. He feared that sharing his pornography struggles would lead to rejection.

He feared that sharing his pornography struggles would lead to rejection. Like so many, he believed more in his ability to stop using pornography than he did he could be loved more, not less, if he could share his brokenness with others.

The main theme in his porn use, was trying to be cared for and seduced by an older woman. He felt rest when he orgasmed to this fantasy.

His parents worked two jobs. He was the first to go to school. When his parents were working he hung out with his friends and it’s when he saw porn for the first time.

The introduction to pornography is so commonplace that we don’t even consider the way to goes on to shape and normalize our future use of it.

In 8th grade his mom got cancer and died. His mom loved Jesus. Carlos was told after his mom’s death he needed to care for the family. In order to do this he needed to drop sports and spend less time with his friends. That night is when he saw a movie about an older woman seducing a young man. He ached when he saw this and he wanted it. Someone older. Someone to pursue him.

His porn searches carried the keys to what he needed to talk about: His unwanted sexual behavior offered a version of the feminine comfort he was deeply hungering for-and lost.

Men who look at this type of pornography have three key drivers:

• Depression

• A father who confided in them

• Higher sexual abuse scores

These are not to be absolute conclusions – but there could be factors that you need to think about. The connection could be as simple as a time in your life where you went to something painful and didn’t receive the care you needed.

The point of listening to your lust is to allow your sexual fantasies to mirror back to you something you haven’t been able to see: about your longings or your wounds.

He struggled to share his learning’s with his fiancé. Marriage would challenge him to be vulnerable with his pain and confront some of the debris of his story. He would need to trust his pain with a real woman he couldn’t control.

Carolos came to two amazing observations on his own:

• Pornography revealed the ways men address their problems. We objectify women as one of the primary ways to deal with stress, boredom and frustrations.

• He allowed himself to listen to what his depression might be trying to communicate rather than fight it off. He had to allow himself to grieve.

His new found openness set the tone for vulnerability in his marriage. He allowed his lust to highlight the areas of his life where God could most powerfully work.

Mandy & Tom:

Marriage is one of the most beautiful and hardest places to be. This holy contradiction is not evidence of a failing marriage, it’s evidence of marriage.

It’s within the disappointment of married life that we are vulnerable to an affair.  Someone shows us kind attention and our heart comes alive.

People with unwanted sexual behavior realize their spouse can’t or won’t meet their relational or sexual expectations. So they look for someone or something else that can.

Mandy left her husband Tom for another man, who in turn left her. She came to counseling divorced, now single and jobless.

Let’s use Mandy as a case study and explore what her backstory might be.

Connect the dots between your current patterns of sexual brokenness, and your backstory of where they may have begun.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. What family issues might Mandy have experienced that lead to her struggle with desire and feeling unworthy?*

2. In what was are Mandy’s sexual struggles playing out in her marriage to Tom?*

3. How did Mandy’s core beliefs make Chad desirable?*

4. Who in Mandy’s story might these men represent?  Why?*

5. As you consider the inventory of arousal patterns you identified in our last episode, what aspects of your backstory (e.g. family, sexual formation, trauma/abuse, etc.) may have set those specific fantasies in motion?*

6. How can being this honest about your own arousal templates enable you to respond differently the next time “lust knocks on your door?”  How can you best prepare in advance for that moment?*

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Carlos (fiancé found porn on his phone) and Mandy (struggled with desire, divorced Tom, affair with boss).

1. What parts of their stories felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing them?

VIDEO RECAP

Where did it come from? Why do I stay? How do I leave?

Why do I stay: What keeps you in unwanted sexual behavior?

You will never be able to leave your unwanted sexual behavior until you understand what experiences keep you bound to it.

Everyone wants to get out; but until you figure out why you stay, you will spend your life spinning your wheels trying to find traction.

Recognizing how your sexual brokenness serves you, despite it’s consequences is what we are going to address.

The lagoon: the place of brokenness you return to.  If we are honest, there is something about the lagoon that we find appealing.

People can be exhausting, even demanding. Pornography allows us to set our own expectations.

You can’t leave the lagoon until your heart is captivated by an image of someone you want to become.

The lagoon is a promise of escape from difficulties, a sense of reward from suffering and a place to find pleasure in monotony of life.

First of 5 Core Experiences of Unwanted Sexual Behaviors: DEPRIVATION

We deprive ourselves from pursuing good decisions when we avoid meaningful relationships and avoid healthily behaviors that could bring care to our lives.  There is a see-saw of deprivation on one side, and sexual entitlement on the other.

New Doctor: he had suffered and sacrificed and now, he felt like he deserved any sexual behavior he wanted.

Deprivation: This promotes entitlement, but then, when you are ashamed of your entitled choices, you won’t choose what is truly good for you because you don’t feel like you deserve it and you really could be loved.

Most people with unwanted sexual behavior suffer with self-care: exercise, eating well, time with friends, Sabbath days. You roam through life feeling overworked or under appreciated, which then sets us up to demand what we believe we deserve.

Sometimes we don’t see how much we have deprived ourselves until we start acting out. We need to be curious about how the sexual behavior you want to stop might be your attempt to nourish legitimate and Holy needs.

Second of 5 Core Experiences of Unwanted Sexual Behaviors: DISSOCIATION

When our “needs” go unmet, the discouragement and disappointment make us want to escape.

You see on Facebook that your friends went away for the weekend and you weren’t invited, so you binge on Netflix and online shopping for a weekend. Or you finished a big project at work, and you deserve to break your diet for a massive dinner and treats. At first, these are so called “Guilty Pleasures”; but for those of us with unwanted sexual desires, these are ritualized forms of escape that function as a gateway drug to more destructive sexual behaviors.

After you indulge in one behavior that you don’t feel good about; the likelihood of doing a greater 2nd or 3rd greatly increases.

We start with a milder form of escape, and a milder version of judgment against ourselves.

The difference between a healthy escape and a dissociation lies in the reason behind WHY you are doing them and how much delight they offer.

The self-contempt you feel after dissociation leads to a greater need for an escape, of your previous bad choice.

When you deprive yourself of things that could be good for you, it reinforces feelings that make us want to escape.

Once we have established a routine of escape, we eventually believe we are undeserving of anything good. Which sets the stage for more Deprivation.

Deprivation and dissociation are self-perpetuating and self-reinforcing.  In what ways to you deprive yourself of good things? Or getting the genuine care you need? When do you tell yourself you are undeserving? What escapes you choose? Overworking? Eating? Drinking?

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. Where does deprivation show up in your life? (either the avoidance of healthy choices or meaningful relationships?)*

2. Why do you think you deprive yourself of these things?  What would happen if you allowed yourself to have them?

3. Can you see the “see saw” of deprivation and entitlement in your life?  (you deprive yourself of something good, feel entitled to something you know is unhealthy, feel worse and further deprive yourself?)

4. Select one of the areas in which you deprive yourself of something good, and commit to setting aside resources (time, money, etc) in the coming week to allow yourself to have it.  Afterwards, take the time to reflect on what the experience felt like.*

5. What are some of the “gateway” choices of dissociation that precede your unwanted sexual behavior?  (e.g. TV, social media, shopping, eating, etc.).  Write out a 1-2 typical scenes of the rituals that lead up to your unwanted sexual behavior on any given day.  What are the typical circumstances leading up to indulging your unwanted sexual behavior?  (This may be as early as 24 hours prior to your unwanted sexual behavior that you are triggered).  Looking for the pattern of dissociative choices will help you identify what exactly you are trying to dissociate from.*

6. What do these scenes you’ve written out suggest about what you are trying to escape from? (e.g. work pressures, difficult relationship dynamics, part of your life that you dislike, etc).*

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Lawrence (just finished medical residency)

1. What parts of his story felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing it?

VIDEO RECAP

We talked about Deprivation and Dissociation in a discussion on “Why do we stay”, today we are talking about “Futility”

If could be your job, failed attempts to loose weight…. Many of Jay’s clients express some aspect of their life as feeling stuck, directionless, and ultimately that their lives have no purpose.

“Why bother??” is the mantra of futility.

When you look at your life and see failures, and because of that you feel unmotivated.

Pornography is not an isolated struggle; it’s a symptom of a larger issue of futility, when you don’t have a clear sense of who we are and who we want to become.

“Can you drink this cup” by Henry Nouwen.

Cup: This is an image of your life. A cup is you, but what is in that cup is your story, everything that makes you, you.

Hold Your Cup, look inside and honestly naming the contents. Lifting the cup is about how we take ownership of the life we have.  

This doesn’t mean you like what is in your cup; it means you know what is in your cup.  

We cry out too like Jesus, “Father, if there is any way, take this cup of suffering from me.” We want our stories exchanged for something new. We feel trapped in the person we are and long for healing from our brokenness.

But something happens inside us when we are honest… like water running over rocks the rocks become smooth. We too, when we are honest about our lives can start to change.

We become more kind and compassionate with ourselves when we see our sorrows. This allows us to move from protesting our cup, to lifting it to our lips and take what God has given us.

If we don’t look at our cups, we pursue fantasies, looking for different “cups”. 

Futile people often take inventory of how much we have messed up. We are experts at looking at what is wrong.

We are called into an ongoing process of discovering and refining who you really want to be.

We aren’t here to stop doing something bad, but in the process of becoming someone truly stunning!

We can have a great sense of who we are at work, but our sense of purpose and identity at home can me wrapped up in futility.

The more you choose to own the cup of you life and drink the goodness the more you will experience change.

Henry Nouwen, “Can You Drink This Cup” – The “Cup” represents your life, your whole story and who you are.

1. Take Your Cup (Receive Your Story as Your Own)

2. Look In Your Cup (Know your story)

3. Lift Your Cup to God (Present your story to God as an offering)

4. Drink Your Cup (Accept your story)

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. In which areas of your life do you feel “stuck” or lacking a sense of purpose?  Write out 2-3 stories that illustrate how this feeling of being stuck or without purpose shows up in your life.*

2. What is in your “life’s cup” that you wish was not? What explanations have you made for why those things are in your cup or how they got to be there?  Write out statements you have made about these aspects of your life’s cup.  What emotions do you see present in these statements?*

3. Feelings of anger, bitterness or resentment are often expressions of unaddressed grief.  If you stepped back to see beneath the emotions you identified, what aspects of your cup might you need to “grieve?”

4. What aspects of your life’s cup seem to be flourishing?  Where do you feel a sense of purpose or direction in your life?  What explanations have you made for why these areas of your life are doing well while those you identified above are not?  As you did above, write out these explanations.*

5. What contrast do you notice between the explanations you made above about the “stuck” aspects of your life vs. the explanations about areas that are flourishing?*

6. What would have to change for the areas of your life where you feel stuck or lacking purpose to feel like you had “greater ownership?” What would you need to feel prepared to make those changes?  What is stopping you from becoming prepared to make those changes?*

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Bill (Successful attorney, struggling marriage), Ashley  (College dropout/ride share driver), and Brandon  (Engineer passed over for promotion, comes alive on weekends).

1. What parts of their stories felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing them?

VIDEO RECAP

Lust is desire gone mad.

But, anger and lust often go together for many of us.  Jay says, “I’ve actually never met someone who struggles deeply with lust who isn’t also dealing with unaddressed anger.”

You can be angry about something, and almost immediately start the journey into preoccupation to lessen your sense of betrayal.

Lust is like a car battery; you need it to start the car. But anger is often the fuel that keeps that car of unwanted sexual behavior going.

Male anger is often at the center of so much of the brokenness we all know.

Christian paradigms that exclusively focus on lust management fail to lead to lasting freedom because they don’t address our anger.

If we don’t address our anger; we are set up to fail.

If you want to find out why you pursue unwanted sexual behavior, you need to figure out what’s got you so angry.

Jesus says, when we lust we are adulterer’s. When we get angry we are murderers. Why would Jesus be so extreme?

When we don’t get what we want; we get angry.

When you look at a woman and no one sees; we think this is harmless. But it’s not.

When we are seduced into behaviors that don’t bring honor to God, ourselves, or others, something in us is compromised.

Jesus understood that lust has an endless degree of escalation options. When we covet, we become unfaithful to the wholeness Jesus desires us to experience.

People with unwanted sexual behavior tend to have numerous conflicts with important people in their life.

We are prone to be discontent and frequently perceive that life doesn’t go their way.  Or worse; people are out to make your life miserable.

Your core belief is that life won’t work out the way you it to.

Your anger towards your spouse when she withholds sex.

Or when you look in the mirror, you see a pathetic person looking back; angry at yourself.

In anger, someone dies.

Story of Keith: 10:15 -16:21

Something in him feels the same hatred against himself and the world that he’s had all day.

If someone is angry at other people; they are almost always dealing with a life of self contempt.

We need to study our anger like we study our lust. It highlights the parts of our story where we know we need change.

The problem is that our anger seduces us into lust, where we feel insistent where we get what we want.

 The 5 core experiences of unwanted sexual behavior:

• Deprivation

• Dissociation

• Futility

• Lust

• Anger

Any one of these are destructive; but together they are a category 5 hurricane.

How is anger and lust a part of your lagoon? What roles do they play in your unwanted sexual behavior.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. What insights did you gain from hearing the strong connection between lust and anger? What areas of your unwanted sexual behavior came to mind as you listened to them?

2. Where do you see anger fueling your unwanted sexual behavior?  What are the circumstances that typically provoke your anger? (e.g. struggling relationships, things not going your way, envy, etc.)*

3. Write out stories of the last three times you chose unwanted sexual behavior.  As you reflect on these stories, can you see where anger may have been driving some aspect of your choice?*

4. As you heard Keith’s story, which aspects did you identify with?  Where did you see the interplay between lust and anger?

5. Based on what you heard, what aspects of Keith’s life are keeping him in the lagoon of his unwanted sexual behavior?*

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Keith (Day in the life from wake up until evening)

1. What parts of his story felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing it?

Video Recap

This is where we enter “The Cave”, the part of the movie where evil has us feel trapped and we are hopeless.

Futility, Lust, and Anger become intensified the longer someone stays in the cave of unwanted sexual behavior.

How long have you been in this cave?

Overtime:

• Futility becomes Resignation

• Lust becomes Perversion

• Anger becomes Degradation

There are many of you who believe that because your unwanted sexual behavior hasn’t progressed to overtly violent themes or other severe behavior, that you are not as broken as those who have. And there are many of you who believe that because your sexual choices have progressed into extremes that make the rest of the world wince, that you, therefore are beyond repair.

You are both wrong. Each of these conclusions is a form of self-deception that further anchors us in our unwanted sexual behavior.

Concluding you are not as bad as those who pursue violent or vile forms of sexual behaviors is a form of denial that weakens your conviction to change.

Concluding that because you’ve crossed all the lines you swore you would never cross is a form of self-condemnation that also justifies not changing, because there is no point to trying.

Trying to stack different types of sexual sin in some artificial hierarchy, to either help you or justify or condemn yourself, does you no good.

The first experience of the cave: Resignation. This is the intensified version of futility.

Overtime we conclude that we are beyond repair and that there is no point in trying.

We deaden our soles to the possibility of true freedom. One person says they don’t need to change, the other says they can’t.

Resignation: 1) The act of retiring or giving up a position. 2) The acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable.

The second experience of the cave: Perversion. This is the intensified version of Lust.

Beneath lust us a God given desire for connection. But this is that connection gone mad. 

The only way to make our brains reproduce that original experience of satisfaction, pleasure and well-being is to escalate to a more intense or perverted fantasy.

The escalation of our perversion is not evidence that we are beyond repair.  But it is evidence that we have become numb to a sexual life that bears honor and beauty.

Perversion: 1) The alteration of something from its original course, the distortion or corruption of what it was first intended. 2) Sexual behavior that is unacceptable

The third experience of the cave: Degradation. This is the intensified version of Anger.

All of us live with some sense of the unfairness of life. When we have endured harm that has never been vindicated we experience entitlement. We believe we have the right to avenge our disappointment.

The waiter who gets your order wrong. Your child who doesn’t listen. Your spouse who withholds intimacy. You find yourself enraged.

When you are engaged you feel so violated that the only source of satisfaction becomes to violate in return.

Our fantasies here become entitled, even violent.

There is meaning in your degradation and God is no less passionate to pursue you.

Degradation: 1) The condition or process of degrading or being degraded.  2) The wearing down of a rock by disintegration

Pornography exists due to violence against women and men. Until we see and name the anger and entitlement behind it, freedom from it won’t be possible.

Every time you engage in unwanted sexual behavior in any form you perpetuate our cultures excessive tolerance of violence against women.

To whatever degree resignation, perversion, and degradation characterize your unwanted sexual behavior has absolutely no bearing on the freedom and redemption available to you.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. Which of the three intensifiers do you most identify with and why?

2. Which form of resignation (resigned to severe unwanted sexual behavior or resigned to “occasional struggle” you don’t believe to be overly damaging) do you most identify with?  Write out 2-3 examples of how you’ve used resignation (e.g. what you’ve thought, what you’ve said, what you’ve done) to justify your choices.*

3. Where have you seen an escalation in your sexual behavior?  Write down an example of the progression of your sexual fantasies/unwanted behavior.  Think back to your earliest exposure to unwanted sexual choices (e.g. pornography or the use of images) to where they are today.  Document the moments in your story where your fantasies/behavior progressed further; recall the moments where “you moved the line” and what your justifications were as you did so.*

4. Where have you identified aspects of your story as being “Unfair?” What about that part of your story feels unfair and if you could, what would you have changed?  Where do you feel a lack of being vindicated for harm you’ve endured, or lingering experiences of having been mistreated or misunderstood?  Write out detailed stories of these experiences.*

5. Where has this anger shown up in your unwanted sexual behavior?  Where have you seen degradation, and in what form, in your sexual choices?  Write out detailed stories of these experiences.

6. On the continuum between “too far gone” and “not that bad,” has your orientation to where your unwanted sexual behavior resides shifted as a result of what you’ve heard? How?*

7. Now that you understand that your unwanted sexual behavior contributes to violence against women, how will you make different choices the next time you are tempted?*

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Abby (Graphic designer, promiscuity) and Jeremy (affair with coworker while travelling)

1. What parts of their stories felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing them?

Video Recap 

Shame is a feeling that results from unwanted sexual behavior; Shame is also something that drives us towards unwanted sexual behavior.

Men with high shame scores were 300x more likely to view pornography. Women who experienced shame where 546x more likely to view pornography.

Shame was present long before your unwanted sexual behavior became a permanent staple in your life.

Shame makes us want to hide. It tells us that something about is us damaged or foul, and we would be better off unseen.

The more we run from shame the stronger it becomes.

Running from shame legitimizes its messages about us: How ugly we are. How damaged we are. How we will never change… feel more and more true with every attempt we try and escape these messages.

Shame is ready with an inventory about you any time you try and face it or attempt to change.

We have given shame permission to convince us that change isn’t possible.

Shame only has power in so far as we believe its condemnation.

Honesty is the greatest weapon you have against shame. Your vulnerability is the strongest antidote you have to its paralyzing force.

Shame doesn’t have to be a barrier to love; it can actually be a bridge to it. We see this when the son is rescued from the cave and they begin to recraft the violin.

Beauty and healing occur when we bring the shadow pieces to the foreground. God, our Father, is not ashamed of our choices or the things that lead us to them. The Father’s love to redeem us from shame will prevail.

In Jesus, all of our shame and sin has been covered and forgiven: Past, Present and Future.

Tony’s vulnerability and honesty about his shame opened up a whole new perspective on what was possible.

Kimberly’s story, shared with her trusted friend, became a place of connection.

I talking with her friend, Her eating disorder was telling a story. Her disorder was a roadmap that told her where she had been and how she had learned to make life work within her family.

Shame loses its power when you place your story into the hands of someone else who loves you and helps you see it in a whole new way.

DISCUSSION

Discuss the questions in bold

1. What are the core accusations of shame in your story?  What does it continue to try and convince you of?

2. In what ways have you attempted to run from shame, and what has been the result?

3. In what ways has faith/spirituality been used to further shame in your life?  Do those sources/ voices still exist, and are they adversely impacting your faith today? How might you begin to separate your faith and understanding of God from those messages?*

4. What are the lies about you and your story that shame keeps telling you? Write these out in detail.  For each lie you’ve identified, where in your story do you suspect that lie to have originated?*

5. For each lie, what “truth” would you want it to be replaced with?  What does the Father say about you that would negate each lie? Write out these messages for each lie you identified.*

6. Who are the people or experiences in your life today that continue to reinforce these lies?  Write these names/places/experiences next to each lie.*

7. Confronting the power, and sources of shame in your current story, will require a new level of courage and resilience.  What would it require for you to dismantle the power of these people/experiences that perpetuate lies and shame in your life?  Who in your community (e.g. your ally, trusted friends who’ve journeyed with you) can provide the support you’ll need to do this?  What will be your next steps?  What lessons can you take from Tony and Kimberly’s examples of inviting others to help?*

EPISODE CASE STUDIES

Tony (Bike ride with friend) and Kimberly (eating disorder)

1. What parts of their stories felt familiar to you?

2. What insights did you gain from hearing them?

Video Recap 

Wholeness is the discovery of common delights, simple pleasures, and even reframing some of the ways you’ve understood your brokenness.

One client said that pursing healing for sexual purity was like constantly pulling weeds; instead of planting a beautiful garden.

We need to learn to plant and tend the garden that is our story. We plant and pull to maintain the beauty of the garden that God has given us.

The feast is beautiful because you know the cost that was paid and faced in order to be at the table.

The feast allows all of our stories to be welcome at the table.

We are going to explore three important gardening tools:

1. Learning to Care for Yourself

2. Learning How to Form Healthy Relationships

3. Learning How to Participate in Meaningful Community

We are going to focus on #1: Learning to Care for Yourself. There are three dimensions to this.

1. Caring for the health of your body

2. Caring for your soul

3. Cultivating your identity

Caring for the health of your body: Eating Right, Sleeping Right, Exercising Right. Our lives are usually reactive instead of proactively caring for ourselves.

Nick

Nick is someone who encountered porn at an early age, and now lives in his parent’s basement. In counseling he uncovered a deeply triangulated relationship with his mom.

On the outside Nick was caring for himself; but his sleep was really being affected. He wondered if it was because he wasn’t looking at Porn that he couldn’t sleep.

Nick and his counselor crafted a plan for him to have a hard conversation with his mom, communicating his need to move out in order to move forward with his life.

Nick was also bored at work. He wasn’t connected at church.

Nick remembered one summer volunteering with his youth group was one of his best feeling connected to others. Nick has the ability to listen with compassion and offer insights. This was instrumental in the lives of high school students.

Nick discovered that a place where he was wounded (his controlling mom) was also the source of wisdom he could offer others. Lots of teenagers have many of the same struggles with their parents.

This made Nick want to go back to school and go into education to help kids.

Nick’s self-care is largely focused in the area of his identity.

Cassey

She has a solid pattern of self-care: She has a lot of friends, works out a lot, travels, but her “self-care” actually inhibits her from confronting other realities about herself.  When she was lonely, she called friends. When she felt ugly, she worked out.

Cassie’s self-care was actually keeping her from caring for the parts of herself that truly needed kindness.

These were counterfeit self-care tactics.

She did “self-care” to silence voices of dissatisfaction, instead of addressing them.

She needed to be guided INTO her anxious thoughts. Through quiet and intentional prayer she learned how to listen to the voices in her head.

Cassie needed more activities that connected her to her body and story, not activities that helped her escape from them.

She unplugged from Social Media. Started reading novels. Started walking to grocery shopping. And at the heart of this was to pray and madidate more, giving her space to process what she was feeling and why.

Clark

Clark acts out on business trips and has paid for escorts. Clark was discovered by his wife who hired a private investigator. When he was discovered he entered himself into rehab for people with sex addictions.

One thing that Clark noticed about himself is that his use of alcohol was connected to helping him feel more at ease before acting out.

He decided it would be in his best interest to refrain from alcohol for a season.

He also started a nutrition and exercise plan.

He came up with a list of good and bad foods; but too often people try to scapegoat some foods rather than learning how to enjoy a food they love.

For Clarke, it was an apple fritter. And each Friday he allowed himself to enjoy this.

We all need to make decisions about good self-care; but don’t go crazy.

Pick one you feel confident you can sustain, and eventually you will parlay that into more progress.

Be honest: Is your self-care driven by self-contempt? Or a healthy commitment to bring kindness to your body and story?

Notice every ounce of delight you feel when making healthy choices. Genuine joy from taking good care will make your unwanted sexual behavior loose its appeal.

WEEK 1 SELF-CARE ASSIGNMENTS

Write out daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly activities you will commit to doing to begin to care for yourself.

Daily to Weekly Activities (from Unwanted):

1. Plan for times to exercise 3 or 4 times a week. If getting a membership to a club or gym increases the odds of success, do so.

2. Aim for 7.5+ hours of sleep. Refrain from using your phone, tablet, or television a half-hour before bedtime. Keep a sleep journal for one month.

3. Use good headphones. Make a playlist of beautiful or relaxing music. If you can’t find a list you like on Spotify, ask a friend to compile one for you. Some of us remember what it was like to receive a burned CD from a friend; a playlist can feel the same.

4. Unwanted sexual behavior tends to eclipse other problematic behaviors. Take an inventory of other areas of your life that remain unhealthy. Common issues might involve a disordered relationship with alcohol, tobacco, or food. Discuss these areas with your group, friends, and therapist. Then explore ways to transform them.

 Monthly to Yearly Activities

1. Add 4-5 things in your calendar each month that bring you delight and make a special color for it. This could be a vacation, a movie, a new restaurant, a hike, a concert, or a sporting event. Research has shown that anticipation for something pleasurable is the most enjoyable experience (not the memory or the actual experience in the present). Show your updated calendar to your significant other, friend, or therapist.

2. Delete any apps that you tend to use primarily for pornographic or dissociative purposes. Instagram, Tumblr, etc. tend to be places for squatters to show up. Be honest with yourself about how much they are connecting you to others versus disconnecting you from the person you ultimately want to become.

3. Visit a national park. Spend a day in your city’s art museum. Spend intentional time bringing healthy relaxation and sensuality to your life. If you have the financial means, schedule 6 spa treatments in the next 12 months. If possible, pay for them now and put them in your calendar so you have no valid excuse to not make it. The point is to put your body before beauty.

4. If you go on a business trip, research the best places to eat in the city. Instead of going to a familiar restaurant chain, try a local and affordable food craze or if you want to potentially splurge, a James Beard Award winning restaurant. Additionally, a bed and breakfast is often an alternative many of my clients have pursued when they have a significant personal failure in hotels.  

5. Schedule a physical and a dental appointment right now if you can’t recall the last time you had one.

WEEK 2 SELF-CARE ASSIGNMENTS

1. What was it like to share your calendar of activities that bring delight with your ally/ significant other?  What encouragement did you get?

2. After your first activity  What did it feel like to anticipate and experience an activity you intentionally chose in order to bring delight?  Anything surprise you?  Anything that was challenging?

3. How did you feel deleting the apps you primarily use to kill time / dissociate? What did you replace them with and why?  After using new app  How did your experience of a new app feel? What did you learn?

4. Are there any self-care routines in your life that are actually counterfeit care (like Cassie from the video)?   If so, what will you do to transform them?

5. What core beliefs about yourself will prompt you to resist self-care?  (e.g. I’m fat, I’m stupid, I’m hopeless, etc.)  How will you need to change those beliefs in order to pursue genuine self-care?

6. On pp 158-160, there are several dimensions to reclaiming a new sexual story. 

   • Reclaim your body
     Are there parts of your body you have cursed?
     What are the stories behind why you’ve cursed them?
     How can you shift toward a more loving relationship with your body?

   • Leave sexual sin
     Looking at the financial, (legal fees, costs of bought sex, lost income, etc.) relational, and emotional costs of your unwanted sexual behavior, what have you lost?  
     What relationships have been harmed?  
     What is the debris behind you from your choices?  
     How can seeing the truth of these things help you say no to unwanted sexual behavior and yes to what God might want to accomplish in you?

   • Forgive yourself and others
     What are the stories of others in your life you need to forgive? (parents and family members, abusers, past sexual partners, etc.)  
     What stories of harm are you still holding onto?  
     What aspects of your unwanted sexual behavior do you still need to forgive yourself for?  Are there still accusations and harsh judgments you make toward yourself over past sexual failure?  How can you become kinder and more forgiving toward yourself?

   • End generational soul ties
     Where does your unwanted sexual behavior have a generational component (e.g. there was past sexual brokenness in a parent, older siblings, aunt/uncle, etc.)?  
     How does acknowledging the sexual sin that came before you help you consider what legacy you want to leave in the generation coming after you?
     Write down the names of those who are past sexual partners (real or fantasy) to whom your soul has been tied (anyone whom your soul remains bound to in fantasy or regret).  
     What was the season of your life in which this soul tie was formed?  What comfort or escape did this “connection” provide? How do these ties remain active in your life today?
     For each name, how can you declare a breaking of that tie (e.g. prayer with your ally or small group and an inner conviction to not pursue that tie).

Video Recap

We are going to focus on two major relationships that play a major part in unwanted sexual behavior.

1. Vulnerability. Vulnerability is about allowing yourself to experience the safety and love of people who know you in your most broken places.

2. Mutuality. Mutuality occurs when people decide to participate in one another’s lives with delight and intentionality.

Intentional relationships have an important role in the healing process. Those who had a genuine relationship in which to talk openly about their struggles saw a significant reduction in unwanted sexual behavior.

When people know our secrets and still want to be with us: this is when we deal a brutal blow to the power of shame.

Let’s look at how vulnerability and mutuality affected Nick, Cassie and Clark

Nick

Nick went home to visit his parents. Things went well, but as the night came after dinner the old things rose of what always drove him to anxiety: his dad checking out and watching football followed by his mom complaining about his dad and looking for overly intimate connections and agreements from Nick. Feeling anxious, he left and went to bed.

That weekend in his parents’ home he looked at porn 3 times when he had been sober for 7 months. He was really discouraged by this set back.

These moments, while hard, are critical experiences because they reveal the places Nick will need to build strength and relationships. 

Nick found a group of men from his church that also struggled with unwanted sexual behavior. They read books, texted each other encouragement and did fun things together like ultimate frisbee.

Nick began to see how healthy relationships open up desire and possibility. This was the opposite of what he learned from his mom.

Cassie

As Cassie got more confident, she began to date. She met a man who fell in love with her quickly and brought up marriage after 3 months.

The idea of marriage made her feel anxious. She was tempted to downloaded a hook-up app, looking to sabotage this new healthy relationship.

She often goes along with the emotional desires of men because she fears she won’t be wanted is she expresses something contrary.

She used sex to escape life’s difficult moments.

She opened up to her boyfriend and both of them had an open honest conversation about their stories.

This lead Cassie to be more honest about the need for space with her parents. She choose to go skiing over Christmas instead of going home. This wasn’t easy for her; it was a long process that she had to choose to do what she wanted. It wasn’t easy to tell her parents she wouldn’t be home for Christmas and that she was going on a ski trip… but she did it and was able to use her voice in an honest way.

Relationships in her life were helping her find her voice and become the person she always wanted to be.

Clark

After Clark’s counseling he joined a recovery group. Recovery is centered on connection with others where you acknowledge the parts of your story that drive your compulsions.

Clark formed a friendship quickly with another man in the group named Dave. Clark lived with shame from his sexual addiction his whole life. Finally having someone to talk to was amazing. He was taken back by how much he enjoyed knowing others and being known by them.

Clark was told he needed to be honest with his wife about his full past sexual brokenness. This is something that he strongly resisted but his counselor showed him that people who feel betrayed do prefer to know the full picture of their partners sexual brokenness.

“The truth only sets us free if we tell it.”

Over several sessions, Clark practiced with his counselor about what he should / shouldn’t say about sharing his story and helping him to be honest.

Over the next year, he and his wife started a new chapter of openness and honest conversations as they learned more about each other.

She saw Clark was taking care of himself and growing spiritually.

His wife felt betrayed, confused, sadness, rage and confusion about what to do with her marriage… but surprisingly a growing sense of trust and enjoyment with Clark.

Their marriage began to heal. Their stories were known. Through relationships and vulnerability something new and amazing began to grow.

Relationships take time and effort to cultivate, the impact they have is like nothing else you’ll ever know.

WEEK 1 ASSIGNMENTS

1. Complete assignments after chapter 13 (pp176-178) and after chapter 14 (pp 187-190)

2. *For married participants who’ve not yet disclosed to your spouse….how are you preparing to share the details of your unwanted sexual behavior with your spouse?  We highly suggest you work with a trained therapist to help prepare you for this process of full disclosure. See resources below for more information.  Where else are you introducing vulnerability into your relationships outside your marriage?*

3. In each of Nick, Cassie, and Clark’s stories, you saw differing approaches to vulnerability in relationships.  Which approach to vulnerability do you feel will best work for you? What are you doing to incorporate this into key relationships in your life?  Who is helping you prepare to do so?  If you’ve already begun, what early signals have received and how has it felt?*

4. Are there some relationships in your life in which your participation will have to change? (e.g. family rituals that are unhealthy, places where you over contribute, etc.) Relationships that will now require you to say some form of “no” in order to choose healthier options, even other relationships, instead? If so, who are they, and how are you preparing to make the needed changes?  What concerns do you have about the responses you might receive?  Write out the messages and dialogue for these important conversations in advance so you feel equipped and empowered to navigate any tensions and conflicts.*

WEEK 2 ASSIGNMENTS

1. What did it feel like to write the letter to your parents (ch 13).  What stories did you include? What pain did you address?  If it invited deeper levels of grief, how did you grieve?*

2. In each of Nick, Cassie, and Clark’s stories, a new form of “peers” begins to emerge; (e.g. Clark’s friendship with Dave, Nick’s ultimate Frisbee team). They begin to participate in others’ lives as equal contributors on a level playing field. Are there people in your life to pursue for this kind of relationship? Where have you experienced genuine mutuality before? What about it do you struggle with?  How can you prepare to participate in relationships with greater mutuality going forward?*

3. If mutuality is a new experience for you, and you are uncertain of how well you are engaging in it with others, pick someone with whom you are forming a new friendship where you are working to practice mutuality.  The art of asking others how they experience you is one of the most generous acts of mutuality.  Ask this friend, “What’s one thing I could do to be a better friend to you?”  If the relationship has matured over several years, then you might ask a deeper question like, “Are there ways I have been open and contributing to you that have been helpful, and are there areas where I am still closed off, and what might I do differently?”*

Video Recap

Welcome to final module!

Community is where we experience the fullness of belonging.

Community is so important that the phrase “one another” appears in the new testament 59 times.

Community is allowing our lives to be fully shaped by those closest to us, and to participate in shaping theirs.

We are going to look at three ways that community is a part of healing from unwanted sexual behavior.

1. Community can provide a sense of structure and accountability.

2. Community invites us to understand empathy.

3. Community is where we discover a deep sense of purpose where we see others change.

There are a couple of things to consider before we explore this in the lives of Nick, Cassie and Clark:

• It’s not important that you find all three of these in one single community; what’s important is that in your different communities each of these is being addressed.

• Accountability should create a mutual desire within you and others to achieve goals and celebrate milestones. When a set back or progress comes; we need a safe place to discuss them.

• Most people in recovery want to help others when they are done because of how much that they themselves have been helped.  However, if we are contributing as a way to augment our guilt it can keep you from discovering our purpose.

 Finding a new sense of purpose takes time; something that God develops as we heal.

Nick

Nick moved out of his parents and joined a men’s group that became a part of his healing.

He signed up for Covenant Eyes for extra accountability.

Nick quit his job at the bank and took a much more rewarding job as a teacher in the inner city. He was thankful to be done with the rat race, even though he was making far less money.

He felt grateful as he thought about the students who’d come to accept him and showed him the difference he was capable of making.

When Nick’s old friends asked him about his job he told them about using his financial background to write a grant for kids at his school to get funding for technology that they didn’t have at the school.  He felt it was wrong that the kids in the city didn’t have the technology that kids in the suburbs did, just because of where they lived. When he shared this with his friends they were overjoyed and offered to help.

Nicks decision to write a grant for his students was an enormous expression of empathy.

Cassie

When working out; she saw an add join a yoga class for women who have struggled with their body image. 

She found a new community in this class. The collective commitment these women had to honoring their bodies , was something Cassie never imagined possible.

The more she heard stories, the more they pursued kindness towards their bodies 

Because of this Cassie was able to stand up for herself and others in bold new ways.

In her work, she was promoted into a Social Media Manager position she got because of how she wanted to use social media as a way of helping women through their own body issues.

Our discovery of purpose may not directly involve our backstory, but sometimes, to our surprise, it does.

Clark

Started a new friendship with a man named Dave, his new accountability partner.

They both also loved basketball, and both had kids in 9th grade. They decided to both coach the JV Basketball team to be with each other, their two boys, and used the time to mentor the young men to live with integrity. They didn’t just do this for basketball; they did it to help the boys travel through life.

Their honesty about the power of deep friendship lead many students to pursue that themselves.

Their mentoring changed the boys JV team.

The friendship between Clark and Dave continued to grow. They were able to translate their pain into helping young men experience what they never had.

Community is where we discover: Accountability, Empathy and Purpose.

Your journey to discovering those things may not look like anything like theirs. Nor does it need to.

These are no more than glimpses of what could be ours as we continue the journey.

As you experience healing of past wounds; you will get stronger.

You will discover reserves of energy, creativity and focus you didn’t realize you had.

These stories took YEARS to unfold; and so will yours.

WEEK 1 ASSIGNMENTS

1. Have you had past experiences of accountability groups in which you felt judged or misunderstood?  How have you been able to move past those experiences?  If you haven’t, what do you need to be able to trust others again with your whole story?  Are there still experiences of accountability (e.g. confession, celebrating progress, learning from experiences, sharing stories of past harm, etc.) that you struggle with?  How can you shift your experience of this form of accountability to a more positive one? In the past few months, have you had a taste of this change with your ally or small group?*

2. As you reflect over the past months doing this work, how has your ally changed your understanding of accountability?  Invite your ally for a special dinner that you make together to share your gratitude for their support and care along the way.

3. Considering the two parts of empathy – kindness and honesty – is there one that comes easier to you than the other?  If so, which and why?  For the one that isn’t as familiar or comfortable, what can you do to increase your ability with it so you can offer a whole experience of empathy to others?  Write a story of when you offered empathy to someone that made a caring difference for them.  What do you see in yourself as you reflect on this story.*

4. Write three stories of when you were struck with a deep sense of purpose; where something you did or accomplished filled you with joy and meaning.  Write these out in detail.  What aspects of your “best self” that show up across these stories do you most love?  How do these stories represent a sense of purpose you want to reclaim/carry forward into the next chapters of your story?  How can you be sure you bring them forward?

WEEK 2 ASSIGNMENTS

1. As you examine the sense of purpose Nick, Cassie and Clark discovered, what do you notice about each of them?  What did their stories make you wonder about your own?

2. What aspirations or desires have surfaced for you about your future and a sense of purpose?  Write these aspirations down and explore ways you can experiment with the possibilities they represent.

3. In celebration of your completion of Journey into the Heart of Man, invite several close friends (who know of your journey), or the small group with whom you’ve journeyed, to your home.  Serve a very extravagant meal to honor your work.  Plan the menu carefully with your favorite dishes.  Invite some of the friends to join you in the preparations. Set a beautiful table, serve a favorite drink, and plan for an evening of meaningful and delightful conversation.  Share some of your reflections on this journey, invite others to share their observations of you, and balance the conversation by inquiring about others around the table – their lives, hopes, struggles and purpose.